She Said He Said

Music, Manners, and Ice Cream

2012-02-04T06:39:00.001-08:00

She Said He Said Feb. 2012
She Said

Since February is the month of love I thought that since I am always picking on you, you can admit it is pretty easy pickings, I thought that this month I would tell you some of the qualities that I find most endearing about you. That about concludes the list so now we can go on to other subjects. Just kidding you. It is a pleasure to be with a man who respects women. You are chivalrous to me and to other women around you, always offering to help with putting on a coat, or offering to open the door for me and sometimes even pulling out my chair at a restaurant, which sometimes scares me because my brother use to pull my chair out from under me and I worry you might find that humorous sometime. The other thing I enjoy about you and us is our enjoyment of the same kind of music. Music that we can dance to, and music that we can identify with that brings back so many wonderful memories. What other man would play our favorite song on the radio and then after the song ends, propose marriage to me live on the radio? You put some thought into that and because of it I agreed to marry you and live with you for the rest of our lives. We can listen to the Four Tops, Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel , Righteous Brothers, and so many other groups from our era and relive precious times from high school up till today. Another wonderful trait is your willing to take me to my favorite ice cream shop as often as I will let you and buy me ice cream. Every night when I come home late from work you never say “what’s for supper”, you always say first , “do you want to go out to supper”, and if I say no then you say “what’s for supper”? There are many qualities that make you shine in my eyes and I just wanted for Valentine’s to let you know I love you and that you are appreciated….sometimes.

He Said

What a wonderful Valentine surprise. Most of the time I spend defending myself in this column and here you are today giving me compliments. I know that you loved the pearls I gave you for our anniversary, nice trick telling me that the first year gift was jewelry instead of paper. My first reaction to your post is that you are buttering me up for a nice Valentine gift. Well that won’t work because I have already purchased a nice Valentine card for you that even sings. I do like what you say and I feel the same way about you. You are honest, trustworthy , a good homemaker, and I can honestly say that my mother loves you for who you are. Taking her with you shopping and helping her to pick out clothes for her goes the extra step in mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships. Every time we go to visit my mother you either fix something for her or ask her if there is anything you can do for her. Cooking a full course meal for my sister and brother-in-law and having them visit our house AFTER Christmas says a lot about the quality of person that you sets you apart from many others. My children love you and all of my family thinks you are special. This means a lot to me. I would also tell you that it is very refreshing not to hear all about my bad traits for once. Maybe we should celebrate Valentine and love more often in this column. No, then no one would want to read about our good side, it is a whole lot more interesting to read about the bad side. At least more humorous. Happy Valentine’s anyway, but just for this one column.

Marriage and the Art of Backing Up -January 2012

2012-01-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

She Said

It's a brand new year and a time to look forward to all
of the wonderful possibilities life has to offer; but I
want to take a brief look backward, literally.
At least that's what the highway patrolman told me when
I was sixteen years old and taking my driving road test.
I didn't see anywhere in the manual where there was a specific
time that a driver HAD to look backward when the car was moving
in reverse. I've learned since then that it's any time the car
is backing up. He had the audacity to tell me that I turned
around before I stopped the car completely. Of course I did,
my neck was tired.
And then as we traveled further down the road, there happened
to be a railroad crossing. I heard the train and I saw the track
but it didn't really click in my mind that I should stop until
the last minute.
Fortunately, I managed to come to a smooth stop without slamming
on brakes and ejecting my very important passenger. With his hand
on the door handle, he said "Whew! I didn't think you saw the sign
or heard the train coming". I assured him that I was in control.
When a very nervous blue uniformed guardian of the people got back
to the highway patrol station, he solemnly handed me my license
but also told me that he hoped my parents wouldn't let me drive.
I've always believed that people learn a lot during a testing
situation and I never forgot those two traffic rules. Now, here
is one of those rare times when I have to pay you a huge
compliment...I'm always impressed when I see you back a car,
truck, or bus in reverse. (Except, when you backed a U-Haul
truck into the corner of my house) You don't turn around;
you're adept at using mirrors and do it perfectly. You never
turn around when you're backing out of the driveway or a parking
space.I guess that comes with such rigid training for driving
a school bus when you were 16 years old.
I can tell you right now that the state of Virginia would
probably pay me NOT to drive a bus because when I turn around
and see 50 pairs of eyes staring frantically at me when I'm
trying to back up, I might just park that yellow monster and
walk the students home.

He Said

Thank you for the compliment and you're right... I have never
had a problem backing up. I can't say that about moving forward
though when it comes to driving. The day I turned sixteen and
got my license I went to see a friend so that we could go for
a ride in my parents' car. He wasn't at home and I had pulled
in his driveway. So as I backed out, I hit the car parked across
the street at his neighbors house. I proceeded to leave the
scene of the crime and drive back home. There was no damage,
thankfully, but I had learned lesson. Yes, I had my drivers
license but that didn't make me a good driver. Sort of like
marriage, I guess. You have a marriage license but that doesn't
mean you know how to have a good marriage.
So as you reflect back about your driving skills or lack of
knowledge about how to back up, I will reflect on our first year
of marriage and how it has flown by. Both of your sons were
married, one in Chapel Hill and one in Charlotte. Thank God
for your daughter's help or we would never had made it through
their weddings and definitely not through our own.
You even survived your youngest sons' commissioning in the Navy
without too many tears.
We got though the year after hitting a deer on the highway late at
night and being stranded while waiting for a tow truck. We got
through Halloween for the first time in thirteen years of not
giving out candy because we were out of town.We got through the
year without gaining too much weight. So all in all we both moved
forward without backing up and we made it through our first year
of marriage.
Amazingly we are still married and even though we don't
have a monster yellow bus, we do have two cars that prevent us
from having to walk, even though one of them still has deer
tracks on it.

Happy New Year Darling.

Christmas Forgiveness - December 2011

2012-01-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

She Said He Said December Evince Magazine.2011 Christmas Forgiveness

She Said

December is here and the house is filled with laughter, Christmas
music, a beautiful tree, and decorations both inside and outside.
I would like to say that there was joy in putting all of this
together and that we shared those special moments of bliss. I
would like to say that, but I can't. The priority scale in your
life and the priority scale in my life are miles apart. I mean
I love you and all that mushy stuff, but what does it take to
get a man to help around the house? Who said it was the woman's
responsibility to keep the house in order or, in this case, do
all of the decorating? I don't have the space here to name all
of the things that I do and all of the things that you don't do.
Is this just a man thing? I would think that at Christmas time
you would want to put forth a little extra effort to impress me
so that just maybe you would find a little something extra under
the tree.
When I couldn't get a string of lights to work, I changed the
fuses while you drank egg nog and ate cookies. When I connected
the "runway" in the front yard, instead of you helping me with
all of the lights, your back conveniently ached. When I began
wrapping gifts for your family,all I saw of you was your backside
running out the door. I am not asking you to prepare a meal
or make the bed, but I've told you before that picking up your
socks won't give you a hernia. Once when I asked you to empty the
garbage, you said you didn't know it was garbage day. Here's a news
flash: garbage pickup is on Thursdays...EVERY Thursday not just
once a year. An added note: if you'll be a good little boy, you
might just find a little something special under the tree this
year...that you onceagain did not help decorate.

He Said

Christmas is a time for forgiveness. We should all learn to love
one another, especially at this time of year. We should work harder
to please each other because we are in love. You and I, still being
on our honeymoon, should work harder to make each other happy. For
this reason I'm going to forgive you for being so negative during
the holidays. This is a time of reflection about all of the good
in our lives, and how we should be helping others less fortunate.
This is a time to look upon each other as soul mates and true friends
forevermore. Why you want to dwell on the negative aspects of life
and bring all of us down into this dreary pit escapes me at this moment.
You don't hear me picking on all your bad traits. I am trying to bring
harmony and peace into the home. You are trying to bring fireworks
and the idea that I would stoop so low as to try an earn your love and
affection with fake cleaning, and pretending to put decorations on the
tree, or scooping up the garbage cans to prove some type of point.
Why would I want to win favors with you only to get presents? That
just isn't me. I will continue to live my life making you happy and
filling your days with pleasure all year long. I want you to know that
I forgive you for trying to make me feel bad, especially during this
holiday season. I hope everyone out there has seen the follies of your
suggestions and will disregard and forgive you of your shortcomings.
I want you to know that I willbuy you a present this year without any
strings attached, because that's just the kind of man I am.

Merry Christmas to you darling, I forgive you.

The Art of Aging Gracefully

2011-11-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

She Said

You taught a Sunday School lesson last month about the aging
process as described in Ecclesiastes and how true it is today
since you have now reached the magical age of 65. Instead
of groaning every time you stand up or sit down, you could
do some flexibility exercises to loosen up your creaky bones.
I am firmly convinced that by eating healthier food and
exercising daily, you could eventually eliminate blood pressure
medication. Instead of driving along beside me while I walk,
you could don a pair of tennis shoes and join me.
When you drop something, instead of pretending you don't see it,
bend over and pick it up. Of course you need to learn how to
bend over and stretch those old hamstrings. You told me the
other day that you noticed a difference in the volume of your
voice as you are getting older. You enjoy talking so much...do
you think you've used it all up? What about your hearing?
Recently at Charles and Kimberly's wedding, you missed an
entire conversation AND IT WAS ABOUT YOU! You just smiled
and nodded your head. I don't mind your gray hair because you
look more distinguished than you did when we were 16 years old.
But as long as they keep putting hair color in bottles, I'll
never be gray. Obviously we all share similarities and changes
as we grow older. We're not as agile as we once were and it
takes us longer to make decisions (for example, in a restaurant
tonight you couldn't make up your mind about what to order!)
but we're stumbling merrily along and frustrating the younger
generation waiting on us. During this month of Thanksgiving,
I'm just thankful that we're living with only the afflictions
we have, and that we can laugh about it together.

He Said

Let's look at the big picture, shall we? My mother had nine
brothers and sisters. Her mother lived to be 90. My mother is
presently 84 and my Dad is 90. My cardiologist told me that I
have great genes and every six months when I visit him, he
says the same thing: "whatever you're doing, keep it up because
it is really working for you." My father had never done
flexibility exercises. My mother has never eaten healthy food
or exercised daily. All of my aunts and uncles who lived to
be in their late 80's and 90's never ate tofu and salads instead
of a real meal. I take that back. The one uncle who rode his
bike every day and ate healthy food along with exercising,
died in his 70's. So I would say that in my family, we have
the propensity to eat what we want without exercising and live
to a ripe old age. If we don't, as my uncle's life can attest
to, we might die early. I hear what you're saying and I appreciate
very much your concern about my health. Saying that, I would
like to remind you that you could have spoken in positive terms
as easily. You could have mentioned that I lost 13 pounds last
month. You could have mentioned that I took a day off last
month to help you set up the rehearsal dinner in Charlotte at
your son's wedding.You could have mentioned that I stood around
patiently while you gossiped with all of your relatives and
friends from a previous life without one complaint. But since
you didn't see it that way, I guess my only solution would be to
trade you in on another model. No, not cuter, not younger but
maybe a newer model who recognizes all of my attributes that
other women adore. OK...maybe they don't exist but since it is
so close to Christmas, a person can wish, can't he?

Mr Speeder (not Mr. Speedo)

2011-10-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said Evince Oct. 2011

She Said

You come home from work looking all dejected, sad eyed,
and looking like you lost your best friend.
I figured you got fired or someone had upset your
fragile ego.(haha). When I ask what was wrong you
proceeded to tell me that you had gotten a speeding
ticket. I do not want to be the one that says to you
that I told you so, but I really could have said those
words right then. I know that as a man, as all men do,
you feel that your ability to drive and drive well
exceeds the hopes of most people in the world,
especially women. How many times have I told you to
slow down or there is a policeman, you better be
careful. Many times on the highway your excuse is
well everyone around me is speeding so why shouldn't I?
Why can't you be more like your father when he was
driving. He always did fifty five on the highway and
thirty five in town. To my knowledge your father or
your mother never got a speeding ticket so why should
you? We do not get there any faster when you pass a
car, speed ahead , only to get behind someone who
is doing the speed limit and you are forced to slow
down to the speed limit because of them. Maybe this
ticket that you have to pay for one hundred and sixty
two dollars will finally slow you down. I can tell
you that ticket cost is not in our budget this month,
and you are not going to take the money out of my
food money, so you better get out the old lawnmower
and start mowing the neighbors grass to pick up a
few coins to pay your speeding ticket.

He Said

I am not going to say that I was caught in a speed
trap, but even the nice officer said the speed limit
use to be thirty five , but had been changed to twenty
five recently. I was doing thirty eight according to
him in a twenty five mile an hour zone. If you take
into account that it use to be thirty five , then I
was only three miles over the speed limit. Either way
I was speeding, I accept that fact, and my fate is
that I must pay the speeding ticket. I can take that
because I believe in standing up for what is proper
and right. I was speeding , I admit it but don't you
think I should have been cut some slack because I
thought it was a thirty five MPH zone? You probably
don't and neither did the nice policeman. I did not
offer him a bribe , I just ask how long it had been
since they changed it. He did not answer but he did
tell me he was there to capture felons like myself
that were a nuisance to the neighborhood. I ask him
if he was sure it was me because there were other
cars on the road , and he told me radar doesn't lie.
I said does it ever make a mistake and he put his
hands on his handcuffs and I instantly shut-up. I
think getting the ticket in reality was a good thing
for two reasons. The first and main one is that it
has made me more aware of the speed limit signs on
every street and made me slow down. The other reason
is that it showed me that once and a while you can
be right. For that reason I was wondering if we might
have some discussion about my getting a loan from the
food jar money?

Talking Too Much

2011-09-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

She Said Evince Magazine September 2011

She Said

When I moved to Danville to be with you one of my concerns
was the fact that I would be moving to a place where I knew
no one and no one knew me. You had already established many
friendships since moving here and it concerned me that we
would be with your friends and I would be left alone.
You have done a fairly good job of introducing me to your
friends and when we are out and in the city and people come
up and talk you always introduce me(if you can remember
their names). I know we both get a lot of people coming up
to us and mentioning the column and some we know and others
we don't. The reason for all of this information is that you
seem to be worse when we go out about leaving
me and going from table to table to talk or shake someone's
hand. I am not a jealous person but standing around waiting
for you to leave a restaurant or a store can be pretty boring
after a while. The other night as we were leaving a restaurant
I was embarrassed, not only for me , but for the other two
couples that were with us. While you strolled through the
restaurant shaking hands, telling your wild tales, and looking
like you were running for office, I did not know how to
explain to our friends that this is a common occurrence and
I just usually wait for you to run your course. They did not
seem dismayed and sort of laughed it off as ,well this is just
Larry. All I am asking is that you be more considerate of me,
but more importantly, be considerate of our friends that we
are dining with. I hope you will take this as constructive
criticism instead of turning it around and making it about
me as you usually do.

He Said

You know what they say about the grass always looking greener
on the other side? Good, because this is nothing about that.
I guess in a round about way you are right. It was very
unthoughtful of me to do this with you or our friends. In
my defense, you married me for better or worse.
The argument could be made, was this the better or the worse.
For the better I was cementing my and or your relationships
with everyone that I spoke to. Many of our friends and
business people were in that restaurant that night and I
felt obligated and also wanted to speak to each and every
one. Once you have spoken to one person if you don't speak
to the others they might think I was avoiding them or was
upset with them for some reason. This is not to take away
from the fact that I genuinely wanted to speak to each and
every one of them and I also wanted to speak to the Chef
to let him know that we enjoyed our meal. For the worse end
of the deal, I did leave you to entertain our friends and
left them out on the sidewalk waiting to say goodbye and
that was not fair to you or to them and for that I apologize.
Hopefully they will read the column and see how sincere
and apologetic I am to do this in public. I guess I should
have been a politician instead of a guru of marketing in
our town. Maybe this will get me on the right track of
where my life should be going. I saw in the paper that
the city is looking for a dog catcher, although that is
probably not the politically correct name, maybe I
could apply for that opening...then I can be known as
the guru of pets. I would also be hated for picking up
wandering pets of our friends ,then no one would speak
to us in restaurants and we would have no friends and
people would boo us as we left the restaurant. Is this
really what you want?

Moving In Together

2011-08-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said Evince Magazine – August 2011 – Larry Oldham Dena Hill – Moving in Together

She Said

Getting married is truly an exciting time. Seeing my son
and his new wife gathering furniture, opening
wedding gifts, deciding where to arrange everything in
their apartment, hanging pictures and draperies, cooking
for each other, and touching each time they pass each
other in the kitchen brings back many fond memories of
when I was a newlywed. I'm not saying that you and I have
not shared the same good times and feelings, it is just
that marrying at an older age, brings on a lot of baggage.
I mean that literally not figuratively. In your case it
means a whole house full of baggage. This is not a
condemnation of you or your "stuff." When you close
down one house and move into another house there are
going to be issues. However, not many people have to
worry about where they are going to put eight thousand
books, or three thousand magazines, or four thousand
videos or one thousand collectible cars. Usually
it's just a few pieces of furniture, a couple of bookcases,
and your clothes. These are normal moving items when
you get married and move in with each other. I am not
against your collections and madness for keeping everything
you have ever owned, I just don't know where to put it.
I have wracked my brain about this and the only solution that
I can come up with is to buy a new house with a basement
and a attic. This way I don't have to actually live like
a "hoarder" and you can have a place to store your junk,
I mean collectibles in one area. We can have our cake
and eat it too; that is, if I can clear a path to the oven.

He Said

The beauty of being married again is having someone to
take care of me, to watch out for me, and to make
sure that my life is filled with nothing but sunshine.
I probably could have thought of buying a new house
on my own as a solution to my problem. The only bad
thing about that is that I don't recognize all of my
great collectibles as a problem. I think that since
you don't see how practical it would be to open a
museum after I have passed, that just have to persuade
you to enjoy some of my greatest treasures now.
Have you ever seen one of the earliest Polaroid Cameras?
Have you seen the first newspaper article about the
Sputnik Space Dog in 1957? Have you experienced the
first Beta movies and reel to reel taped music?
I didn't think so. You need to concentrate on making
room in your house for all of this good stuff. You don't
really need three bedrooms to sleep in, you don't need
all that basement area for old miscellaneous stuff from
your past, the dog doesn't need that whole room to
prance around in.
I am just saying that if we take all of my treasures
out of the storage place and lay them all out in your
house, you will grow to appreciate them and treasure
them just as I do. All of your furniture and knickknacks
from all over the world could be put in my storage
place and you would have a brand new house of important
things to look at. People from all over the world would
come to our house just to see our unique furnishings,
even if we had to sit on boxes instead of the sofa.
It would be like having the museum now instead of
waiting for me to die.
This is our golden opportunity. I told you marrying
me would bring importance into your life.

Choices -My Way or My Way

2011-07-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said Evince July 2011
Larry Oldham and Dena Hill

She Said

You can know a person for many years and never
REALLY know them. This is not a profound
statement, just a fact. Last month in Virginia Beach,
while visiting my father, I discovered something
quite by accident that I never realized before.
There is a another way of working you in order to
get my way, I mean for us to agree. We awakened bright
and early on that beautiful Saturday morning and I
asked you to go for a walk around the neighborhood
with me. I carefully avoided the “exercise” word
because of your well-known aversion to physical activity
of any kind. I just mentioned that there may
be a yard sale in the community so why don't we take a
stroll and see if we can find it.

Your propensity for shopping has always made it easy for
me to get you to go anywhere where there is
a chance for you to buy something, so Saturday was fairly easy.

Sunday was the hard day because there were no yard sales
to be found. My question to you on Sunday was simple. I said,
“Do you want to go for a walk or stay in bed?” You just
looked up at me and said “I think I'll just stay here in bed.”
What a revelation! From now on instead of asking you to
do something, I'll just give you a choice. “Do you want to
wash the car or take out the garbage?” “Do you want to make
up the bed or paint the bedroom?” Do you want to go down
stairs and work out or stay upstairs and clean the bathroom?”
If I ask the right question, I'll know that either answer will
work for me. Why didn't I see this before? Life with you
would have been so much easier. “Am I right or am I right?”

He Said

As usual you are right. Come to think about it, you are
always right...in your own mind that is. Listen, I know that
I am not as active as you are. I don't know anyone in this
town, state, or anywhere in the country who is as active as
you are. Keeping that in mind, let's look at your brand new
premise.

A new trick in the woman's arsenal of tricks against us
little old defenseless men. I think women in
general have many weapons that they use against us.
Women have been using this one for years; you just
never thought about using it before. I imagine if the truth
were known, I could do everything that you can do except
have a baby. Oh yeah and breast feed. I also forgot that
women have a very natural inclination toward maternal
instincts. Nurturing children could also be considered an
attribute,although men are getting better at this.
All in all, you women do have some creature comforts that men
would have a hard time doing without on a daily basis.
Putting all that aside, let's get to the main point
of our discussion. To trick me or to trick me was the question.
In my way of thinking you don't have to trick me at all. If
you need help with something, just ask me and I'll do it.
Do you see the key word in that statement? Help! When you ask
me if I WANT to do or not do something, that's a whole new
ballgame Right? So the key to dealing with me or any man is
just ask us what we wish to do and we we'll tell you outright.
As for me personally, I think you know the answer to most of your
questions before you ever ask. So the secret is to only ask me
what you know I will do and then as you have stated ….YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT.

Loquacious

2011-06-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

June, 2011 Evince – Larry Oldham and Dena Hill

She Said,

I ran across the word "loquacious" the other day and
I immediately thought about you. Aren't you excited
that one little word brings you to my most intimate
thoughts? You have quite a following on Facebook
with all of your sayings and notable quotes. One
lady expounded her love for you and said she enjoys
having coffee with you every morning. I looked
around the kitchen for a hidden camera! Don't worry,
I figured it out. You really do have a lot to say
but when you see me falling asleep while you're talking,
you should realize that I'm on information overload.
But your voice is soothing to me at night when I can't
sleep which is why I sometimes ask you to tell me a
bedtime story. You describe yourself as being very
opinionated and will offer your thoughts freely,
without even being asked. I know a lot of people who
feel that way resulting in a barrage of unsolicited
information that usually leaves me to defend myself.
So one day, I decided that I, too, am entitled to my
own opinions without having to explain why I feel
the way I do. I'm not a "loquacious" person. I prefer
to keep my thoughts to myself. My aunt ( a teacher)
told me that after she retired, she stopped voicing
her opinions because no one was interested in them
any more. Maybe I've reached that same plateau. If
anyone wants to know how I feel about something,
they'll ask; otherwise, we can talk about the weather
or Osama Bin Laden. Oops! You didn't ask my opinion
about that situation!

He Said

I ran across the words "untalkative", "reticent",
"restrained", "reserved" the other day after having
to look up the word "loquacious".
Those words would be the antonym to your word which
I think probably describes you to a tee. Don't
get me wrong, if certain people call you on the
phone, I have seen you talk for hours and I do mean
hours. When you sit down to talk to me within two
minutes your eyes are closed and you are sleeping.
That is the reason that every time you ask me to
watch TV with you or go to a movie with you, I know
that I will see them alone. Within minutes you are
sound asleep. Don't take this as a slight because
you work hard, get up early and put in a good ten
hour day. I understand perfectly your need to sleep
standing up or sitting. I want to make this marriage
work and I believe that communication, dedication
and someone who can make good potato salad is the
secret to a long and prosperous relationship. With
that said I offer you this recommendation. Communication
for us from now on will be when you call me on my
cell phone. I have unlimited minutes and it seems
to me that since you talk to all your other friends
for hours there is no reason why this couldn't work
for us. That seems to be the only way you can stay
awake and I get to talk for hours, keeping the
lines of communication open. Dedication is certainly
important and I see that you spend a lot of time
looking words up in the dictionary just to describe me.
Finally, Potato salad. A woman who cannot satisfy
her man with a good potato salad should probably spend
more time with his mother who makes great potato
salad. I hope I have not hit a nerve here. Since I
am a loquacious person, I just wanted to exercise
my right to inform you of what constitutes a good
marriage. The weather changes daily and Osama is no
longer with us and I learned a new word this month.
Thanks for being a good teacher.

Don't forget to remind me to give you my mother's potato
salad recipe.

Ah...the Good Life

2011-06-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

Evince May 2011
She Said

Just so people won't think all we do is pick on each
other, or worse yet, ask if we're going to make a go
of it, let me say how proud I am to be your wife. You
won "Salesman of the Year" for the Virginia Press
Association last month in Norfolk and handled it with
style and grace and, might I add, a huge case of
nervousness. There aren't many times when you are
so I savored that moment. In fact, our table was
hoping you weren't going to give a speech and "thank
all the people who helped you along the way...."
Seriously though, I don't constantly berate you
for not living up to my expectations. You're an
adult and should know better. What I would like for
people to know is how active you are in church as
a Sunday School teacher, an Elder, and serving on
the PNC to select our new pastor. I've always heard
that ladies should choose a man based on the way
he treats his mother and you are so kind to your
Mom by calling her every day to see how she's doing
and visiting her on weekends. You also check on your
sons to be sure they're happy and life is good for
them. You give back to our community by serving on
the board of the Free Clinic and any other board
that you are asked to join if you think you have
something positive to add. You are a good friend
to our many classmates and help keep the class
connected and in touch with all of the changes going
on with them as we get older. You have a job that you
take to heart by thinking of all of your clients as
friends and you truly want to help them grow their
business. That explains the award. So while you're
thinking about all of the good things you're
involved in, how about taking a little time to
empty your house out and take the next step toward
starting our life together. Oops! I promised
wouldn't be negative...it just slipped out. I love you.

He Said

Now I am sitting here with a tear in my eye
wondering why I did not marry you years ago.
Just think what you could have done for my
ego and how much larger my head would be today
if you had started all this bragging about me
long ago. I do thank you for your words of kindness
and I guess it is better to talk about our positive
side sometimes and not about our other side. The
only problem though is that everyone needs a good
laugh at least once a month and this one isn't funny.
You are probably one of the most dedicated teachers
I have ever known. You go to work at 7:30 am and
come home at 7:00 pm almost every night.
I know that you tutor kids who are having a hard time
and that you help kids with their homework assignments.
You work hard to help your own children and were
a single mom with three children, kindergarten,
high school, college, and medical school.
This takes a tremendous amount of skill, emotional
comforting, and physical stability to accomplish such
a feat. I know others have done it but since I know
you personally, it has affected my life to see you
contribute to the success of all three of your children.
You do this all the while taking care of me, your
fourth child. Cooking, sewing, cleaning,caring and
keeping me on the right track is almost a full time
job in itself. I guess our column this month is somewhat
self-serving; however,it answers the question that
we are so often asked " when are you two going to break up?"
It seems that some readers take our differences
as a serious sign of unhappiness. Really none of
these things happen to us, well maybe...

EGO - centric

2011-04-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

She Said

According to the dictionary, ego is defined as an
exaggerated sense of self-importance, conceit. I
seem to attract men who have more than their fair
share. (Not you, of course, honey). I came along
during a time when many females were taught to pump
up the male ego in order to build his self-confidence
and self-esteem. There were little tidbits of
support that were intended to be subliminal and
ultimately had a positive outcome.

For example, if my significant other nonchalantly
said to an acquaintance, "Let's do lunch", I made
sure he followed up with a phone call. Otherwise,
lunch would have been an empty invitation. Maybe
the answer to protecting the fragile male ego is
to keep quiet during a controversial conversation
and then act responsibly to solve the issue even
if it's at a later date.

Remember the phrase "behind every man stands a
good woman"? Where is the good man who is standing
behind the woman? Oh yes, now I remember...it's
Bill Clinton standing behind Hilary. But we all
know why he has to support her. So here's to your
ego, darling. You are The Man! You have more
charisma than any other male on the universe.
You are a wonderful provider, a top notch fix-it
man, master gardener, excellent chef, terrific
household organizer and most of all, you are my
very best friend.

He Said

Now I think that the whole wide world knows why
I married you. I think most of the world already
knew about my finer qualities, but I don't think
that it hurts for you to remind them occasionally.
I can truly say that this is one of those times
when you and I are in complete agreement.

You see, women do not have egos. Women are born
with beauty, grace, understanding, patience, and
charm (not you, of course, dear). Just kidding.
I do agree that women of distinction are the backbone
of many men. More than likely if the truth be known,
most women are the major reason for men's success.
Not many men would admit it because we are vain.
We think so highly of ourselves that we don't always
stop to think of the reason we reached the point
where we stand.

We don't give you girls enough credit for helping
us reach our highest goals. I am ready to give you
all the credit for making me a great provider, a
top notch fix-it man, a master gardener, an excellent
chef and a terrific organizer. I would like to give
you credit for making me cute, but I have to give
that to my mother and father. I would like to give
you credit for making me more spiritual, but I
have to give that to my church. I would like to
give you credit for making me smart, but I have
to give that to myself for reading and teaching
myself all that I have learned. I would like to
give you credit for making me a good parent, but
I have to give that to my parents from whom I
was taught. I will give you all the credit for
giving me such a high exaggerated sense of
self-importance though because without you beside me,
I would just be another drip in the droplets of
life. Thank you for making me the man I am
today.....your egocentric best friend.

Sleepwalking

2011-03-03T02:53:00.000-08:00

She Said

Am I missing something in the middle of the night?
Where do you go around 2:00 am? We usually go to bed
at 10ish and I have to have the TV on with the timer
set to drown out the ringing in my ears. But sometimes
when I roll over, you've gone missing! Then I can't
get back to sleep because the quietness in the house
is deafening. If I had the energy, I'd get up and go
looking for you. Are you bored or are you and Sophie
having a party without me? There must be something
more exhilarating than sleeping but I can't imagine
a novel or even Facebook interrupting my dreams in
the middle of the night. Even if you can't sleep,
why not just stay in bed and rest? Health experts
have said that you can extend your life if you
balance it with adequate amounts of sleep and exercise.
I guess we could go for a walk or utilize the
eliptical or Bowflex in the basement to combat
your boredom. As a sideline, it would improve your
health. The funny thing is that when my kids were
babies, they would sometimes get days and nights
mixed up but I didn't expect that to happen to you.
We need to get our internal clocks synchronized so
we go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time.
Isn't that what married folks are supposed to do?

He Said

Since I was a a teenager I only have slept four hours
a night. When I get up at two after going to bed at
ten , I am wide awake. If I stay in the bed I will
just get a headache, so I get up and read. Sometimes
I write and sometimes I go wake Sophie (the poodle)
and make her play with me. So in a way I guess you
can say that Sophie and I are partying. I get the
feeling you would like for me to come wake you up
so you can join us. I've asked Sophie and she says
no, she needs some alone time with just me. After
all, you do exercise with her daily and walk her
every night. I do enjoy the quietness of the night.
Reading is exhilarating for me and I know that is hard
for you to comprehend because you read all day while
I am hard at work. Night time is the only time I have
to read.
Health experts tell you many things, don't drink
too many soda's, wash your hands one hundred times
a day, eat only green and yellow foods, don't eat
anything white, because the carbs will kill you.
As far as my sleep syndrome goes, those health
gurus have not walked in my shoes. I would say the
average person does need eight hours of sleep. It
can also be said that I am not your average person.
You might have said that yourself on occasion.
I am going to buy a dummy doll to put beside you
when I get up at night. That way if you wake up just
hug the doll. As for your comment that I am bored,
believe you me with all these new rules I am having
to memorize since getting married, I don't have a
lot of extra time to do anything, especially to be bored.

Memories of Love

2011-01-31T09:47:00.000-08:00

She Said

Because the color this month is red, red, red and there
are Valentines galore, I thought I would take a trip down
memory lane about the number of years we've known each
other since that road led to the altar on Christmas Eve.

We met when I was 16 and you were 17. We were both in
a new school in Greensboro and each of us had a significant
other. We graduated the next year and went our separate
ways until 13 years later, when we ran into each other
in a restaurant with our respective spouses and children.

You and I decided to take on the task of organizing a
reunion. We called everyone we knew to begin the process.

From that day on, the reunions took place every five
years and our two families would sometimes get together
in-between. For me, 1995, and for you, 1998, found
both of us single once again. We had our first date a
year after that and you got a real deal: two for the
price of one.

My two older children were in college but I had a
nine-year-old still with me. We tried long-distance
dating for over a year and then I decided to move to
Danville ...no obligations, I told you. Several
months later, you proposed.

Now, with my youngest son graduating from UVA on May 22
and getting married a week later, I'm feeling pangs of
an empty nest syndrome. My oldest son is getting married
October 8 and it seems like a mass exodus in my family.

But wait...we have Sophie...so you still get to buy one,
get one free. She's no trouble at all...except last week
when she was fired by the groomer. They said she was
too active and after more than five years of grooming
her, they told me not to bring her back. I've been frantically
looking for the right person to take her on and last night
you told me that you found someone on facebook who volunteered
to tackle her. What if they do a background check? We're sunk!

He Said

The good thing is you didn't have to do a background check
on me because you grew up with me. One of the best things
about marrying your best friend is that there are no surprises.
In spite of knowing me so well, you still married me.
I think you summed up our life together pretty well.
However, you left out the most important part of all: the
way we met, the words that were said, and the closeness we
felt as friends over the last 46 years.

You also forgot to mention, because you aren't vain, the
fact that you were voted the most beautiful girl in our
high school, that you thought I was in a gang, and
that you knew I had a reputation as being the class clown.
All of these facts meant that although we were in school
together, I had no shot at taking you out on a date. Yes,
we did have significant others at the time; however, if
we had been single, I still don't believe you would have
gone out with me. I only weighed 116 in school, was
not considered handsome, was not popular, did not run
in the right groups, smoked, was not on any sports team,
and was constantly being called to the office for some
infraction.

In high school I didn't even know the word infraction
much less how to spell it; but whatever it was, I kept
doing it. Thanks for being my guiding light. You also
forgot to mention that you tutored me my last year of
school to help me pass my English exam so I could graduate
with the rest of our class. You forgot to mention how
helpful you were to all the other classmates and how popular
you were in school. When we are congratulated for our
marriage, our classmates have replied: "way to go Larry for
marrying the most beautiful girl in high school" or
"condolences for Dena for marrying the biggest cut-up in school'.
Either way I consider myself to be the luckiest man on
the universe, and yes, I accept the fact that you come with
baggage.

I just never expected it to have four legs, bark constantly,
and be a creature that steals time with you from me. I guess
I should have done a background check on your obsession with
dogs. No matter though, I still would have married you.

I love you and Happy Valentine's Day.

Great Traditions or Nostalgic Memories

2011-01-13T04:29:00.000-08:00

She Said He Said Evince Magazine January 2011 Issue

She Said

Isn't technology wonderful?....when it works! I was
thinking about how much these “newfangled notions”
have changed our lives. Instead of typing and retyping
research papers, computers have taken the stress
out of deadlines when all we have to do is delete
and start again. The only day I missed in high school
was to type my term paper, over and over again.
Back then we used a typewriter and we couldn't use
correct tape if we made a mistake; we had to start
all over. The margins had to be exact or once again,
we had to start over. It's a wonder any of us
ever graduated. What about cell phones? Our
grandchildren will never know what it's like
not to have one. We don't even need to wear a
watch because cell phones display time. Of course,
our grandchildren may not be able to tell time
looking at the face of a clock either. I'll admit
that I feel much safer in the car because of my
phone. I remember when I didn't have a microwave
and all cooking had to be done on the stove which
took a lot longer. I also remember not having a
dishwasher and my hands looked like prunes by the
time I finished washing dishes. It didn't matter
that I was allergic to the detergent; I had to
wash dishes anyway. My children have never lived
in a house with a clothes line in the back yard.
I hung so many clothes on the line that when I got
married, I opted for a clothes dryer rather
than a stove! The quality of music has certainly
come a long way when you think about records vs CD's.
Who wants to listen to scratches and other
background noise instead of clear, melodious music?
One of the greatest inventions for me is the timer.
I like walking into my house at night and the
lights are on or during Christmas, the yard lights
and the house lights all come on simultaneously.
Heaven forbid any having to get up off of the couch
to change a TV channel thanks to the remote. Yes,
technology has certainly made our lives easier and,
my dear, I'm sure you've bought stock in all of
the companies who have made it possible just so
you won't waste any energy moving about unnecessarily.
I'll bet you'll call a screeching halt to any
progressive movements which would condense three
meals a day into swallowing a pill.
Wait a minute...I really like that idea.
Think about all of the time we could save
if we didn't have to shop for groceries,
cook, clean up the kitchen, etc. See you
later...I'm going to research my idea of
pills vs meals.

He Said

I agree with a lot of the ideas of modernization
that you are speaking about. I do think our lives have
been made much easier with all of the new inventions
in our lifetime. I do like the cd's and the cell
phones and face book and electric lights. The one
thing we and our children do give up though is all
the good old traditions that made our lives entertaining.
Kids today go to their computers and computer
games instead of riding their bike or playing kick
the can. We use to talk for hours on the land line
phone and sometimes go to sleep talking to our friends
on the phone, and all for one small price. With the
cell phones we tell time, take pictures, video every
event. Things seem to be too easy. On top of all of
this you want me to give up my joy of food for a pill.
There goes Thanksgiving, Christmas dinners,
birthday cake, Easter lunch, and family picnics.
Who wants to go to the park, spread out a blanket
and take a pill? Life is changing, that's for sure.
I miss my typewriter, I miss my family and children
gathered on the front porch drinking lemonade and
eating a piece of pie, while chatting with the neighbors.
But with these modern times, I hardly know my
neighbors, we never have spontaneous get-togethers,
and as you are proposing, when we do meet up with them,
it will be at the pill buffet. Don't get me wrong I do
not want to go back to the old days, but I would
like to keep some traditions alive just for old time
sake. I never want to give up the taste of banana
pudding or lemon pie. I suppose we will have to
start new traditions like playing Wii or Guitar Hero,
but I am not going to like it. Fifty years from
now, if you are right, people will be talking about
food as a tradition, and what color pill do they
take today. I just thank God I was born in the
good old days. Call me traditional or nostalgic,
but remember to call me for breakfast, lunch,
or dinner while I can still taste the food.

Larry's Christmas

2010-12-03T18:28:00.000-08:00

– December 2010

She Said

Every year about September or October you start asking me
to put up the Christmas tree. Up until about 3 years ago,
I had always had a live tree, so it was hard to justify
putting up a live tree in October and having a dead tree
on Christmas morn. Since I have gotten a fake tree as
you now call it, it has given you reason to start whining
earlier than usual. I have seen Christmas decorations
all over town,including the stores where I went to pick
up my Halloween candies. It does not seem right to me to
have to walk through the Christmas section to to get to
the Halloween section. We have just about by passed
Thanksgiving all together and I am sure if we had to
buy something for labor day, we would have had to go
down the Christmas aisles to get to the labor presents.
When I take a walk around the neighborhood I am surprised
to see Christmas decorations already on the houses in
November and Christmas lights already turned on.
There are many reasons that this is not right. One
of course is a higher utility bill in November, and
second of all, I would be growing tired of Christmas
by December the first. Are we going to teach our
children that Christmas starts in November so that
they can teach their children to start in November.
By the second or third generation our great great
grandchildren will be celebrating Christmas in July.
I have noticed that some of the retail stores are
already having sales called Christmas in July. Is
this what the world is coming to. I surely hope not.

He Said

As you know I am a very opinionated person. Here
is my opinion about Christmas. I think that we
should celebrate Christmas all year long. We have
never been to Myrtle Beach when we did not go
into the Christmas store. It is always jam packed,
people are lined up at the counter to buy Christmas
ornaments in April, July, August and October. It
seems to me that people want Christmas all year
long but no one is brave enough to bring it up for
fear of people like you who are locked in a yearly pattern.
Well I am one of the future thinkers of America and
my new platform is to get Christmas in every
month. Think about it. Everyone would be more joyous
and happy every day. Having Christmas every month would
certainly help stimulate the economy with everyone
buying presents, going off to some exotic land to
celebrate the holiday, buying more food to have the
families over for Christmas dinner every month.
Think about all the new things we would be getting
as presents every month to make our lives more fulfilled.
Think about how happy all the children would be to be
getting presents every month. Think about how well the
children would behave everyday with parents threatening
to tell Santa if they were bad, or threatening them
with the idea each month that Santa is not coming
this month if you miss behave. I do believe I am on a
roll now and that this new idea of Christmas every
month in the year could be my ticket to fame. People
all over the world will be calling it Larry's Christmas
month. It will be named after me of course because I
thought of it. In the spirit of Christmas I do want to
thank you for giving me the inspiration for this thought
provoking idea.

Merry Christmas to all from Dena Hill and Larry Oldham –

She Said He Said

Food Fight

2010-11-24T13:45:00.000-08:00

November 2010

She Said

We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We　ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either　too cold or 　too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food.　Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've　seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does.　The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just　chalk
it up to　an off night and keep quiet.　But not him,
in　fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He　expects impeccable
service,　 food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.

All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.

　　

He Said

At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them.　 I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.

The Laws of Driving

2010-11-24T13:36:00.000-08:00

October 2010

She Said

It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.

He Said

I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.

The Joys of Camping (not)

2010-08-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

She Said

Well, summer is about over and we haven't been
camping yet. In fact, we haven't been camping
since we started dating. Why is that? I love
waking up to birds chirping and waves splashing
along the seashore. I used to fix dinner over
a camp fire and I guess it always tasted great
because it took so much effort to get everything
ready. Sometimes I would wrap a roast, potatoes,
carrots, etc. in heavy duty foil, dig a hole
and start a fire with coals. Then I would put
the package on coals, cover it up and go to
the beach. When I returned, dinner was ready.
For dessert, I would wrap biscuit dough around
a stick (shaved clean, of course) and hold it
over the fire until it was brown, pull the stick
out and fill it with jelly. Other campers would
often come and visit around the campfire until
bedtime. Of course, I had to camp next to the
bathhouse so I could have a hot shower and
electricity for my blow dryer and curling iron.
The campsite with the most amenities is at
Fort Wilderness in Disney World. There are
so many activities to do on that site, some
days we wouldn't even go to the Magic Kingdom
or Epcot. I didn't even mind camping in a tent
until my daughter was born and then there
seemed to be a lot of sand in the sleeping bags.
So we graduated to a camper and we could at least
sleep in beds. Then we decided it was too hot
so we traded that camper in for one with air
conditioning. Sleeping under the stars, breathing
fresh air, and listening to crickets sing us to
sleep was exhilerating. You just don't know
what you're missing. We have a friend at the
bank who would love to introduce you to camping...
why don't I call her and arrange a trip for all of us?

He Said

We have not been camping since we started dating
for all the reasons that you have just mentioned.
I'm not going to go through the whole litany of
suggestions that you are attempting to make .
You didn't mention one item in anything you wrote
that I could enjoy except the part about eating.
I have no desire to make a fire, cook out under
the stars, be outside with the mosquitoes and
chiggers, or visit with other people who are too
cheap to rent a hotel room. I would rather mooch
from my rich friends who owns condos in all the
places I enjoy visiting. The idea of having to eat
bread off of a stick just about makes me
nauseous thinking about it.
My idea of moving up from an un-air conditioned
camper to a camper with air conditioning is sort
of repulsive also. Sleeping under the stars,
listening to the crickets singing is not my idea
of living the good life and when I have to go to
the bathroom in the middle of the night, you are
suggesting that I do my business in front of all
those crickets, or go hunting and pecking for
an outside Johnny House that you and your friends
call a bathhouse. That toilet is more than
likely shared by many others who can't sleep
with all of the crickets howling. No I don't
think so. I will just continue to woo you with
eating out, going to plays, flying you to New York,
renting an expensive hotel or in my case mooching
off the generosity of my friends and when your
urge to go camping gets too strong, you can just
call your friends at the bank, and hitch a ride
with them.
Don't forget the bug spray and mosquito net.
I'll be in the condo if you need me.

Through Women's Eyes

2010-08-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said – August 2010 Evince Magazine

She Said

Many times you come to me telling me about something

you have read in some book or magazine about women

and how they should act or how they are acting.

At times you seem surprised about what

you have read. What it comes down to is that

men and women are different and we as women seem to

know that difference and you as men have not

got a single clue. You can read all you want

about the needs of a women and you even discuss

it at length but still go right on doing what

you have always done. Case in point. One article

told you that women want to cuddle, or women

want to tell you about the work day but are not

really looking for advice. We are not soliciting

your opinion and we are not looking for an answer

we just want to tell you about our day. Men cannot

always save the world or conquer an unknown conquest

with their ideas. I just want to share a story with

you with no feedback.

When you read these stories written about women

(more than likely by a man author), why not take

heed? Try some of their ideas. Think of ways that

would please your woman and make her happy

without always having to make it about you

(not that you would ever do that.) I seriously

think that I should start writing these women

articles for these men magazines and try and

make you and all the other men out there realize

that we just want the simple things in life.

A new house, a nice car, a beautiful yard, fine

furniture, some cute outfits, a nice size ring,

and a quiet type man not opinionated.

Is that asking too much?

He Said

I hear you loud and clear. Most of my men friends

could probably give you a list of things that they

would like to see in their women, and I am sure

there would be differences. I am not even going to

attempt to go there because I do not want to

offend you or upset you with my discourse.

Now back to the men's magazines. I think it is

very interesting that someone would sit down,

analyze what makes a woman tick and then write

it down for men of read. This last one was all

about the twenty some subtle hints that women

give you when they are interested. I know I am

not the brightest kid on the block, but I can

tell you without very much repudiation, that

I know the difference when I am being

shunned and when I am being courted.

There is a difference and it is not subtle.

I heard a female comment the other day from a

woman who told another woman “she put the bait

out there, but he just didn't bite”. Now what

does that mean in men terms and what does that

mean in women terms.

It is like you have your own game at capturing

the game. Now you know none of this pertains to you

because I know you as well as any man could know

you and I know you would never use your girly

charms to entice a man. You are a good cook though,

and you keep a clean house, and you are always

offering to do things for me unsolicited. Maybe

this is what the magazine meant by subtle ways to

know she is interested. Maybe all this time you

have been using your female charms to get me. Well

I can tell you right now that it worked.

I have bought it hook, line and sinker. Those

are fishing terms I think.

Is that what the magazine means by being subtle?

Surprise, Surprise!!

2010-08-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

She Said

Surprise! Surprise! Isn't it terrific when someone

thinks enough of you to plan a surprise party or

just a surprise event? No, no, no. I had never met

anyone who didn't like surprises until we moved

from friendship to a couple. I considered it a

thoughtful, caring sequence of events to call your

friends, family, etc., plan a party, and let you

unknowingly walk in on it. Now I realize that the

only person having fun was me. Why is this? You've

said that you hate surprises and you want to know

everything that involves you BEFORE it happens.

You like to be prepared for whatever... The element

of surprise on a persons' face is interesting

to watch but on your face, it's more like pain.

I'm sure there are other people who feel the way

you do so please enlighten me. My family all live

miles away and we're always surprising each other

with an unexpected visit. For my 40th birthday,

it was kind of neat to have my office all decorated

in black when I opened the door that morning.

Comments continued throughout the day as well as

good wishes. You don't even want surprise presents

for Christmas or birthdays and that takes all the

fun out of shopping. I may as well write a check

and hand it to you. When two people know each other

as well as we do, I should be able to surprise you

with something you'll really like but you want to

choose gifts for yourself. Maybe I should stick to

basics that you don't like to buy for yourself like

socks or T-shirts. Boring! How about a compromise???

You can humor me by ACTING surprised and then return

it for something you've had your eye on. After all,

life is a game and the object is to make the

players happy.

He Said

Surprise, surprise , are you happy? What I read in

your ever going endeavor to make me into

the perfect man does not surprise me. I am just

surprised that it has taken you this long to

admonish me on my ability to not act surprised.

Do you know how many people in the world fake being

surprised when the occasion calls for it. Aren't

you surprised that the one man you chose to date and

someday marry does not want to fit into the same

mold as every other man. Does it surprise you that

I have taken the liberty of sharing with you that

I want lie or pretend to be surprised when I am not?

It should not come as any surprise that I have

told you up front, I am a man that does not like

to be surprised. But darling, it still grates on

your last nerve that I just will not feign surprise,

or enjoy the ritual of surprise, or will even lie

to you and act surprised. Yes I could let you buy

me a bow tie, not wear it, and then sneak it back

to the store after purchasing an item that I really

wanted, and surprise you with my new gift that I

honestly wanted all the while. Does this surprise

you? I am honestly surprised after all our years

together that you can still find fault with my

need to be told what I am getting as a present,

when getting what I ask for has always made me happy...

after all isn't life just a game with the object

being to make the other person happy? I bet you

were surprised to see that phrase used again?

I know it surprised me.

Diets are not your Forte'

2010-08-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said – June 2010 Evince Magazine –

She Said

Another week of confusion on what to fix when you

come over to eat. I know you were on that

100 Days of Healthy Living Diet in the city

because you lost twenty pounds and you were

starting to look like that guy I use to know.

For 6 months I watched you drink low calorie

drinks, eat no bread, eat only one or two cookies

instead of fifteen, and you even walked around

the block a couple of times with the dog and me.

About a week or so ago you started eating heavily

again: hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, real Coke,

ice cream sandwiches every night, and enough Oreo's

to make the cows tired of giving milk. Then this

week you tapered off again because you said you

had a doctor's appointment for your bi-annual check

up and he always chastises you about your weight.

It would be a tremendous help to me if you could

somehow co-ordinate your eating habits.

I want you to choose to be fat or be skinny;

just try to work consistency in the equation

so grocery shopping would be less stressful.

Do I buy the real bacon or the diet bacon,

real butter, or the almost taste like butter but not quite?

I am willing to work with you on the diet or at

least keep quiet until you make up your mind to adopt a

permanent weight loss program. Your fat clothes fit

better now and if you start losing weight again,

your clothes will look droopy and you're forced to

buy more. Of course, shopping more for clothes and

less for food might be a good thing so neither one

of us gains any weight.

He Said

Do you like blue or red? Is a Ford better than

a Chevrolet? You are asking me to comment on

something that is almost impossible to answer.

Yes, I want to be thin and yes, I want to look

good in my clothes, but I am going to tell you

right now that I do have this adoration of food.

I really try not to eat so much, but right after

breakfast everyday, I'm thinking about what can

I eat for lunch, or what we are having for dinner.

I think I need a food psychologist to get me out

of this addiction. I don't ever see you eat dessert,

sweets, cookies, or anything like the bad things I

eat. When I ask you what you weigh, you always slide

by the question and change the subject. If I ask

you if you have lost or gained weight, your answer

is always that you are just maintaining your weight.

You exercise 30 minutes in the morning, and walk

two miles a day with the dog, never eat sweets and

just maintain?

I am beginning to think that maybe you are a closet

eater. Just once I'd like to catch you sneaking

around stuffing Oreo's in your mouth when I'm not

looking. You know I couldn't eat a whole bag of

Oreo's by myself. Don't get me wrong I am not

falsely accusing you of being a closet eater,

I just don't understand that when I slow down

my eating sweets and sodas I lose weight, but

when you never eat that junk, you just maintain.

Maybe I should peek over your shoulder the next

time you weigh. It is not that I don't trust you,

I just need to learn your secret. How can you not

lose weight?

Do you see how easy it is for me to turn my eating

habits around to everything being all about you?

Cool huh?

Riding the Food Train

2010-08-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

Evince May 2010 She Said He Said

She Said

Why is it that any time I make a dish with more
than two ingredients, you gag? I had always heard
of a "meat and potatoes man" but you really
carry it to extreme. Cassarole is NOT a four
letter word! In fact, in my other life I planned
cassaroles just so there would be leftovers for
another meal. That's like having a night off
from cooking and cleaning up dishes. No wonder
it never takes us long to go grocery shopping;
we end up eating the same thing every week.
Haven't you heard that variety is the spice of life?
The only time I get to experiment in the kitchen
is when one of our kids is coming for dinner.
I get out recipe books or go online to find
something new that will liven up our taste buds.
Yours are dead. There are supermarkets in
Greensboro that have interesting food selections
that are out of this world and anyone with an
imagination could make a meal that would be a
true epicurian delight. But it would send you
running to McDonalds as fast as your little
legs could carry you. I was shocked when you
ordered frog legs at Steaks on the Square one
night; I thought Nathan was going to have to
carry you out bodily after eating so many of
them. Do you think you could get out of your
comfort zone a little more often? By the way,
they serve meat and potatoes on cruise ships!

He Said

Being the Southern Gentleman that I am
(Fried Chicken and Okra)
I will try and answer you as humbly as I can.
(Mashed potatoes and gravy). I grew up
in a home that served what I like to refer
to as country cooking( Hamhocks and collards).
Many mornings my breakfast consisted of a
peanut butter and egg sandwich and a Coca Cola.
(Pinto beans and onions). I took a sandwich for
lunch and we always had a meat and two vegetables
for supper.(porkchops and apple sauce). So to say
that my palate was unusual would be considered by
some to be right at the top of the the list.
(corn bread and buttermilk).
I surely do not think that you are wrong in
describing your desires for better concocted
meals(Black eyed peas and cream corn) and I
have to agree with you that you certainly deserve
the best in a palatable toothsome meal( apple pie
and vanilla ice cream), but I don't understand
why you think I would enjoy eating casseroles and
tofu ( meat loaf and gravy) when I have surrounded
myself all my life with delectable menu items
of my own(hot dogs with chili) that I have eaten
all my life.(Pinto beans and onions.) Maybe you are
in your comfort zone and you need to experiment
yourself (bannana pudding) and learn to eat foods
that I have enjoyed all my life.(Macaroni and Cheese).
You have just got to learn to take me as I am
(fried tomato pies) and I will work hard to accept
your odd and quirky taste. (Asparagus and salads).
Maybe we can find a cruise ship that has food that
we both can enjoy.
Sometimes I think you are trying to leave me subtle
hints about the kinds of foods you want me to eat.
I would never do that to you. ( chocolate pie)

The Art of Jealousy

2010-08-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said Evince Magazine April 2010 –

She Said

By nature I am not a jealous person. Does not go

well with my personality. You being a Libra have

a very friendly attitude toward the female race.

In all fairness you are also very friendly with

other male friends also. What I am trying to

understand from the female prospective is men's

feelings about what they can do as compared in

theory to what is expected of a woman and what

can do. For example,we go into a grocery store,

clothing store or whatever and you speak to everyone

you know. Sometimes you even touch girls on the

arm while you are talking to them. This really

does not bother me because I know you are faithful,

I know you are a tactile person, and you like to

make people around you feel comfortable. That is

also the salesman in you so I am not really complaining.

Let us now walk into the hardware store, let me ask a

man which aisle is the paint to be found , and when

we leave the store I get from you, why didn't you ask

a female clerk, or why did you ask that guy? I ask

that guy because he was the first person I ran into

with an employee shirt on saying “I am George , I

work in this hardware store, ask me a question”.

It is just the difference between men and women.

I am sure there are flirty women in some stores ,

maybe even the hardware store, but I don't think

you are going to go looking for her. But if we do

talk to a women within five seconds you are

giggling like a two year old, smiling your largest

smile, and touching her somewhere just to be

friendly...and please don't get me started on

hugging.

He Said

Caught red handed. You are right as usual. There is

a double parallel or a double standard when it

comes to men and women. I have my own personal

theory if you would like to hear it. Number one

I do not mean to flirt. I am a touchy feely person,

but always in front of you. If I have ever gotten

too close to a stranger or someone in a store they

have never acknowledged it or neither have you. My

theory is this. Women are in control of everything

in their lives, their children's lives and their spouse's

lives. Men on the other hand are insecure, in need

of attention, and would like for everyone to like

them. When I am being friendly I am just being

friendly. I don't control what the women are thinking

or I don't have some alternative motive in my mind.

I can't convince the hardware clerk to go home

with me if she does not want to. You or women

in general can control the situation from your

prospective. If you like a man you can let it

be known. You can hint that you are single.

You can flirt with your eyes , or even

accidentially get too close to him by mistake.

Most men are looking for an opportunity, so even

the kindest act, smallest touch, gives a man an

inkling that you want him to take you home.

I am sure that the clerks that I talk to at

the hardware store does not want or need me

to take them home. Bedsides, when they see

you and I together ,holding hands, sitting

on the same side of the table in a restaurant,

I imagine they get the hint that you and I are

really together. Just so you know, I have not

met another woman in Danville that is as pretty

or as fun as you. Now New York on the other

hand.(lol)

March 2010 Evince Magazine

2010-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

She Said
By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter should be behind us. Do you remember when we first started dating, you told me that on weekends, your ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well, there are several inches of snow and ice on the ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however, I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately because your hair looks like you were pardoned thirty seconds after the switch was pulled! Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush? Seems like I remember another facebook entry from you stating that "there wouldn't be as many divorces if you tried as hard to keep your partner as you did to get her". We all fall into that marriage mode after a few years and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly, at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice to come in, shower and relax, skipping hairstyling and make-up. I know the way I look doesn't change the way you feel about me and vice versa. Don't worry though, I won't take advantage of your good nature by going to WalMart in hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina where the female population actually goes shopping on Saturday morning with rollers the size of orange juice cans. We can vow to keep each other in check better than that.

He Said

Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer this month , but I will give it the old proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today , I just threw on a toboggan and
hurried over to your house before the snow got too deep, so we could spend the whole day together( I see you over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and washing my hair and coming to your house is the only thing keeping us together , let's stock up on plenty
of Prell shampoo or whatever brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I was probably talking about romance, flowers, cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep their woman happy. I know that when you are not planning on leaving the house your M.O. is to maybe wash your
hair and let it dry naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.

I understand that and to me that would seem to say I know you love me no matter what I look like , so I will just go with my natural look.. however, when I go out, I want to look my best, dressed to the t, so I can know that the world will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best for them.

Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at your best. Maybe I want to see you looking extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you want me to go to any store with you in hairculers is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul, rent a truck, and move you to that little old town in North Carolina where all the women shop with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.

So next time I come over, my hair will be clean, my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean, and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.

You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?

Open Mouth - Insert Foot

2010-02-19T04:52:00.000-08:00

She Said

For someone who hates exercise, you sure don't

mind walking around in your mouth. Just yesterday

I started getting these messages on my email and

now on my facebook page about what you have written

so I thought I'd check it out. I know you like

to use philosophical sayings that you steal from

someone else ( sorry...you do give credit sometimes)

or from some book you found at a yard sale. Most of

the time they are cutesy, and I don't remember any

of them having any meaning.

Now all of a sudden you have come up with a saying

about marriage and you have led our friends into

believing that you are against such a fine institution.

I don't know of any person on this earth who loves

marriage more than you do and if this wasn't

true, why would you keep getting married over and

over again? Back to your statement. When I read

the posting, the first thought I had was negative.

I immediately thought "how dare him say such a thing

about me!?" As I said that was my first thought.

My second thought of course was .."What an idiot!".

I thought you were just showing a seamy side of you.

(Note: I said seamy NOT McDreamy) But I know you.

I know how much you love marriage. I know how much

you love, love. I know that you wouldn't make such

a statement and mean it because when you got home...

there I would be. Not that you have to answer to me;

however, if I confronted you and you didn't have a

reasonable explanation, it would be...”.Lucy you've

got some 'splainin to do”. So I am just going to

let it go this time because I know how playful you

can be and I know without a shadow of a doubt that

you didn't mean...” a wedding ring is the smallest

handcuff in the world” to be about us. I'm sure

it's about some other couple you felt sorry for

and were just trying to make them feel better.

You WERE trying to make someone else feel better...right?

He Said

To be perfectly honest with you, I never gave a thought

about us when I wrote that little saying.

I just thought it was funny and that all my friends

would be laughing. A couple of things happened after

I wrote this.

A...My friends didn't read it, yours did.

B. None of your friends thought it was funny.

They started emailing and face booking you about

what a slug I was. As you know I would never hurt you

intentionally and I really thought you would never

see it anyway so what the heck.

Now I see that most of your friends and a lot of

my friends think I am a selfish, one sided, don't

care anything at all about marriage type of guy.

As my friends all say ...marriage is a fine institution

if you're ready for an institution. You can see I

was careful to give my friends the credit for such a

slanderous statement. I love marriage. Some of my

best friends are married. There are probably a

couple of them who think that their wedding ring

is a handcuff. Not me. I think it is a strong sign of

true love between two people who are proud to show

the world how much they love each other by agreeing

to wear a chain, I mean a cross, I mean a wedding

ring as proof of their feelings for one another.

Hopefully some day you and I will be able to show

the world how much we really care about each other

by wearing a ring cuff, I mean a wedding ring.

What Happened this Year?

2010-01-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

She Said

About a week ago it was January, 2009, and we were
planning our year. Now it is January, 2010, and
I don't feel like I have accomplished as much as
I wanted to. I had so many projects planned and
so many ideas about what I wanted to get done in
2009 and somewhere along the way, the year vanished.
Did you steal my year from me? I dislike having to
blame you every time something happens, but really
aren't you the culprit who is usually at fault?
You're a nice guy with a lot of friends and you
love to be the apple dumpling of the FaceBook crowd,
but the idea of stealing a whole year from me, just
tarnishes my view of your charming personality.
I know you are not a thief and I know you wouldn't
do it on purpose but I have lost a lot of valuable
time here and since I don't know where it is,
it must be your fault. I have to say that this year
was a good year though since we still have our good
health, and some of our parents are still with us.
I am not complaining so much as I am wondering out
loud where all the time went. So if you have some
way of making all of this up to me, now would be
the time to do it. I need about three more hours
in the day to get my projects done and then I'll
be happy.
　
He Said

You know the old adage "Time flies when you're
having fun"? You must be having a ball! As we
get older time just flies by a bit more quickly;
everyone over fifty knows that. Where have you
been? Time passing by isn't a problem for me...
getting blamed for everything is the problem.
Must I always be your scapegoat? Some of the
TIME, I don't mind being blamed for things but
stealing a whole year is not my fault and I'll
stand my ground on this one.
I'll admit that I have encouraged you to slow
down, not tackle so many projects, and spend
more time with me just relaxing but most of
the time that hasn't happened. You should
spend more time grazing on the front porch,
sipping cool drinks, and taking trips and
then maybe your year would have dragged by
as mine did.
I am so well rested, I could run a marathon.
We're not getting any younger which means time
will continue to fly by like the wind. Before
you know it, we'll be 100 years old with no
friends, strangers will be feeding us, changing
Depends. and pushing our wheelchairs while
you're bellyaching about not having enough time
to put a new roof on the house or clean the
basement. Fifty years from now, it won't matter
anyway. So start taking it easy...come home
from school, take off your shoes, make dinner,
wash the dishes, fold the clothes, walk to
the dog, and go grocery shopping. THEN we can
settle down in a nice Lazyboy chair, cuddle
up and watch TV. If you would slow down a
little, I promise you would enjoy
life more...or at least longer.

All I want for Christmas is......

2009-11-29T07:16:00.000-08:00

She Said
We should all learn a lesson from your youngest son, Seth.
He is a master at "rolling with the punches". If we ask him
what he wants for dinner, he says it doesn't matter. If we
ask him what he wants for Christmas, he says he hasn't
really thought about it. If we ask him to come and visit,
he will come if he can. And get this: if we ask him if
he needs money, he says he has enough. Are you sure he's
your son? When I ask you what you want for Christmas,
you smile and say "everything". You start thinking about
Christmas in September so your list of suggestions is
complete around Labor Day. The real Labor Day is finding
all of the impossible trinkets you've asked for. It doesn't
help that stores start putting out Christmas decorations
and playing Christmas music earlier and earlier each year
so that by the time December gets here, it's old news. I
think Thanksgiving should be the first Thursday in November
instead of the third, so we can enjoy more time between
holidays. Why not prolong Christmastime so it will give
you longer to whine about why you're not always getting
your way? Unlike Seth, If I ask what you want for dinner,
you give "picky" a whole new vocabulary. Food is either
too hot, too cold, not seasoned enough, burned, or simply
not what you were in the mood for. And my favorite response
is "Didn't I just see this yesterday?" It took me a while
to realize that you're serious about never eating leftovers.
Leftovers are a godsend when I come home from work at
7:00 pm and you're waiting for dinner. I have a great
idea...just for the month of December, how about you doing
all of the meal planning, shopping, cooking, dishwashing,
laundry, etc., and I'll assume your pose in the recliner
reading, relaxing, or snapping my fingers for something
to eat and drink. If you don't like doing it for one month,
we could always make it a New Years Resolution that will
last for a whole year.

He Said
I will admit that my son Seth is not the proverbial chip
off the old block. I personally feel like Christmas should
be everyday in the year for me. I usually get what I want
all year long except maybe for dinner. I do like odd things
and probably don't fit in the everyday list of whatever
"normal" is. I am picky about my food because I like what
I like. I do enjoy getting my way and I go into my man cave
sometimes when I don't. I do not like leftovers but I can't
ever remember not offering to take you out to dinner whether
you are early from school or late from school. I would
never ask you to make dinnner for me unless I am sick or
you are cooking for yourself anyway. Now about those Christmas
presents. Did I give you my list yet? I thought I gave it to
you in July. This plan of yours about me doing all of the work
in a given month or year, is one we may have to discuss. I
will do the same for you that I did for my ex-wife and just
hire a maid. Of course, when she arrived at the door, my wife
wouldn't let her in because the house was too dirty. It's the
same with yard work. I will hire a yard man and then both of
us can sit on the porch, sip tea, hold hands, and point him
in the right direction when he misses a spot. Anyway, New
Years is a long way off and I'm still trying to digest the
notion that I'm hard to please at Christmas. Just go to
Sounds Unlimited and tell them Larry sent you. They can
certainly please me for Christmas choices but will probably
be at a loss as to what to make me for dinner.
Merry Christmas, Darling.

Ten Reasons to be Thankful

2009-10-30T04:08:00.000-07:00

Nov. 2009

She Said

November is such a nice time of the year. Not too hot,

not too cold and the leaves changing giving

us an artist palate of colors in the trees.

Got me to thinking about all the things that

we should be thankful for, so I made my top

ten reasons to be thankful this year for Thanksgiving.

1.Thank you for giving our family good health all year.
2.Thank you for putting good friends in our life.
3.Thank you for letting us have a job that we enjoy.
4.Thank you for giving us the time to spend with our relatives.
5.Thank you for giving us the wisdom to get out of the stock market.
6.Thank you for giving us the knowledge to appreciate our happiness
7.Thank you for our church and the freedom of worship.
8.Thank you for the gift of reading and hearing music.
9.Thank you for the talents that you have given our children.
10.Thank you for giving us the opportunity of sharing your grace and love.

I trust that everyone will stop and think about all the

great things that we have to be thankful for

this year. Yes everyone has had some conflicts on the

economic side, but there are so many things

that we overlook like our health, friends , and family

that loves us and that we love. Just remember

there are others out there that are suffering

and having a harder time than you.

He Said

I feel your pain. I agree with everything that you said.

However , even though every thing you said

is important and I like what you are saying ,

you just didn't think of everything that we should be

thankful for. I have made up my own top ten list of

all the things I am happy for. More than likely

my list might be a tad different than yours, but

that is what attracted us to each other. Our own

individuality. Here is my top ten reasons to be thankful.

1. Summer is gone and no more yard mowing.
2. It is cold outside so no more demands on me to go for a walk.
3. No one asking me to go fishing.
4. Christmas will soon be here.
5. I made it to another birthday.
6. It gets dark sooner.
7. Snakes are hibernating
8. I am another year closer to retirement
9. Time for another John Grisham novel.
10. Another year closer to the day of our marriage.

You can tell by that last statement that I am a very

sensitive person. I didn't just write that to

impress you . Yes I am thankful for all that family

stuff too. And I like what you said about the

stock market and reading and music. But I just think

you thing too large. You seem to be

forgetting all the little things in life that

make up the bigger things.

That is why my list was a little more eclectic than

yours. I only wanted you to remember that not

everyone has the same likes and dislikes about life.

Some people have different priorities. Mine

of course have to do with lawn work (or the need

to avoid it) and finding a good novel to read.

That is why I love you though, because I can always

depend on you to keep me focused...and

for that I am really thankful.

The Other Woman

2009-10-02T03:17:00.000-07:00

She Said

After ten years of being together you know I am not the
jealous type. I have never accused you of any wrong doing
and I don't question you about your travels, phone calls,
lunch dates, or even your flirtatious manner. I accept you
just the way you are. Now all of a sudden, SHE comes into
your life.
Don't give me that “What did I do kind of stare”. You
know what I am talking about. The first thing you do when
you come in the house is turn on the computer. You never
used to do that. The last thing you do before you leave,
is look on the computer. What use to take you five or ten
minutes, now takes you one or two hours. I've kept my cool;
I haven't asked you questions. I haven't sneaked up behind
you to see what you were doing ( O.K., maybe one time).
It hasn't really bothered me until now because more and
more of your time is being spent on that computer.
I hear stories about people going on chat lines and
meeting people on line. I have never suspected you
of doing either one of those things. I have never blamed
you or even ask you about what you do on the computer.
But after six months of wondering and debating whether to
ask you about it, you wrote about it in Showcase Magazine
last month. That's right . I am talking about your new love.
The person with whom you want to spend every waking minute.
The one person who fits your needs to a tee and doesn't
talk back, except for a whimsical answer to a rhetorical
question, usually delivered in some cute fashion.

That's right I am talking about your new found friend....Facebook.

Well, she can't fulfill every need. You need to remember
that late at night.

You better start becoming one of my fans...real soon.

He Said

Jealousy. She is a cruel mistress for man or woman. I hate
to get all philosophical on you or even try to defend my
efforts to justify some validity to my life and what I do.
But I am going to try because that is what men do. Many
months ago someone ask me to join FACEBOOK. After I did,
I showed it to you and you asked me why it was necessary.
I told you it was a social networking place
for people to meet and rekindle old friendships.
Your comment to me at that time was " looks like a place to
meet girls to me".
At that very moment, I came off of Facebook for you.
After reading more and more about it and being invited to
rejoin as a social event,
I signed on. A few months later (and not meeting any girls),
I asked you to join. You agreed to give it a try as soon
as school was out.
I showed you what it was all about and pointed out
articles about the positive aspects of Facebook. Many of
your friends had already invited you to join. You have
seen people and reconnected with many old friends and
although you don't participate often you still seem
to check out your Facebook page almost daily. I think
you see the validity in joining such a social networking
class and hopefully you will continue to connect with former
classmates and friends.
Oh yeah, and you might just get to make some new male friends.
Uh oh, I feel that Jealousy mistress creeping back in.
See you on Facebook and I remain your biggest fan.(at least weight wise.)

Pockets of Love

2009-09-01T03:56:00.000-07:00

She Said

Are you related to a kangaroo somewhere down the line?
You cram so much "stuff" in your pockets that you bulge
in all directions and then you ask me to get out my
trusty sewing machine and fix your torn pockets like
new again. It's impossible to sew on fabric that doesn't
exist. You probably carry four heavy chains of keys
(and I bet you don't even know what some of them go to),
a trifold wallet ( I've bought you billfold ones that
don't get so fat but you conveniently lose them) receipts
from years past (can't throw anything away), calling cards
that could be filed elsewhere for easier reference, candy,
comb, two cell phones, glasses, chewing gum, and a variety
of pens. Meanwhile, you ask me to put a few things in my
purse for you such as extra glasses, drink packets, Advil,
hand sanitizer, stain remover, lint brush, and camera.
So here we come down the street with me following ten
steps behind you like Attila the Hun with my backpack
so laden with "stuff" that I can hardly walk.
I have two words for you...man purse.

He Said

I should talk about all the junk you carry in your handbag.
But I won't. I am too much of a gentleman.
If I did have a bag like yours , that weighs over 75 lbs,
you would never have to fix another pocket for
my pants. As it is today in our small city, most men are
carrying a wallet, bi-fold or tri-fold, not a man purse ,
and only carry the essential items including money to
buy you dinner each night and to pay for anything we do on a date.

I could carry my personal items in my glove box in my car
and change it out if I drive my other car or we take your car,
or we ride in our friends car to go out to eat.(with money
kept in my wallet). Now that I realize that the THREE times
in ten years that I have ask you to sew up my pockets has
been an extreme hardship on your daily life, I will do my
best to avoid asking you to do such a difficult and time
consuming job ever again.
I guess I could ask my mother to sew them up, who I might
add never complained one time, and always welcomed her son
with open arms whenever he needed a helping hand in any situation.
Yes , I agree you are not my mom, but don't you think
that every man is looking for a woman who treats her man
like his mother treated him? Maybe it is just me and you
are probably right that I took advantage of you on this
“sewing my pocket thing”. Next time just remind me to
give them to my Mother.
Did I happen to mention she never complains?

Romance ...In the Beginning

2009-07-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said August 2009 Romance…In the beginning.
Evince Magazine

She Said

When I woke up this morning I started thinking about you.

Before your ego jumps off the scale,

let me finish. I started thinking about how romantic you

use to be. I mean, you love me and I love you

and all that, but what exactly happens over time when the

romantic gestures that you made in the past

become old hat? Why can't you be romantic like you were

when we first started dating? The first time

you came to my house you brought me flowers and sent me

love notes almost daily. How long has it

been since you sent me a romantic card to tell me how

much you care? You called once or twice a day

when I lived in North Carolina. Have you forgotten an

$800 phone bill one month? You use to drive

down to Greenville on Wednesday’s at 5 pm to take me

to dinner. That was a 3 hour drive for a 2 hour

dinner and a 3 hour drive back home. What about that

internet arrangement you made with WBTM so

that my family and friends from all over the United

States could hear you propose to me on the radio?

That was beautiful and made me cry. Don't get me wrong,

I have not forgotten all the things you have

done for me over the years and the times you have

whisked me off to New York or the beach . I

appreciate those excursions and since you were going

anyway I just tagged along. (Just kidding. You

begged me to go every time). Don't even get me started

on kissing. Now, Sophie my poodle, gets

more kisses than I do, but unlike her, I don’t leave

a puddle on the floor when you kiss me!

He Said

I’ll give you this, when you get wound up on a subject

you go for the jugular. Let's look at this

so called problem that you have with our romance, or

lack of. When I came to Greenville, N.C.,

you were sitting on the couch, dressed to the nines,

not a hair out of place, smelling like a rose, and

a candlelight dinner was prepared with fresh flowers

on the table. The night was not only romantic,

but everlasting. You even gave me a handkerchief soaked

in the perfume you were wearing that night

for me to take with me on the 3 hour drive back home.

What a pleasant reminder of the evening!

Today when I come to your house after work, I don't have

the long drive; I don't have to call long

distance to tell you I am coming over. Since I see you

everyday, I just feel you know I care about

you without bringing flowers or sending a card. Now compared

to the first days of dating and today,

what do I get? I come to your door, I let myself in, the

dog barks for my attention, so I give her a kiss.

I holler out for you and you yell back that you are in

the basement, your hair is a wreck, you are

sweating, and you say don't touch me or you’ll get wet.

You have on old sweat pants and t-shirt. That’s

a far cry from being all dolled up and waiting for me at

the door with open arms. You suggest I go buy

a pizza for supper since you are so caught up in your work.

Of course you can't go to a movie tonight

because you have papers to grade or you need to paint

the kitchen.

Where in that description did you find room for me to be romantic?

No, I think you need to start a new revolution with your

women friends. How about the “Preservation of Keeping Romance

in My Relationship” ? You could start with greeting me

at the door, tea in hand, dinner on the table, dressed to

the nines, smelling like perfume

instead of paint thinner, and a desire to lead me to

places I have never known before.

What a fantasy....I'll run on down to the pizza parlor now...

Honey Darling Dear.

Stuck in a Food Rut

2009-07-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said July 2009 Evince

She Said

Life is too short already and the other day

I just happen to mention that it would be nice

to go to some new restaurant. I didn't really

have anything in mind, just somewhere new for

something different.

I knew just as soon as I opened my mouth, I was

in deep trouble. I braced myself for another one of

your gifted tirades and on going conversation

about why or why not we should try another restaurant.

I have gotten use to you knowing something about

everything. I accepted those terms when we started

dating and became engaged. So I am not challenging

you per se, however I would like to state my

case openly. Steaks, country style steak, prime

rib steak, hamburger steak, pork chops, fried chicken,

creamed potatoes, mashed potatoes, green beans, peanut

butter and jelly, Hall's pastry(everyday),

hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, stewed tomatoes,

pretty much sums up your idea of perfect meals.

I, on the other hand , happen to know that there

are other foods out there waiting to be tasted.

I really don't mind fixing you anything your little

old heart desires because I love you. But how about

some Thai , Japanese, or Chinese cuisine occasionally

just to break up the monotony.? I know you do not

like to try new things and I accept that. But could

it hurt you to think outside the box and take me to

a different restaurant so that my palate could

experience good food one more time before I die.?

Is that asking too much? It's not like I am asking

you to move to another country, I just want you to

enjoy the taste of other cultures. You might find

something you have been missing out on all your life.

Then again knowing you, you might just be happy

eating peanut and jelly sandwiches till you die.

He Said

I can appreciate you asking me to expand my horizons.

I suspect that every woman in the world would

like to change her man into just what she always

wanted, or to put it in your vernacular, Help me to

become the man You always knew I could be. You know

I want to please you. That is what I live for

daily. Most everything you ask me to do, I really

try to do it for you. But FOOD. I mean you are

treading on sacred ground here. A man's home is

his castle and a man's food is pretty darn close

to his money.

I am all for change . Mostly I am for changing you.

How about you trying collard greens, or banana

pudding, or calamari, or peanut butter egg sandwiches?

When I ask you to try these scrumptious items

you turn up your nose and make that funny face as if

I had choked your dog. We are all different and

have our own needs. This week your needs seem to be

eating foreign foods, Hopefully this is a passing

fancy that will go away next time Hamrick' s has a

sale and your mind goes into another mode..like

dresses are on sale. Maybe that will take your mind

off going to foreign restaurants or an exotic

restaurant just to let me enjoy the finer taste

of life that I do not want. Please don't take this

the wrong way. I mean if your mind is really set on

going exotic food , I am willing to sacrifice my needs

to make you happy. I don't always have to have my way

even though it is nice. Besides, they would never

know if I sneeked in a Happy Meal under the table

and if I am going to do this for you, you might as

well be shopping in the collard section next week

at the grocery store. One favor begats another, I

always say.

House Woes

2009-06-16T02:57:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said June, 2009 Evince

She Said

It's spring and while a young man's fancy turns
to love, this old lady's fancy is turning
towards a house. I would like one that was post
Civil war instead of pre-Civil war. I had a
garbage disposal installed only to find out
that the pipes are too old and narrow for it
to work properly. The freezer door only opens
half way so if I want to put something oversize
in it, I have to pull it out from the wall.
I bought a stove and a "friend of a friend"
of yours installed it so I'm constantly in
fear of looking like I was pardoned thirty
seconds after the switch was pulled every
time I turn it on. The only one who enjoys
my tiny bathtub is Sophie (my standard poodle)
and I usually end up more drenched than she
does. My windows have never been thoroughly
washed because I can't get the storm windows
off and back on again. When I took the screens
off, I just stacked them in the basement for
the next owner to enjoy. Curb appeal...the
shrubs were so outdated that I decided to
trim them but it turned out to be more of
a butcher job. They all died. I connected
the washing machine only to have my neighbor
call and tell me water was running out of
the basement door. So I called a plumber
who knew just slightly more than I did
about plumbing and two days after he left,
I discovered that he had burst a pipe in
the basement. Water had soaked my out of
season wardrobe and boxes of treasures
stored away. The least he could have done
was to inform me before he left. I have
painted each room so many times that the
square footage is shrinking considerably
year by year. My pride and joy is my garden
window in the kitchen. It doesn't matter
that I don't have a green thumb...silk flowers
look great. So the difference between us is
that all of these little nuisances are Venus
issues and you are satisfied with living on
Mars. Do you think we could look for a place
halfway in between...my geography isn't
very good but Hawaii would be acceptable.

He Said

Let me tell you why men go into their caves,
or retreat to Mars on a regular basis. Go
back and read what you said. To you it has a
meaning, a deep meaning. Now I love you,
so don't get offended by this, but all I read
was blah, blah, blah, blah and more blah.
I did not pick out your house. All of that
whining is probably very important to you.
What about the war in Iraq? What about the
starving children all over the world? What
about breast cancer? What are we having
for supper tonight? I mean really, I did not
see one item that couldn’t be fixed, except
maybe moving your house to Hawaii. When I
mentioned retiring to Myrtle Beach, your
answer was something to the tune of too
crowded, too much beach, too many weirdo's
or something to that affect.
Maybe you were just having a bad day when you
came up with all these ideas of how bad your house
is. It sounded more like a Dear Abby letter to me
just to get it off your mind. Don't take offense
because any problem you have is either my problem
or turns out to be my problem. So let's look for
some solutions for you. Knock out the wall for the
refrigerator. Get a real electrician to re-connect
the stove. Find a home for the dog so you don't get wet.
Buy new windows. Pave the yard. Buy new wardrobe.
Put up wallpaper in each room. All problems solved.
You are happy. I am happy. We move to Hawaii
or to Myrtle Beach and live happily ever after.
Oh and by the way, what is for supper?

The Art of Arguing

2009-05-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said

She Said

Let's talk about the art of arguing. No, that's not
an oxymoron like the former Elon College athletes:
the Fighting Christians. There is an art to arguing
or disagreeing. The first rule is to stick to the
problem at hand. You always dig into the deepest
recesses of your mind to conjure up conflicts we
had ten years ago which are hardly relevant to the
problem at hand. You complain constantly about all
of the projects that I like to do and at the same
time you'll chide me about how I'm turning into my
mother because she didn't like to cook, clean, or
do laundry. You've never heard me complain about
those chores; what I complain about is that you
won't give me time to do them. You'll tell me how
much I spoil my kids and in the same breath, you'll
complain about having to drive both ways to
Greensboro to visit your family. Duh?! Stick to
the subject. Let's finish talking about my kids
first and then move on to something else. If you
want to complain about the fact that I have school
work or housework to do instead of sitting on the
sofa holding hands, then let's hear it. But in the
middle of the sentence, you'll casually throw in
"and by the way, why did you let your son park in
the driveway knowing you would have to move his car
in the morning and if I park there at the wrong time,
you fuss at me. Why don't you ever fuss at him...?
Why can't you treat me the same way you treat him?"
Do you see how you go off on a tangent and veer
from the subject at hand? There is no need to bring
up past grievances. Speak your peace and move on.
I'm a big girl and I can take it. Besides, the
shorter our arguments are, the quicker we can
get to kissing and making up.

He Said

I believe I counted ten different subjects in
your ranting....Arguing, Elon College, ten year
old conflicts, projects, your mother, chores,
spoiling kids, driving to Greensboro, my mother,
fussing at your kids.
Where does a man even begin? First of all , I
never even knew we argued or fussed. I view frank
discussions about all subjects fair game and just
opinions. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we
disagree. Children have never been a problem
for me. Your double standards on the other hand has
been subject for discussion a couple of times. I
only suggest that everyone in the house be treated the
same. All rules should apply equally. Since all
your children are grown, I assume that house rules
apply to everyone, not just for three year olds.
If I use a case history from yesterday or ten years
ago it is not to bring up an old subject, but to apply
that situation with a current situation since the
former situation was resolved. This might just be
the old “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”
argument all over again. I have never complained
about projects or housework, and I certainly have
never compared you with your mother. That would be
grounds for dismissal I am sure. I think most of
the time I am saying one thing and you are hearing
something else.
As a matter of fact, I would not be surprised that
after reading my answer, your assumption would be
after reading this, that I was talking about Rocket
Science, not relationships. Not changing the subject
but could we get back to that kissing and making up thing.

Just exactly what all would that involve?

Being Anti-Social

2009-04-12T04:46:00.000-07:00

She Said He Said April 2009 Evince

She Said
It is of some concern to me that you are becoming
anti-social. Over the past few weeks it seems to me
that every time some of our friends call to do
something fun, you have other choices that seem
to be more important. What is more important than
bike riding and getting fresh air and more exercise?
When the neighbors called us and wanted us to go
sledding in the snow, I thought, what a joy to feel
the fresh air sledding up and down the street and
over the hills in the park. Wouldn’t it be fun to
take Sophie out in the snow with her paws sinking
up to her tummy wondering how to get them out?
Where were you in all this frivolity? Sitting at home
looking out the window or eating a snack. Sometimes
our friends want to go to their favorite restaurant
but you hold out for your favorite. So much for
winning friends and influencing people You are a
good guy and all that , but sometimes I see you as
a couch potato if you don't get your way. This may
be a man thing for all I know because it seems to be
consistent in a lot of men. I am not saying you
need to run a 10 k with me, although that would be
nice sometime, or go for a walk with me,
(that would help you regain your high school physique)
but more exercise would insure that we could
grow old together. I am just saying, make an effort
to be in touch with others, enjoy the fresh air, be
true to your friends and let them come first sometimes.
You know what they say about “keeping Mama happy”.

He Said
You don't want me to name everything I have done last
month to keep mama happy. We don't have enough room or
enough time for everyone to read my good deeds I have
done for you.
I do it out of love of course, but somehow, they always
slip your mind. When have I ever declined an offer to
go out to eat. Just last night I offered to go get us a
pizza and you declined because of your relationship with
your doctor and all this stuff about cholesterol. He would
never know if we occasionally sneaked a pizza into the
house for a little quality food. I eat the salads and give
the quiche to the dog, so one bad meal shouldn't set you
back too far. As for the snow, I love it! I love to
see it falling. I love to see it on the trees. But as far
as going out and cavorting in the cold mess, getting wet
and possibly giving me a cold, NO THANKS! I like our friends.
I even suggested they come over and bring hot chocolate...but
AFTER all that sledding stuff, not before. You
took pictures and I enjoyed looking at them. Our friends
took videos and I am anxiously awaiting to see
them, but as far as gallivanting out in the snow, I have
no desire. I never objected to your going and
having fun. I was happy for you and happy I didn’t have
to go. I was free to read my book and look out
the window and watch everyone enjoying the winter. As
far as mama being happy, I called her
and she said it is always a joy to hear her favorite
son's voice. So mama is happy

March....or Something Like It.

2009-02-28T11:33:00.000-08:00

She Said He Said March 2009 By Dena Hill and Larry Oldham

She Said

I have a love/hate relationship with the month of March. It is true
that the March winds bring in the springtime. I love that part of the
month. The part of the month that I hate is the time of the month
that I am forced to tell you my monthly plans. March always is the
time of year that I start making out my list of springtime chores that
I want to accomplish. The weather is usually getting warmer, the
trees are getting ready to bloom and it is time to start planning
my gardening, painting, and in general getting ready to get
the house fixed up for summer and all that that entails. The
hate part is the dread of sharing all of this with you. You
always start whining about the “honey do list, why do you
have to help do all these things “, you ask.
This year I am not even going to tell you what I am going
to do, I am not going to ask you to help me, and I have
thrown the “honey do”jar away. So you can relax this year,
I will take care of all the springtime work, and you just
rest up for the coming summer months deciding on
where we vacation, what movies we will see, where we will
eat, who will drive, when we must visit your mother, what
to wear, what book to read next,should you pay someone to
cut your grass, you know all the important decisions
in your life.

He Said

I really don't think you understand how hard I work,
and all the decisions that are important that have
to made in my daily routine. Yes, March is a hard month,
but so was January when you couldn't decide which tile
to lay down on your bathroom floor, or November when
you had to paint the ceiling in the living room, or
September when you had to move the furniture around all
over the house. I mean, look, I know the house is
important to you, and it means a lot to me that
everything is always clean , and the house is always
spotless. I don't want to sound like a male
chauvinist pig, but all that women's need that you
have ,can be taken care of ,as I told my ex-wife, with
a phone call to a cleaning service.
I don't understand the need to clean every spring, mess
it up every fall, and clean it again next spring. All
this cleaning talk is really giving me a headache. Why
don't we just skip this March madness of cleaning,
go get some ice cream, sit on the porch, or go cook
out some steaks.
If we don't invite the neighbors over this year, and we
avoid all our friends , so they won't visit us, who is
going to see the house , dirty or clean , except us.....
and maybe the dog. Have you ever heard the dog complain.
No,I didn't think so. We can all be happy if we work
together on this thing, re-evaluate our priorities, and
learn to live together in harmony. A few germs might help
build up our immune system and help us live longer. On
the other hand we could clean, which could give
us a heart attack, might give us a stroke, or could
affect our immune system by being germ and dirt free,
which could expose us to all kinds of health problems.

I rest my case.

February Is Heart Month- For Most People

2009-01-24T17:12:00.000-08:00

She Said by Dena Hill

National Heart Month
(for most people)

February is National Heart Month and I thought this might
be a good time to remind you that your heart is what keeps
you alive. Feeding it ribeye steak, prime rib, mashed potatoes
and every kind of candy bar you can digest does not keep your heart
healthy. I don’t want to get on the exercise subject again because I
know how much it pains you (no pun intended). When we ride
our bikes (twice a year) with our friends and you have to stop to
watch the birds fly (lol) or see the pigeons land, my assumption is
that you are out of wind and need a rest stop.

We try to limit the rest stops to none and you try to limit your
stops to under a hundred. Now I am not your mother
and I am not trying to tell you what to do, but you do need to
love me forever and you always need to be my valentine. Did I
tell you that I plan to live to be a hundred? If you are going to be
with me, then you have to start taking better care of your heart
so we can share many more Valentine Days together. From
now on remember...exercise, eat the right kinds of food, and take
care of your heart. One hundred is not that far away for either
one of us. A little precaution on our part could help us live
longer. If you love me you will start exercising and taking better
care of yourself.

Now go clean your room.

he Said by Larry Oldham

As usual you may be right about this heart thing. I think
most men’s hearts hurt because they are aching over something
that you women have done. I mean exercising and eating
tofu is pretty much a girl thing. Don’t get all huffy puffy on me
now about being sexist. This has nothing to do with sex.
You make a lot of good points. I don’t really have
a lot of time for exercising and such with my busy and hectic
schedule. I have basketball in the winter, football in the fall, volleyball
in the spring, NASCAR through the summer and early fall,
and I do have a job you know. I mean taking care of myself for you
is very important. I want you to be my valentine and all, but do I
have to jump through all these hoops just to buy you candy
once a year?

The bike riding is fine, however, that trail is at least 100 miles
long, and they don’t have rest stops, or snack stands. If I stop
to take a drink from my water bottle, I get accused of resting.
I think a better way of taking care of my heart is to stay at
home and curl up with a good book, a tall bottle of soda, a
Snickers bar, some potato chips, and a good race on TV. I believe
all doctors would agree with me that I am resting my heart, and
they would probably agree with me that I am preserving my heart.
I believe the same as you about taking care of the heart, we just
have different methods. Who’s to say my way wouldn’t work too?

If I live to be a hundred, I can sing I Did It My Way