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She Said
Because the color this month is red, red, red and there
are Valentines galore, I thought I would take a trip down
memory lane about the number of years we've known each
other since that road led to the altar on Christmas Eve.
We met when I was 16 and you were 17. We were both in
a new school in Greensboro and each of us had a significant
other. We graduated the next year and went our separate
ways until 13 years later, when we ran into each other
in a restaurant with our respective spouses and children.
You and I decided to take on the task of organizing a
reunion. We called everyone we knew to begin the process.
From that day on, the reunions took place every five
years and our two families would sometimes get together
in-between. For me, 1995, and for you, 1998, found
both of us single once again. We had our first date a
year after that and you got a real deal: two for the
price of one.
My two older children were in college but I had a
nine-year-old still with me. We tried long-distance
dating for over a year and then I decided to move to
Danville ...no obligations, I told you. Several
months later, you proposed.
Now, with my youngest son graduating from UVA on May 22
and getting married a week later, I'm feeling pangs of
an empty nest syndrome. My oldest son is getting married
October 8 and it seems like a mass exodus in my family.
But wait...we have Sophie...so you still get to buy one,
get one free. She's no trouble at all...except last week
when she was fired by the groomer. They said she was
too active and after more than five years of grooming
her, they told me not to bring her back. I've been frantically
looking for the right person to take her on and last night
you told me that you found someone on facebook who volunteered
to tackle her. What if they do a background check? We're sunk!
He Said
The good thing is you didn't have to do a background check
on me because you grew up with me. One of the best things
about marrying your best friend is that there are no surprises.
In spite of knowing me so well, you still married me.
I think you summed up our life together pretty well.
However, you left out the most important part of all: the
way we met, the words that were said, and the closeness we
felt as friends over the last 46 years.
You also forgot to mention, because you aren't vain, the
fact that you were voted the most beautiful girl in our
high school, that you thought I was in a gang, and
that you knew I had a reputation as being the class clown.
All of these facts meant that although we were in school
together, I had no shot at taking you out on a date. Yes,
we did have significant others at the time; however, if
we had been single, I still don't believe you would have
gone out with me. I only weighed 116 in school, was
not considered handsome, was not popular, did not run
in the right groups, smoked, was not on any sports team,
and was constantly being called to the office for some
infraction.
In high school I didn't even know the word infraction
much less how to spell it; but whatever it was, I kept
doing it. Thanks for being my guiding light. You also
forgot to mention that you tutored me my last year of
school to help me pass my English exam so I could graduate
with the rest of our class. You forgot to mention how
helpful you were to all the other classmates and how popular
you were in school. When we are congratulated for our
marriage, our classmates have replied: "way to go Larry for
marrying the most beautiful girl in high school" or
"condolences for Dena for marrying the biggest cut-up in school'.
Either way I consider myself to be the luckiest man on
the universe, and yes, I accept the fact that you come with
baggage.
I just never expected it to have four legs, bark constantly,
and be a creature that steals time with you from me. I guess
I should have done a background check on your obsession with
dogs. No matter though, I still would have married you.
I love you and Happy Valentine's Day.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Great Traditions or Nostalgic Memories
She Said He Said Evince Magazine January 2011 Issue
She Said
Isn't technology wonderful?....when it works! I was
thinking about how much these “newfangled notions”
have changed our lives. Instead of typing and retyping
research papers, computers have taken the stress
out of deadlines when all we have to do is delete
and start again. The only day I missed in high school
was to type my term paper, over and over again.
Back then we used a typewriter and we couldn't use
correct tape if we made a mistake; we had to start
all over. The margins had to be exact or once again,
we had to start over. It's a wonder any of us
ever graduated. What about cell phones? Our
grandchildren will never know what it's like
not to have one. We don't even need to wear a
watch because cell phones display time. Of course,
our grandchildren may not be able to tell time
looking at the face of a clock either. I'll admit
that I feel much safer in the car because of my
phone. I remember when I didn't have a microwave
and all cooking had to be done on the stove which
took a lot longer. I also remember not having a
dishwasher and my hands looked like prunes by the
time I finished washing dishes. It didn't matter
that I was allergic to the detergent; I had to
wash dishes anyway. My children have never lived
in a house with a clothes line in the back yard.
I hung so many clothes on the line that when I got
married, I opted for a clothes dryer rather
than a stove! The quality of music has certainly
come a long way when you think about records vs CD's.
Who wants to listen to scratches and other
background noise instead of clear, melodious music?
One of the greatest inventions for me is the timer.
I like walking into my house at night and the
lights are on or during Christmas, the yard lights
and the house lights all come on simultaneously.
Heaven forbid any having to get up off of the couch
to change a TV channel thanks to the remote. Yes,
technology has certainly made our lives easier and,
my dear, I'm sure you've bought stock in all of
the companies who have made it possible just so
you won't waste any energy moving about unnecessarily.
I'll bet you'll call a screeching halt to any
progressive movements which would condense three
meals a day into swallowing a pill.
Wait a minute...I really like that idea.
Think about all of the time we could save
if we didn't have to shop for groceries,
cook, clean up the kitchen, etc. See you
later...I'm going to research my idea of
pills vs meals.
He Said
I agree with a lot of the ideas of modernization
that you are speaking about. I do think our lives have
been made much easier with all of the new inventions
in our lifetime. I do like the cd's and the cell
phones and face book and electric lights. The one
thing we and our children do give up though is all
the good old traditions that made our lives entertaining.
Kids today go to their computers and computer
games instead of riding their bike or playing kick
the can. We use to talk for hours on the land line
phone and sometimes go to sleep talking to our friends
on the phone, and all for one small price. With the
cell phones we tell time, take pictures, video every
event. Things seem to be too easy. On top of all of
this you want me to give up my joy of food for a pill.
There goes Thanksgiving, Christmas dinners,
birthday cake, Easter lunch, and family picnics.
Who wants to go to the park, spread out a blanket
and take a pill? Life is changing, that's for sure.
I miss my typewriter, I miss my family and children
gathered on the front porch drinking lemonade and
eating a piece of pie, while chatting with the neighbors.
But with these modern times, I hardly know my
neighbors, we never have spontaneous get-togethers,
and as you are proposing, when we do meet up with them,
it will be at the pill buffet. Don't get me wrong I do
not want to go back to the old days, but I would
like to keep some traditions alive just for old time
sake. I never want to give up the taste of banana
pudding or lemon pie. I suppose we will have to
start new traditions like playing Wii or Guitar Hero,
but I am not going to like it. Fifty years from
now, if you are right, people will be talking about
food as a tradition, and what color pill do they
take today. I just thank God I was born in the
good old days. Call me traditional or nostalgic,
but remember to call me for breakfast, lunch,
or dinner while I can still taste the food.
She Said
Isn't technology wonderful?....when it works! I was
thinking about how much these “newfangled notions”
have changed our lives. Instead of typing and retyping
research papers, computers have taken the stress
out of deadlines when all we have to do is delete
and start again. The only day I missed in high school
was to type my term paper, over and over again.
Back then we used a typewriter and we couldn't use
correct tape if we made a mistake; we had to start
all over. The margins had to be exact or once again,
we had to start over. It's a wonder any of us
ever graduated. What about cell phones? Our
grandchildren will never know what it's like
not to have one. We don't even need to wear a
watch because cell phones display time. Of course,
our grandchildren may not be able to tell time
looking at the face of a clock either. I'll admit
that I feel much safer in the car because of my
phone. I remember when I didn't have a microwave
and all cooking had to be done on the stove which
took a lot longer. I also remember not having a
dishwasher and my hands looked like prunes by the
time I finished washing dishes. It didn't matter
that I was allergic to the detergent; I had to
wash dishes anyway. My children have never lived
in a house with a clothes line in the back yard.
I hung so many clothes on the line that when I got
married, I opted for a clothes dryer rather
than a stove! The quality of music has certainly
come a long way when you think about records vs CD's.
Who wants to listen to scratches and other
background noise instead of clear, melodious music?
One of the greatest inventions for me is the timer.
I like walking into my house at night and the
lights are on or during Christmas, the yard lights
and the house lights all come on simultaneously.
Heaven forbid any having to get up off of the couch
to change a TV channel thanks to the remote. Yes,
technology has certainly made our lives easier and,
my dear, I'm sure you've bought stock in all of
the companies who have made it possible just so
you won't waste any energy moving about unnecessarily.
I'll bet you'll call a screeching halt to any
progressive movements which would condense three
meals a day into swallowing a pill.
Wait a minute...I really like that idea.
Think about all of the time we could save
if we didn't have to shop for groceries,
cook, clean up the kitchen, etc. See you
later...I'm going to research my idea of
pills vs meals.
He Said
I agree with a lot of the ideas of modernization
that you are speaking about. I do think our lives have
been made much easier with all of the new inventions
in our lifetime. I do like the cd's and the cell
phones and face book and electric lights. The one
thing we and our children do give up though is all
the good old traditions that made our lives entertaining.
Kids today go to their computers and computer
games instead of riding their bike or playing kick
the can. We use to talk for hours on the land line
phone and sometimes go to sleep talking to our friends
on the phone, and all for one small price. With the
cell phones we tell time, take pictures, video every
event. Things seem to be too easy. On top of all of
this you want me to give up my joy of food for a pill.
There goes Thanksgiving, Christmas dinners,
birthday cake, Easter lunch, and family picnics.
Who wants to go to the park, spread out a blanket
and take a pill? Life is changing, that's for sure.
I miss my typewriter, I miss my family and children
gathered on the front porch drinking lemonade and
eating a piece of pie, while chatting with the neighbors.
But with these modern times, I hardly know my
neighbors, we never have spontaneous get-togethers,
and as you are proposing, when we do meet up with them,
it will be at the pill buffet. Don't get me wrong I do
not want to go back to the old days, but I would
like to keep some traditions alive just for old time
sake. I never want to give up the taste of banana
pudding or lemon pie. I suppose we will have to
start new traditions like playing Wii or Guitar Hero,
but I am not going to like it. Fifty years from
now, if you are right, people will be talking about
food as a tradition, and what color pill do they
take today. I just thank God I was born in the
good old days. Call me traditional or nostalgic,
but remember to call me for breakfast, lunch,
or dinner while I can still taste the food.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Larry's Christmas
– December 2010
She Said
Every year about September or October you start asking me
to put up the Christmas tree. Up until about 3 years ago,
I had always had a live tree, so it was hard to justify
putting up a live tree in October and having a dead tree
on Christmas morn. Since I have gotten a fake tree as
you now call it, it has given you reason to start whining
earlier than usual. I have seen Christmas decorations
all over town,including the stores where I went to pick
up my Halloween candies. It does not seem right to me to
have to walk through the Christmas section to to get to
the Halloween section. We have just about by passed
Thanksgiving all together and I am sure if we had to
buy something for labor day, we would have had to go
down the Christmas aisles to get to the labor presents.
When I take a walk around the neighborhood I am surprised
to see Christmas decorations already on the houses in
November and Christmas lights already turned on.
There are many reasons that this is not right. One
of course is a higher utility bill in November, and
second of all, I would be growing tired of Christmas
by December the first. Are we going to teach our
children that Christmas starts in November so that
they can teach their children to start in November.
By the second or third generation our great great
grandchildren will be celebrating Christmas in July.
I have noticed that some of the retail stores are
already having sales called Christmas in July. Is
this what the world is coming to. I surely hope not.
He Said
As you know I am a very opinionated person. Here
is my opinion about Christmas. I think that we
should celebrate Christmas all year long. We have
never been to Myrtle Beach when we did not go
into the Christmas store. It is always jam packed,
people are lined up at the counter to buy Christmas
ornaments in April, July, August and October. It
seems to me that people want Christmas all year
long but no one is brave enough to bring it up for
fear of people like you who are locked in a yearly pattern.
Well I am one of the future thinkers of America and
my new platform is to get Christmas in every
month. Think about it. Everyone would be more joyous
and happy every day. Having Christmas every month would
certainly help stimulate the economy with everyone
buying presents, going off to some exotic land to
celebrate the holiday, buying more food to have the
families over for Christmas dinner every month.
Think about all the new things we would be getting
as presents every month to make our lives more fulfilled.
Think about how happy all the children would be to be
getting presents every month. Think about how well the
children would behave everyday with parents threatening
to tell Santa if they were bad, or threatening them
with the idea each month that Santa is not coming
this month if you miss behave. I do believe I am on a
roll now and that this new idea of Christmas every
month in the year could be my ticket to fame. People
all over the world will be calling it Larry's Christmas
month. It will be named after me of course because I
thought of it. In the spirit of Christmas I do want to
thank you for giving me the inspiration for this thought
provoking idea.
Merry Christmas to all from Dena Hill and Larry Oldham –
She Said He Said
She Said
Every year about September or October you start asking me
to put up the Christmas tree. Up until about 3 years ago,
I had always had a live tree, so it was hard to justify
putting up a live tree in October and having a dead tree
on Christmas morn. Since I have gotten a fake tree as
you now call it, it has given you reason to start whining
earlier than usual. I have seen Christmas decorations
all over town,including the stores where I went to pick
up my Halloween candies. It does not seem right to me to
have to walk through the Christmas section to to get to
the Halloween section. We have just about by passed
Thanksgiving all together and I am sure if we had to
buy something for labor day, we would have had to go
down the Christmas aisles to get to the labor presents.
When I take a walk around the neighborhood I am surprised
to see Christmas decorations already on the houses in
November and Christmas lights already turned on.
There are many reasons that this is not right. One
of course is a higher utility bill in November, and
second of all, I would be growing tired of Christmas
by December the first. Are we going to teach our
children that Christmas starts in November so that
they can teach their children to start in November.
By the second or third generation our great great
grandchildren will be celebrating Christmas in July.
I have noticed that some of the retail stores are
already having sales called Christmas in July. Is
this what the world is coming to. I surely hope not.
He Said
As you know I am a very opinionated person. Here
is my opinion about Christmas. I think that we
should celebrate Christmas all year long. We have
never been to Myrtle Beach when we did not go
into the Christmas store. It is always jam packed,
people are lined up at the counter to buy Christmas
ornaments in April, July, August and October. It
seems to me that people want Christmas all year
long but no one is brave enough to bring it up for
fear of people like you who are locked in a yearly pattern.
Well I am one of the future thinkers of America and
my new platform is to get Christmas in every
month. Think about it. Everyone would be more joyous
and happy every day. Having Christmas every month would
certainly help stimulate the economy with everyone
buying presents, going off to some exotic land to
celebrate the holiday, buying more food to have the
families over for Christmas dinner every month.
Think about all the new things we would be getting
as presents every month to make our lives more fulfilled.
Think about how happy all the children would be to be
getting presents every month. Think about how well the
children would behave everyday with parents threatening
to tell Santa if they were bad, or threatening them
with the idea each month that Santa is not coming
this month if you miss behave. I do believe I am on a
roll now and that this new idea of Christmas every
month in the year could be my ticket to fame. People
all over the world will be calling it Larry's Christmas
month. It will be named after me of course because I
thought of it. In the spirit of Christmas I do want to
thank you for giving me the inspiration for this thought
provoking idea.
Merry Christmas to all from Dena Hill and Larry Oldham –
She Said He Said
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Food Fight
November 2010
She Said
We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either too cold or too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food. Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does. The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just chalk
it up to an off night and keep quiet. But not him,
in fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He expects impeccable
service, food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.
All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.
He Said
At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them. I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.
She Said
We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either too cold or too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food. Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does. The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just chalk
it up to an off night and keep quiet. But not him,
in fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He expects impeccable
service, food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.
All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.
He Said
At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them. I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.
The Laws of Driving
October 2010
She Said
It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.
He Said
I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.
She Said
It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.
He Said
I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Joys of Camping (not)
She Said
Well, summer is about over and we haven't been
camping yet. In fact, we haven't been camping
since we started dating. Why is that? I love
waking up to birds chirping and waves splashing
along the seashore. I used to fix dinner over
a camp fire and I guess it always tasted great
because it took so much effort to get everything
ready. Sometimes I would wrap a roast, potatoes,
carrots, etc. in heavy duty foil, dig a hole
and start a fire with coals. Then I would put
the package on coals, cover it up and go to
the beach. When I returned, dinner was ready.
For dessert, I would wrap biscuit dough around
a stick (shaved clean, of course) and hold it
over the fire until it was brown, pull the stick
out and fill it with jelly. Other campers would
often come and visit around the campfire until
bedtime. Of course, I had to camp next to the
bathhouse so I could have a hot shower and
electricity for my blow dryer and curling iron.
The campsite with the most amenities is at
Fort Wilderness in Disney World. There are
so many activities to do on that site, some
days we wouldn't even go to the Magic Kingdom
or Epcot. I didn't even mind camping in a tent
until my daughter was born and then there
seemed to be a lot of sand in the sleeping bags.
So we graduated to a camper and we could at least
sleep in beds. Then we decided it was too hot
so we traded that camper in for one with air
conditioning. Sleeping under the stars, breathing
fresh air, and listening to crickets sing us to
sleep was exhilerating. You just don't know
what you're missing. We have a friend at the
bank who would love to introduce you to camping...
why don't I call her and arrange a trip for all of us?
He Said
We have not been camping since we started dating
for all the reasons that you have just mentioned.
I'm not going to go through the whole litany of
suggestions that you are attempting to make .
You didn't mention one item in anything you wrote
that I could enjoy except the part about eating.
I have no desire to make a fire, cook out under
the stars, be outside with the mosquitoes and
chiggers, or visit with other people who are too
cheap to rent a hotel room. I would rather mooch
from my rich friends who owns condos in all the
places I enjoy visiting. The idea of having to eat
bread off of a stick just about makes me
nauseous thinking about it.
My idea of moving up from an un-air conditioned
camper to a camper with air conditioning is sort
of repulsive also. Sleeping under the stars,
listening to the crickets singing is not my idea
of living the good life and when I have to go to
the bathroom in the middle of the night, you are
suggesting that I do my business in front of all
those crickets, or go hunting and pecking for
an outside Johnny House that you and your friends
call a bathhouse. That toilet is more than
likely shared by many others who can't sleep
with all of the crickets howling. No I don't
think so. I will just continue to woo you with
eating out, going to plays, flying you to New York,
renting an expensive hotel or in my case mooching
off the generosity of my friends and when your
urge to go camping gets too strong, you can just
call your friends at the bank, and hitch a ride
with them.
Don't forget the bug spray and mosquito net.
I'll be in the condo if you need me.
Well, summer is about over and we haven't been
camping yet. In fact, we haven't been camping
since we started dating. Why is that? I love
waking up to birds chirping and waves splashing
along the seashore. I used to fix dinner over
a camp fire and I guess it always tasted great
because it took so much effort to get everything
ready. Sometimes I would wrap a roast, potatoes,
carrots, etc. in heavy duty foil, dig a hole
and start a fire with coals. Then I would put
the package on coals, cover it up and go to
the beach. When I returned, dinner was ready.
For dessert, I would wrap biscuit dough around
a stick (shaved clean, of course) and hold it
over the fire until it was brown, pull the stick
out and fill it with jelly. Other campers would
often come and visit around the campfire until
bedtime. Of course, I had to camp next to the
bathhouse so I could have a hot shower and
electricity for my blow dryer and curling iron.
The campsite with the most amenities is at
Fort Wilderness in Disney World. There are
so many activities to do on that site, some
days we wouldn't even go to the Magic Kingdom
or Epcot. I didn't even mind camping in a tent
until my daughter was born and then there
seemed to be a lot of sand in the sleeping bags.
So we graduated to a camper and we could at least
sleep in beds. Then we decided it was too hot
so we traded that camper in for one with air
conditioning. Sleeping under the stars, breathing
fresh air, and listening to crickets sing us to
sleep was exhilerating. You just don't know
what you're missing. We have a friend at the
bank who would love to introduce you to camping...
why don't I call her and arrange a trip for all of us?
He Said
We have not been camping since we started dating
for all the reasons that you have just mentioned.
I'm not going to go through the whole litany of
suggestions that you are attempting to make .
You didn't mention one item in anything you wrote
that I could enjoy except the part about eating.
I have no desire to make a fire, cook out under
the stars, be outside with the mosquitoes and
chiggers, or visit with other people who are too
cheap to rent a hotel room. I would rather mooch
from my rich friends who owns condos in all the
places I enjoy visiting. The idea of having to eat
bread off of a stick just about makes me
nauseous thinking about it.
My idea of moving up from an un-air conditioned
camper to a camper with air conditioning is sort
of repulsive also. Sleeping under the stars,
listening to the crickets singing is not my idea
of living the good life and when I have to go to
the bathroom in the middle of the night, you are
suggesting that I do my business in front of all
those crickets, or go hunting and pecking for
an outside Johnny House that you and your friends
call a bathhouse. That toilet is more than
likely shared by many others who can't sleep
with all of the crickets howling. No I don't
think so. I will just continue to woo you with
eating out, going to plays, flying you to New York,
renting an expensive hotel or in my case mooching
off the generosity of my friends and when your
urge to go camping gets too strong, you can just
call your friends at the bank, and hitch a ride
with them.
Don't forget the bug spray and mosquito net.
I'll be in the condo if you need me.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Through Women's Eyes
She Said He Said – August 2010 Evince Magazine
She Said
Many times you come to me telling me about something
you have read in some book or magazine about women
and how they should act or how they are acting.
At times you seem surprised about what
you have read. What it comes down to is that
men and women are different and we as women seem to
know that difference and you as men have not
got a single clue. You can read all you want
about the needs of a women and you even discuss
it at length but still go right on doing what
you have always done. Case in point. One article
told you that women want to cuddle, or women
want to tell you about the work day but are not
really looking for advice. We are not soliciting
your opinion and we are not looking for an answer
we just want to tell you about our day. Men cannot
always save the world or conquer an unknown conquest
with their ideas. I just want to share a story with
you with no feedback.
When you read these stories written about women
(more than likely by a man author), why not take
heed? Try some of their ideas. Think of ways that
would please your woman and make her happy
without always having to make it about you
(not that you would ever do that.) I seriously
think that I should start writing these women
articles for these men magazines and try and
make you and all the other men out there realize
that we just want the simple things in life.
A new house, a nice car, a beautiful yard, fine
furniture, some cute outfits, a nice size ring,
and a quiet type man not opinionated.
Is that asking too much?
He Said
I hear you loud and clear. Most of my men friends
could probably give you a list of things that they
would like to see in their women, and I am sure
there would be differences. I am not even going to
attempt to go there because I do not want to
offend you or upset you with my discourse.
Now back to the men's magazines. I think it is
very interesting that someone would sit down,
analyze what makes a woman tick and then write
it down for men of read. This last one was all
about the twenty some subtle hints that women
give you when they are interested. I know I am
not the brightest kid on the block, but I can
tell you without very much repudiation, that
I know the difference when I am being
shunned and when I am being courted.
There is a difference and it is not subtle.
I heard a female comment the other day from a
woman who told another woman “she put the bait
out there, but he just didn't bite”. Now what
does that mean in men terms and what does that
mean in women terms.
It is like you have your own game at capturing
the game. Now you know none of this pertains to you
because I know you as well as any man could know
you and I know you would never use your girly
charms to entice a man. You are a good cook though,
and you keep a clean house, and you are always
offering to do things for me unsolicited. Maybe
this is what the magazine meant by subtle ways to
know she is interested. Maybe all this time you
have been using your female charms to get me. Well
I can tell you right now that it worked.
I have bought it hook, line and sinker. Those
are fishing terms I think.
Is that what the magazine means by being subtle?
She Said
Many times you come to me telling me about something
you have read in some book or magazine about women
and how they should act or how they are acting.
At times you seem surprised about what
you have read. What it comes down to is that
men and women are different and we as women seem to
know that difference and you as men have not
got a single clue. You can read all you want
about the needs of a women and you even discuss
it at length but still go right on doing what
you have always done. Case in point. One article
told you that women want to cuddle, or women
want to tell you about the work day but are not
really looking for advice. We are not soliciting
your opinion and we are not looking for an answer
we just want to tell you about our day. Men cannot
always save the world or conquer an unknown conquest
with their ideas. I just want to share a story with
you with no feedback.
When you read these stories written about women
(more than likely by a man author), why not take
heed? Try some of their ideas. Think of ways that
would please your woman and make her happy
without always having to make it about you
(not that you would ever do that.) I seriously
think that I should start writing these women
articles for these men magazines and try and
make you and all the other men out there realize
that we just want the simple things in life.
A new house, a nice car, a beautiful yard, fine
furniture, some cute outfits, a nice size ring,
and a quiet type man not opinionated.
Is that asking too much?
He Said
I hear you loud and clear. Most of my men friends
could probably give you a list of things that they
would like to see in their women, and I am sure
there would be differences. I am not even going to
attempt to go there because I do not want to
offend you or upset you with my discourse.
Now back to the men's magazines. I think it is
very interesting that someone would sit down,
analyze what makes a woman tick and then write
it down for men of read. This last one was all
about the twenty some subtle hints that women
give you when they are interested. I know I am
not the brightest kid on the block, but I can
tell you without very much repudiation, that
I know the difference when I am being
shunned and when I am being courted.
There is a difference and it is not subtle.
I heard a female comment the other day from a
woman who told another woman “she put the bait
out there, but he just didn't bite”. Now what
does that mean in men terms and what does that
mean in women terms.
It is like you have your own game at capturing
the game. Now you know none of this pertains to you
because I know you as well as any man could know
you and I know you would never use your girly
charms to entice a man. You are a good cook though,
and you keep a clean house, and you are always
offering to do things for me unsolicited. Maybe
this is what the magazine meant by subtle ways to
know she is interested. Maybe all this time you
have been using your female charms to get me. Well
I can tell you right now that it worked.
I have bought it hook, line and sinker. Those
are fishing terms I think.
Is that what the magazine means by being subtle?
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