EGO - centric

She Said

According to the dictionary, ego is defined as an
exaggerated sense of self-importance, conceit. I
seem to attract men who have more than their fair
share. (Not you, of course, honey). I came along
during a time when many females were taught to pump
up the male ego in order to build his self-confidence
and self-esteem. There were little tidbits of
support that were intended to be subliminal and
ultimately had a positive outcome.

For example, if my significant other nonchalantly
said to an acquaintance, "Let's do lunch", I made
sure he followed up with a phone call. Otherwise,
lunch would have been an empty invitation. Maybe
the answer to protecting the fragile male ego is
to keep quiet during a controversial conversation
and then act responsibly to solve the issue even
if it's at a later date.

Remember the phrase "behind every man stands a
good woman"? Where is the good man who is standing
behind the woman? Oh yes, now I remember...it's
Bill Clinton standing behind Hilary. But we all
know why he has to support her. So here's to your
ego, darling. You are The Man! You have more
charisma than any other male on the universe.
You are a wonderful provider, a top notch fix-it
man, master gardener, excellent chef, terrific
household organizer and most of all, you are my
very best friend.

He Said

Now I think that the whole wide world knows why
I married you. I think most of the world already
knew about my finer qualities, but I don't think
that it hurts for you to remind them occasionally.
I can truly say that this is one of those times
when you and I are in complete agreement.

You see, women do not have egos. Women are born
with beauty, grace, understanding, patience, and
charm (not you, of course, dear). Just kidding.
I do agree that women of distinction are the backbone
of many men. More than likely if the truth be known,
most women are the major reason for men's success.
Not many men would admit it because we are vain.
We think so highly of ourselves that we don't always
stop to think of the reason we reached the point
where we stand.

We don't give you girls enough credit for helping
us reach our highest goals. I am ready to give you
all the credit for making me a great provider, a
top notch fix-it man, a master gardener, an excellent
chef and a terrific organizer. I would like to give
you credit for making me cute, but I have to give
that to my mother and father. I would like to give
you credit for making me more spiritual, but I
have to give that to my church. I would like to
give you credit for making me smart, but I have
to give that to myself for reading and teaching
myself all that I have learned. I would like to
give you credit for making me a good parent, but
I have to give that to my parents from whom I
was taught. I will give you all the credit for
giving me such a high exaggerated sense of
self-importance though because without you beside me,
I would just be another drip in the droplets of
life. Thank you for making me the man I am
today.....your egocentric best friend.

Sleepwalking

She Said

Am I missing something in the middle of the night?
Where do you go around 2:00 am? We usually go to bed
at 10ish and I have to have the TV on with the timer
set to drown out the ringing in my ears. But sometimes
when I roll over, you've gone missing! Then I can't
get back to sleep because the quietness in the house
is deafening. If I had the energy, I'd get up and go
looking for you. Are you bored or are you and Sophie
having a party without me? There must be something
more exhilarating than sleeping but I can't imagine
a novel or even Facebook interrupting my dreams in
the middle of the night. Even if you can't sleep,
why not just stay in bed and rest? Health experts
have said that you can extend your life if you
balance it with adequate amounts of sleep and exercise.
I guess we could go for a walk or utilize the
eliptical or Bowflex in the basement to combat
your boredom. As a sideline, it would improve your
health. The funny thing is that when my kids were
babies, they would sometimes get days and nights
mixed up but I didn't expect that to happen to you.
We need to get our internal clocks synchronized so
we go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time.
Isn't that what married folks are supposed to do?



He Said

Since I was a a teenager I only have slept four hours
a night. When I get up at two after going to bed at
ten , I am wide awake. If I stay in the bed I will
just get a headache, so I get up and read. Sometimes
I write and sometimes I go wake Sophie (the poodle)
and make her play with me. So in a way I guess you
can say that Sophie and I are partying. I get the
feeling you would like for me to come wake you up
so you can join us. I've asked Sophie and she says
no, she needs some alone time with just me. After
all, you do exercise with her daily and walk her
every night. I do enjoy the quietness of the night.
Reading is exhilarating for me and I know that is hard
for you to comprehend because you read all day while
I am hard at work. Night time is the only time I have
to read.
Health experts tell you many things, don't drink
too many soda's, wash your hands one hundred times
a day, eat only green and yellow foods, don't eat
anything white, because the carbs will kill you.
As far as my sleep syndrome goes, those health
gurus have not walked in my shoes. I would say the
average person does need eight hours of sleep. It
can also be said that I am not your average person.
You might have said that yourself on occasion.
I am going to buy a dummy doll to put beside you
when I get up at night. That way if you wake up just
hug the doll. As for your comment that I am bored,
believe you me with all these new rules I am having
to memorize since getting married, I don't have a
lot of extra time to do anything, especially to be bored.

Memories of Love

She Said

Because the color this month is red, red, red and there
are Valentines galore, I thought I would take a trip down
memory lane about the number of years we've known each
other since that road led to the altar on Christmas Eve.

We met when I was 16 and you were 17. We were both in
a new school in Greensboro and each of us had a significant
other. We graduated the next year and went our separate
ways until 13 years later, when we ran into each other
in a restaurant with our respective spouses and children.

You and I decided to take on the task of organizing a
reunion. We called everyone we knew to begin the process.

From that day on, the reunions took place every five
years and our two families would sometimes get together
in-between. For me, 1995, and for you, 1998, found
both of us single once again. We had our first date a
year after that and you got a real deal: two for the
price of one.

My two older children were in college but I had a
nine-year-old still with me. We tried long-distance
dating for over a year and then I decided to move to
Danville ...no obligations, I told you. Several
months later, you proposed.

Now, with my youngest son graduating from UVA on May 22
and getting married a week later, I'm feeling pangs of
an empty nest syndrome. My oldest son is getting married
October 8 and it seems like a mass exodus in my family.  

But wait...we have Sophie...so you still get to buy one,
get one free. She's no trouble at all...except last week
when she was fired by the groomer. They said she was
too active and after more than five years of grooming
her, they told me not to bring her back. I've been frantically
looking for the right person to take her on and last night
you told me that you found someone on facebook who volunteered
to tackle her. What if they do a background check? We're sunk!




He Said

The good thing is you didn't have to do a background check
on me because you grew up with me. One of the best things
about marrying your best friend is that there are no surprises.
In spite of knowing me so well, you still married me.
I think you summed up our life together pretty well. 
However, you left out the most important part of all: the
way we met, the words that were said, and the closeness we
felt as friends over the last 46 years.

You also forgot to mention, because you aren't vain, the
fact that you were voted the most beautiful girl in our
high school, that you thought I was in a gang, and
that you knew I had a reputation as being the class clown.
All of these facts meant that although we were in school
together, I had no shot at taking you out on a date. Yes,
we did have significant others at the time; however, if
we had been single, I still don't believe you would have
gone out with me. I only weighed 116 in school, was
not considered handsome, was not popular, did not run
in the right groups, smoked, was not on any sports team,
and was constantly being called to the office for some
infraction.

In high school I didn't even know the word infraction
much less how to spell it; but whatever it was, I kept
doing it. Thanks for being my guiding light. You also
forgot to mention that you tutored me my last year of
school to help me pass my English exam so I could graduate
with the rest of our class. You forgot to mention how
helpful you were to all the other classmates and how popular
you were in school. When we are congratulated for our
marriage, our classmates have replied: "way to go Larry for
marrying the most beautiful girl in high school" or
"condolences for Dena for marrying the biggest cut-up in school'.
Either way I consider myself to be the luckiest man on
the universe, and yes, I accept the fact that you come with
baggage.

I just never expected it to have four legs, bark constantly,
and be a creature that steals time with you from me. I guess
I should have done a background check on your obsession with
dogs. No matter though, I still would have married you.

I love you and Happy Valentine's Day.

Great Traditions or Nostalgic Memories

She Said He Said Evince Magazine January 2011 Issue

She Said

Isn't technology wonderful?....when it works! I was
thinking about how much these “newfangled notions”
have changed our lives. Instead of typing and retyping
research papers, computers have taken the stress
out of deadlines when all we have to do is delete
and start again. The only day I missed in high school
was to type my term paper, over and over again.
Back then we used a typewriter and we couldn't use
correct tape if we made a mistake; we had to start
all over. The margins had to be exact or once again,
we had to start over. It's a wonder any of us
ever graduated. What about cell phones? Our
grandchildren will never know what it's like
not to have one. We don't even need to wear a
watch because cell phones display time. Of course,
our grandchildren may not be able to tell time
looking at the face of a clock either. I'll admit
that I feel much safer in the car because of my
phone. I remember when I didn't have a microwave
and all cooking had to be done on the stove which
took a lot longer. I also remember not having a
dishwasher and my hands looked like prunes by the
time I finished washing dishes. It didn't matter
that I was allergic to the detergent; I had to
wash dishes anyway. My children have never lived
in a house with a clothes line in the back yard.
I hung so many clothes on the line that when I got
married, I opted for a clothes dryer rather
than a stove! The quality of music has certainly
come a long way when you think about records vs CD's.
Who wants to listen to scratches and other
background noise instead of clear, melodious music?
One of the greatest inventions for me is the timer.
I like walking into my house at night and the
lights are on or during Christmas, the yard lights
and the house lights all come on simultaneously.
Heaven forbid any having to get up off of the couch
to change a TV channel thanks to the remote. Yes,
technology has certainly made our lives easier and,
my dear, I'm sure you've bought stock in all of
the companies who have made it possible just so
you won't waste any energy moving about unnecessarily.
I'll bet you'll call a screeching halt to any
progressive movements which would condense three
meals a day into swallowing a pill.
Wait a minute...I really like that idea.
Think about all of the time we could save
if we didn't have to shop for groceries,
cook, clean up the kitchen, etc. See you
later...I'm going to research my idea of
pills vs meals.

He Said

I agree with a lot of the ideas of modernization
that you are speaking about. I do think our lives have
been made much easier with all of the new inventions
in our lifetime. I do like the cd's and the cell
phones and face book and electric lights. The one
thing we and our children do give up though is all
the good old traditions that made our lives entertaining.
Kids today go to their computers and computer
games instead of riding their bike or playing kick
the can. We use to talk for hours on the land line
phone and sometimes go to sleep talking to our friends
on the phone, and all for one small price. With the
cell phones we tell time, take pictures, video every
event. Things seem to be too easy. On top of all of
this you want me to give up my joy of food for a pill.
There goes Thanksgiving, Christmas dinners,
birthday cake, Easter lunch, and family picnics.
Who wants to go to the park, spread out a blanket
and take a pill? Life is changing, that's for sure.
I miss my typewriter, I miss my family and children
gathered on the front porch drinking lemonade and
eating a piece of pie, while chatting with the neighbors.
But with these modern times, I hardly know my
neighbors, we never have spontaneous get-togethers,
and as you are proposing, when we do meet up with them,
it will be at the pill buffet. Don't get me wrong I do
not want to go back to the old days, but I would
like to keep some traditions alive just for old time
sake. I never want to give up the taste of banana
pudding or lemon pie. I suppose we will have to
start new traditions like playing Wii or Guitar Hero,
but I am not going to like it. Fifty years from
now, if you are right, people will be talking about
food as a tradition, and what color pill do they
take today. I just thank God I was born in the
good old days. Call me traditional or nostalgic,
but remember to call me for breakfast, lunch,
or dinner while I can still taste the food.

Larry's Christmas

– December 2010

She Said

Every year about September or October you start asking me
to put up the Christmas tree. Up until about 3 years ago,
I had always had a live tree, so it was hard to justify
putting up a live tree in October and having a dead tree
on Christmas morn. Since I have gotten a fake tree as
you now call it, it has given you reason to start whining
earlier than usual. I have seen Christmas decorations
all over town,including the stores where I went to pick
up my Halloween candies. It does not seem right to me to
have to walk through the Christmas section to to get to
the Halloween section. We have just about by passed
Thanksgiving all together and I am sure if we had to
buy something for labor day, we would have had to go
down the Christmas aisles to get to the labor presents.
When I take a walk around the neighborhood I am surprised
to see Christmas decorations already on the houses in
November and Christmas lights already turned on.
There are many reasons that this is not right. One
of course is a higher utility bill in November, and
second of all, I would be growing tired of Christmas
by December the first. Are we going to teach our
children that Christmas starts in November so that
they can teach their children to start in November.
By the second or third generation our great great
grandchildren will be celebrating Christmas in July.
I have noticed that some of the retail stores are
already having sales called Christmas in July. Is
this what the world is coming to. I surely hope not.


He Said

As you know I am a very opinionated person. Here
is my opinion about Christmas. I think that we
should celebrate Christmas all year long. We have
never been to Myrtle Beach when we did not go
into the Christmas store. It is always jam packed,
people are lined up at the counter to buy Christmas
ornaments in April, July, August and October. It
seems to me that people want Christmas all year
long but no one is brave enough to bring it up for
fear of people like you who are locked in a yearly pattern.
Well I am one of the future thinkers of America and
my new platform is to get Christmas in every
month. Think about it. Everyone would be more joyous
and happy every day. Having Christmas every month would
certainly help stimulate the economy with everyone
buying presents, going off to some exotic land to
celebrate the holiday, buying more food to have the
families over for Christmas dinner every month.
Think about all the new things we would be getting
as presents every month to make our lives more fulfilled.
Think about how happy all the children would be to be
getting presents every month. Think about how well the
children would behave everyday with parents threatening
to tell Santa if they were bad, or threatening them
with the idea each month that Santa is not coming
this month if you miss behave. I do believe I am on a
roll now and that this new idea of Christmas every
month in the year could be my ticket to fame. People
all over the world will be calling it Larry's Christmas
month. It will be named after me of course because I
thought of it. In the spirit of Christmas I do want to
thank you for giving me the inspiration for this thought
provoking idea.

Merry Christmas to all from Dena Hill and Larry Oldham –

She Said He Said

Food Fight

November 2010


She Said

We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We　ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either　too cold or 　too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food.　Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've　seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does.　The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just　chalk
it up to　an off night and keep quiet.　But not him,
in　fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He　expects impeccable
service,　 food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.

All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.


　　

He Said

At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them.　 I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.

The Laws of Driving

October 2010

She Said

It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.


He Said

I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.