Marriage and the Art of Backing Up -January 2012

She Said

It's a brand new year and a time to look forward to all
of the wonderful possibilities life has to offer; but I
want to take a brief look backward, literally.
At least that's what the highway patrolman told me when
I was sixteen years old and taking my driving road test.
I didn't see anywhere in the manual where there was a specific
time that a driver HAD to look backward when the car was moving
in reverse. I've learned since then that it's any time the car
is backing up. He had the audacity to tell me that I turned
around before I stopped the car completely. Of course I did,
my neck was tired.
And then as we traveled further down the road, there happened
to be a railroad crossing. I heard the train and I saw the track
but it didn't really click in my mind that I should stop until
the last minute.
Fortunately, I managed to come to a smooth stop without slamming
on brakes and ejecting my very important passenger. With his hand
on the door handle, he said "Whew! I didn't think you saw the sign
or heard the train coming". I assured him that I was in control.
When a very nervous blue uniformed guardian of the people got back
to the highway patrol station, he solemnly handed me my license
but also told me that he hoped my parents wouldn't let me drive.
I've always believed that people learn a lot during a testing
situation and I never forgot those two traffic rules. Now, here
is one of those rare times when I have to pay you a huge
compliment...I'm always impressed when I see you back a car,
truck, or bus in reverse. (Except, when you backed a U-Haul
truck into the corner of my house) You don't turn around;
you're adept at using mirrors and do it perfectly. You never
turn around when you're backing out of the driveway or a parking
space.I guess that comes with such rigid training for driving
a school bus when you were 16 years old.
I can tell you right now that the state of Virginia would
probably pay me NOT to drive a bus because when I turn around
and see 50 pairs of eyes staring frantically at me when I'm
trying to back up, I might just park that yellow monster and
walk the students home.





He Said

Thank you for the compliment and you're right... I have never
had a problem backing up. I can't say that about moving forward
though when it comes to driving. The day I turned sixteen and
got my license I went to see a friend so that we could go for
a ride in my parents' car. He wasn't at home and I had pulled
in his driveway. So as I backed out, I hit the car parked across
the street at his neighbors house. I proceeded to leave the
scene of the crime and drive back home. There was no damage,
thankfully, but I had learned lesson. Yes, I had my drivers
license but that didn't make me a good driver. Sort of like
marriage, I guess. You have a marriage license but that doesn't
mean you know how to have a good marriage.
So as you reflect back about your driving skills or lack of
knowledge about how to back up, I will reflect on our first year
of marriage and how it has flown by. Both of your sons were
married, one in Chapel Hill and one in Charlotte. Thank God
for your daughter's help or we would never had made it through
their weddings and definitely not through our own.
You even survived your youngest sons' commissioning in the Navy
without too many tears.
We got though the year after hitting a deer on the highway late at
night and being stranded while waiting for a tow truck. We got
through Halloween for the first time in thirteen years of not
giving out candy because we were out of town.We got through the
year without gaining too much weight. So all in all we both moved
forward without backing up and we made it through our first year
of marriage.
Amazingly we are still married and even though we don't
have a monster yellow bus, we do have two cars that prevent us
from having to walk, even though one of them still has deer
tracks on it.

Happy New Year Darling.

Christmas Forgiveness - December 2011

She Said He Said December Evince Magazine.2011 Christmas Forgiveness

She Said

December is here and the house is filled with laughter, Christmas
music, a beautiful tree, and decorations both inside and outside.
I would like to say that there was joy in putting all of this
together and that we shared those special moments of bliss. I
would like to say that, but I can't. The priority scale in your
life and the priority scale in my life are miles apart. I mean
I love you and all that mushy stuff, but what does it take to
get a man to help around the house? Who said it was the woman's
responsibility to keep the house in order or, in this case, do
all of the decorating? I don't have the space here to name all
of the things that I do and all of the things that you don't do.
Is this just a man thing? I would think that at Christmas time
you would want to put forth a little extra effort to impress me
so that just maybe you would find a little something extra under
the tree.
When I couldn't get a string of lights to work, I changed the
fuses while you drank egg nog and ate cookies. When I connected
the "runway" in the front yard, instead of you helping me with
all of the lights, your back conveniently ached. When I began
wrapping gifts for your family,all I saw of you was your backside
running out the door. I am not asking you to prepare a meal
or make the bed, but I've told you before that picking up your
socks won't give you a hernia. Once when I asked you to empty the
garbage, you said you didn't know it was garbage day. Here's a news
flash: garbage pickup is on Thursdays...EVERY Thursday not just
once a year. An added note: if you'll be a good little boy, you
might just find a little something special under the tree this
year...that you onceagain did not help decorate.

He Said

Christmas is a time for forgiveness. We should all learn to love
one another, especially at this time of year. We should work harder
to please each other because we are in love. You and I, still being
on our honeymoon, should work harder to make each other happy. For
this reason I'm going to forgive you for being so negative during
the holidays. This is a time of reflection about all of the good
in our lives, and how we should be helping others less fortunate.
This is a time to look upon each other as soul mates and true friends
forevermore. Why you want to dwell on the negative aspects of life
and bring all of us down into this dreary pit escapes me at this moment.
You don't hear me picking on all your bad traits. I am trying to bring
harmony and peace into the home. You are trying to bring fireworks
and the idea that I would stoop so low as to try an earn your love and
affection with fake cleaning, and pretending to put decorations on the
tree, or scooping up the garbage cans to prove some type of point.
Why would I want to win favors with you only to get presents? That
just isn't me. I will continue to live my life making you happy and
filling your days with pleasure all year long. I want you to know that
I forgive you for trying to make me feel bad, especially during this
holiday season. I hope everyone out there has seen the follies of your
suggestions and will disregard and forgive you of your shortcomings.
I want you to know that I willbuy you a present this year without any
strings attached, because that's just the kind of man I am.

Merry Christmas to you darling, I forgive you.

The Art of Aging Gracefully

She Said

You taught a Sunday School lesson last month about the aging
process as described in Ecclesiastes and how true it is today
since you have now reached the magical age of 65. Instead
of groaning every time you stand up or sit down, you could
do some flexibility exercises to loosen up your creaky bones.
I am firmly convinced that by eating healthier food and
exercising daily, you could eventually eliminate blood pressure
medication. Instead of driving along beside me while I walk,
you could don a pair of tennis shoes and join me.
When you drop something, instead of pretending you don't see it,
bend over and pick it up. Of course you need to learn how to
bend over and stretch those old hamstrings. You told me the
other day that you noticed a difference in the volume of your
voice as you are getting older. You enjoy talking so much...do
you think you've used it all up? What about your hearing?
Recently at Charles and Kimberly's wedding, you missed an
entire conversation AND IT WAS ABOUT YOU! You just smiled
and nodded your head. I don't mind your gray hair because you
look more distinguished than you did when we were 16 years old.
But as long as they keep putting hair color in bottles, I'll
never be gray. Obviously we all share similarities and changes
as we grow older. We're not as agile as we once were and it
takes us longer to make decisions (for example, in a restaurant
tonight you couldn't make up your mind about what to order!)
but we're stumbling merrily along and frustrating the younger
generation waiting on us. During this month of Thanksgiving,
I'm just thankful that we're living with only the afflictions
we have, and that we can laugh about it together.

He Said

Let's look at the big picture, shall we? My mother had nine
brothers and sisters. Her mother lived to be 90. My mother is
presently 84 and my Dad is 90. My cardiologist told me that I
have great genes and every six months when I visit him, he
says the same thing: "whatever you're doing, keep it up because
it is really working for you." My father had never done
flexibility exercises. My mother has never eaten healthy food
or exercised daily. All of my aunts and uncles who lived to
be in their late 80's and 90's never ate tofu and salads instead
of a real meal. I take that back. The one uncle who rode his
bike every day and ate healthy food along with exercising,
died in his 70's. So I would say that in my family, we have
the propensity to eat what we want without exercising and live
to a ripe old age. If we don't, as my uncle's life can attest
to, we might die early. I hear what you're saying and I appreciate
very much your concern about my health. Saying that, I would
like to remind you that you could have spoken in positive terms
as easily. You could have mentioned that I lost 13 pounds last
month. You could have mentioned that I took a day off last
month to help you set up the rehearsal dinner in Charlotte at
your son's wedding.You could have mentioned that I stood around
patiently while you gossiped with all of your relatives and
friends from a previous life without one complaint. But since
you didn't see it that way, I guess my only solution would be to
trade you in on another model. No, not cuter, not younger but
maybe a newer model who recognizes all of my attributes that
other women adore. OK...maybe they don't exist but since it is
so close to Christmas, a person can wish, can't he?

Mr Speeder (not Mr. Speedo)

She Said He Said Evince Oct. 2011

She Said

You come home from work looking all dejected, sad eyed,
and looking like you lost your best friend.
I figured you got fired or someone had upset your
fragile ego.(haha). When I ask what was wrong you
proceeded to tell me that you had gotten a speeding
ticket. I do not want to be the one that says to you
that I told you so, but I really could have said those
words right then. I know that as a man, as all men do,
you feel that your ability to drive and drive well
exceeds the hopes of most people in the world,
especially women. How many times have I told you to
slow down or there is a policeman, you better be
careful. Many times on the highway your excuse is
well everyone around me is speeding so why shouldn't I?
Why can't you be more like your father when he was
driving. He always did fifty five on the highway and
thirty five in town. To my knowledge your father or
your mother never got a speeding ticket so why should
you? We do not get there any faster when you pass a
car, speed ahead , only to get behind someone who
is doing the speed limit and you are forced to slow
down to the speed limit because of them. Maybe this
ticket that you have to pay for one hundred and sixty
two dollars will finally slow you down. I can tell
you that ticket cost is not in our budget this month,
and you are not going to take the money out of my
food money, so you better get out the old lawnmower
and start mowing the neighbors grass to pick up a
few coins to pay your speeding ticket.

He Said

I am not going to say that I was caught in a speed
trap, but even the nice officer said the speed limit
use to be thirty five , but had been changed to twenty
five recently. I was doing thirty eight according to
him in a twenty five mile an hour zone. If you take
into account that it use to be thirty five , then I
was only three miles over the speed limit. Either way
I was speeding, I accept that fact, and my fate is
that I must pay the speeding ticket. I can take that
because I believe in standing up for what is proper
and right. I was speeding , I admit it but don't you
think I should have been cut some slack because I
thought it was a thirty five MPH zone? You probably
don't and neither did the nice policeman. I did not
offer him a bribe , I just ask how long it had been
since they changed it. He did not answer but he did
tell me he was there to capture felons like myself
that were a nuisance to the neighborhood. I ask him
if he was sure it was me because there were other
cars on the road , and he told me radar doesn't lie.
I said does it ever make a mistake and he put his
hands on his handcuffs and I instantly shut-up. I
think getting the ticket in reality was a good thing
for two reasons. The first and main one is that it
has made me more aware of the speed limit signs on
every street and made me slow down. The other reason
is that it showed me that once and a while you can
be right. For that reason I was wondering if we might
have some discussion about my getting a loan from the
food jar money?

Talking Too Much

She Said Evince Magazine September 2011

She Said

When I moved to Danville to be with you one of my concerns
was the fact that I would be moving to a place where I knew
no one and no one knew me. You had already established many
friendships since moving here and it concerned me that we
would be with your friends and I would be left alone.
You have done a fairly good job of introducing me to your
friends and when we are out and in the city and people come
up and talk you always introduce me(if you can remember
their names). I know we both get a lot of people coming up
to us and mentioning the column and some we know and others
we don't. The reason for all of this information is that you
seem to be worse when we go out about leaving
me and going from table to table to talk or shake someone's
hand. I am not a jealous person but standing around waiting
for you to leave a restaurant or a store can be pretty boring
after a while. The other night as we were leaving a restaurant
I was embarrassed, not only for me , but for the other two
couples that were with us. While you strolled through the
restaurant shaking hands, telling your wild tales, and looking
like you were running for office, I did not know how to
explain to our friends that this is a common occurrence and
I just usually wait for you to run your course. They did not
seem dismayed and sort of laughed it off as ,well this is just
Larry. All I am asking is that you be more considerate of me,
but more importantly, be considerate of our friends that we
are dining with. I hope you will take this as constructive
criticism instead of turning it around and making it about
me as you usually do.

He Said

You know what they say about the grass always looking greener
on the other side? Good, because this is nothing about that.
I guess in a round about way you are right. It was very
unthoughtful of me to do this with you or our friends. In
my defense, you married me for better or worse.
The argument could be made, was this the better or the worse.
For the better I was cementing my and or your relationships
with everyone that I spoke to. Many of our friends and
business people were in that restaurant that night and I
felt obligated and also wanted to speak to each and every
one. Once you have spoken to one person if you don't speak
to the others they might think I was avoiding them or was
upset with them for some reason. This is not to take away
from the fact that I genuinely wanted to speak to each and
every one of them and I also wanted to speak to the Chef
to let him know that we enjoyed our meal. For the worse end
of the deal, I did leave you to entertain our friends and
left them out on the sidewalk waiting to say goodbye and
that was not fair to you or to them and for that I apologize.
Hopefully they will read the column and see how sincere
and apologetic I am to do this in public. I guess I should
have been a politician instead of a guru of marketing in
our town. Maybe this will get me on the right track of
where my life should be going. I saw in the paper that
the city is looking for a dog catcher, although that is
probably not the politically correct name, maybe I
could apply for that opening...then I can be known as
the guru of pets. I would also be hated for picking up
wandering pets of our friends ,then no one would speak
to us in restaurants and we would have no friends and
people would boo us as we left the restaurant. Is this
really what you want?

Moving In Together

She Said He Said Evince Magazine – August 2011 – Larry Oldham Dena Hill – Moving in Together

She Said

Getting married is truly an exciting time. Seeing my son
and his new wife gathering furniture, opening
wedding gifts, deciding where to arrange everything in
their apartment, hanging pictures and draperies, cooking
for each other, and touching each time they pass each
other in the kitchen brings back many fond memories of
when I was a newlywed. I'm not saying that you and I have
not shared the same good times and feelings, it is just
that marrying at an older age, brings on a lot of baggage.
I mean that literally not figuratively. In your case it
means a whole house full of baggage. This is not a
condemnation of you or your "stuff." When you close
down one house and move into another house there are
going to be issues. However, not many people have to
worry about where they are going to put eight thousand
books, or three thousand magazines, or four thousand
videos or one thousand collectible cars. Usually
it's just a few pieces of furniture, a couple of bookcases,
and your clothes. These are normal moving items when
you get married and move in with each other. I am not
against your collections and madness for keeping everything
you have ever owned, I just don't know where to put it.
I have wracked my brain about this and the only solution that
I can come up with is to buy a new house with a basement
and a attic. This way I don't have to actually live like
a "hoarder" and you can have a place to store your junk,
I mean collectibles in one area. We can have our cake
and eat it too; that is, if I can clear a path to the oven.

He Said

The beauty of being married again is having someone to
take care of me, to watch out for me, and to make
sure that my life is filled with nothing but sunshine.
I probably could have thought of buying a new house
on my own as a solution to my problem. The only bad
thing about that is that I don't recognize all of my
great collectibles as a problem. I think that since
you don't see how practical it would be to open a
museum after I have passed, that just have to persuade
you to enjoy some of my greatest treasures now.
Have you ever seen one of the earliest Polaroid Cameras?
Have you seen the first newspaper article about the
Sputnik Space Dog in 1957? Have you experienced the
first Beta movies and reel to reel taped music?
I didn't think so. You need to concentrate on making
room in your house for all of this good stuff. You don't
really need three bedrooms to sleep in, you don't need
all that basement area for old miscellaneous stuff from
your past, the dog doesn't need that whole room to
prance around in.
I am just saying that if we take all of my treasures
out of the storage place and lay them all out in your
house, you will grow to appreciate them and treasure
them just as I do. All of your furniture and knickknacks
from all over the world could be put in my storage
place and you would have a brand new house of important
things to look at. People from all over the world would
come to our house just to see our unique furnishings,
even if we had to sit on boxes instead of the sofa.
It would be like having the museum now instead of
waiting for me to die.
This is our golden opportunity. I told you marrying
me would bring importance into your life.

Choices -My Way or My Way

She Said He Said Evince July 2011
Larry Oldham and Dena Hill

She Said

You can know a person for many years and never
REALLY know them. This is not a profound
statement, just a fact. Last month in Virginia Beach,
while visiting my father, I discovered something
quite by accident that I never realized before.
There is a another way of working you in order to
get my way, I mean for us to agree. We awakened bright
and early on that beautiful Saturday morning and I
asked you to go for a walk around the neighborhood
with me. I carefully avoided the “exercise” word
because of your well-known aversion to physical activity
of any kind. I just mentioned that there may
be a yard sale in the community so why don't we take a
stroll and see if we can find it.

Your propensity for shopping has always made it easy for
me to get you to go anywhere where there is
a chance for you to buy something, so Saturday was fairly easy.

Sunday was the hard day because there were no yard sales
to be found. My question to you on Sunday was simple. I said,
“Do you want to go for a walk or stay in bed?” You just
looked up at me and said “I think I'll just stay here in bed.”
What a revelation! From now on instead of asking you to
do something, I'll just give you a choice. “Do you want to
wash the car or take out the garbage?” “Do you want to make
up the bed or paint the bedroom?” Do you want to go down
stairs and work out or stay upstairs and clean the bathroom?”
If I ask the right question, I'll know that either answer will
work for me. Why didn't I see this before? Life with you
would have been so much easier. “Am I right or am I right?”

He Said

As usual you are right. Come to think about it, you are
always right...in your own mind that is. Listen, I know that
I am not as active as you are. I don't know anyone in this
town, state, or anywhere in the country who is as active as
you are. Keeping that in mind, let's look at your brand new
premise.

A new trick in the woman's arsenal of tricks against us
little old defenseless men. I think women in
general have many weapons that they use against us.
Women have been using this one for years; you just
never thought about using it before. I imagine if the truth
were known, I could do everything that you can do except
have a baby. Oh yeah and breast feed. I also forgot that
women have a very natural inclination toward maternal
instincts. Nurturing children could also be considered an
attribute,although men are getting better at this.
All in all, you women do have some creature comforts that men
would have a hard time doing without on a daily basis.
Putting all that aside, let's get to the main point
of our discussion. To trick me or to trick me was the question.
In my way of thinking you don't have to trick me at all. If
you need help with something, just ask me and I'll do it.
Do you see the key word in that statement? Help! When you ask
me if I WANT to do or not do something, that's a whole new
ballgame Right? So the key to dealing with me or any man is
just ask us what we wish to do and we we'll tell you outright.
As for me personally, I think you know the answer to most of your
questions before you ever ask. So the secret is to only ask me
what you know I will do and then as you have stated ….YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT.