March 2010 Evince Magazine

She Said
By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter should be behind us. Do you remember when we first started dating, you told me that on weekends, your ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well, there are several inches of snow and ice on the ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however, I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately because your hair looks like you were pardoned thirty seconds after the switch was pulled! Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush? Seems like I remember another facebook entry from you stating that "there wouldn't be as many divorces if you tried as hard to keep your partner as you did to get her". We all fall into that marriage mode after a few years and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly, at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice to come in, shower and relax, skipping hairstyling and make-up. I know the way I look doesn't change the way you feel about me and vice versa. Don't worry though, I won't take advantage of your good nature by going to WalMart in hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina where the female population actually goes shopping on Saturday morning with rollers the size of orange juice cans. We can vow to keep each other in check better than that.

He Said

Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer this month , but I will give it the old proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today , I just threw on a toboggan and
hurried over to your house before the snow got too deep, so we could spend the whole day together( I see you over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and washing my hair and coming to your house is the only thing keeping us together , let's stock up on plenty
of Prell shampoo or whatever brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I was probably talking about romance, flowers, cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep their woman happy. I know that when you are not planning on leaving the house your M.O. is to maybe wash your
hair and let it dry naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.

I understand that and to me that would seem to say I know you love me no matter what I look like , so I will just go with my natural look.. however, when I go out, I want to look my best, dressed to the t, so I can know that the world will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best for them.

Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at your best. Maybe I want to see you looking extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you want me to go to any store with you in hairculers is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul, rent a truck, and move you to that little old town in North Carolina where all the women shop with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.

So next time I come over, my hair will be clean, my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean, and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.

You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?

Open Mouth - Insert Foot

She Said

For someone who hates exercise, you sure don't

mind walking around in your mouth. Just yesterday

I started getting these messages on my email and

now on my facebook page about what you have written

so I thought I'd check it out. I know you like

to use philosophical sayings that you steal from

someone else ( sorry...you do give credit sometimes)

or from some book you found at a yard sale. Most of

the time they are cutesy, and I don't remember any

of them having any meaning.

Now all of a sudden you have come up with a saying

about marriage and you have led our friends into

believing that you are against such a fine institution.

I don't know of any person on this earth who loves

marriage more than you do and if this wasn't

true, why would you keep getting married over and

over again? Back to your statement. When I read

the posting, the first thought I had was negative.

I immediately thought "how dare him say such a thing

about me!?" As I said that was my first thought.

My second thought of course was .."What an idiot!".

I thought you were just showing a seamy side of you.

(Note: I said seamy NOT McDreamy) But I know you.

I know how much you love marriage. I know how much

you love, love. I know that you wouldn't make such

a statement and mean it because when you got home...

there I would be. Not that you have to answer to me;

however, if I confronted you and you didn't have a

reasonable explanation, it would be...”.Lucy you've

got some 'splainin to do”. So I am just going to

let it go this time because I know how playful you

can be and I know without a shadow of a doubt that

you didn't mean...” a wedding ring is the smallest

handcuff in the world” to be about us. I'm sure

it's about some other couple you felt sorry for

and were just trying to make them feel better.

You WERE trying to make someone else feel better...right?





He Said



To be perfectly honest with you, I never gave a thought

about us when I wrote that little saying.

I just thought it was funny and that all my friends

would be laughing. A couple of things happened after

I wrote this.

A...My friends didn't read it, yours did.

B. None of your friends thought it was funny.

They started emailing and face booking you about

what a slug I was. As you know I would never hurt you

intentionally and I really thought you would never

see it anyway so what the heck.

Now I see that most of your friends and a lot of

my friends think I am a selfish, one sided, don't

care anything at all about marriage type of guy.

As my friends all say ...marriage is a fine institution

if you're ready for an institution. You can see I

was careful to give my friends the credit for such a

slanderous statement. I love marriage. Some of my

best friends are married. There are probably a

couple of them who think that their wedding ring

is a handcuff. Not me. I think it is a strong sign of

true love between two people who are proud to show

the world how much they love each other by agreeing

to wear a chain, I mean a cross, I mean a wedding

ring as proof of their feelings for one another.

Hopefully some day you and I will be able to show

the world how much we really care about each other

by wearing a ring cuff, I mean a wedding ring.

What Happened this Year?

She Said

About a week ago it was January, 2009, and we were
planning our year. Now it is January, 2010, and
I don't feel like I have accomplished as much as
I wanted to. I had so many projects planned and
so many ideas about what I wanted to get done in
2009 and somewhere along the way, the year vanished.
Did you steal my year from me? I dislike having to
blame you every time something happens, but really
aren't you the culprit who is usually at fault?
You're a nice guy with a lot of friends and you
love to be the apple dumpling of the FaceBook crowd,
but the idea of stealing a whole year from me, just
tarnishes my view of your charming personality.
I know you are not a thief and I know you wouldn't
do it on purpose but I have lost a lot of valuable
time here and since I don't know where it is,
it must be your fault. I have to say that this year
was a good year though since we still have our good
health, and some of our parents are still with us.
I am not complaining so much as I am wondering out
loud where all the time went. So if you have some
way of making all of this up to me, now would be
the time to do it. I need about three more hours
in the day to get my projects done and then I'll
be happy.
　
He Said

You know the old adage "Time flies when you're
having fun"? You must be having a ball! As we
get older time just flies by a bit more quickly;
everyone over fifty knows that. Where have you
been? Time passing by isn't a problem for me...
getting blamed for everything is the problem.
Must I always be your scapegoat? Some of the
TIME, I don't mind being blamed for things but
stealing a whole year is not my fault and I'll
stand my ground on this one.
I'll admit that I have encouraged you to slow
down, not tackle so many projects, and spend
more time with me just relaxing but most of
the time that hasn't happened. You should
spend more time grazing on the front porch,
sipping cool drinks, and taking trips and
then maybe your year would have dragged by
as mine did.
I am so well rested, I could run a marathon.
We're not getting any younger which means time
will continue to fly by like the wind. Before
you know it, we'll be 100 years old with no
friends, strangers will be feeding us, changing
Depends. and pushing our wheelchairs while
you're bellyaching about not having enough time
to put a new roof on the house or clean the
basement. Fifty years from now, it won't matter
anyway. So start taking it easy...come home
from school, take off your shoes, make dinner,
wash the dishes, fold the clothes, walk to
the dog, and go grocery shopping. THEN we can
settle down in a nice Lazyboy chair, cuddle
up and watch TV. If you would slow down a
little, I promise you would enjoy
life more...or at least longer.

All I want for Christmas is......

She Said
We should all learn a lesson from your youngest son, Seth.
He is a master at "rolling with the punches". If we ask him
what he wants for dinner, he says it doesn't matter. If we
ask him what he wants for Christmas, he says he hasn't
really thought about it. If we ask him to come and visit,
he will come if he can. And get this: if we ask him if
he needs money, he says he has enough. Are you sure he's
your son? When I ask you what you want for Christmas,
you smile and say "everything". You start thinking about
Christmas in September so your list of suggestions is
complete around Labor Day. The real Labor Day is finding
all of the impossible trinkets you've asked for. It doesn't
help that stores start putting out Christmas decorations
and playing Christmas music earlier and earlier each year
so that by the time December gets here, it's old news. I
think Thanksgiving should be the first Thursday in November
instead of the third, so we can enjoy more time between
holidays. Why not prolong Christmastime so it will give
you longer to whine about why you're not always getting
your way? Unlike Seth, If I ask what you want for dinner,
you give "picky" a whole new vocabulary. Food is either
too hot, too cold, not seasoned enough, burned, or simply
not what you were in the mood for. And my favorite response
is "Didn't I just see this yesterday?" It took me a while
to realize that you're serious about never eating leftovers.
Leftovers are a godsend when I come home from work at
7:00 pm and you're waiting for dinner. I have a great
idea...just for the month of December, how about you doing
all of the meal planning, shopping, cooking, dishwashing,
laundry, etc., and I'll assume your pose in the recliner
reading, relaxing, or snapping my fingers for something
to eat and drink. If you don't like doing it for one month,
we could always make it a New Years Resolution that will
last for a whole year.

He Said
I will admit that my son Seth is not the proverbial chip
off the old block. I personally feel like Christmas should
be everyday in the year for me. I usually get what I want
all year long except maybe for dinner. I do like odd things
and probably don't fit in the everyday list of whatever
"normal" is. I am picky about my food because I like what
I like. I do enjoy getting my way and I go into my man cave
sometimes when I don't. I do not like leftovers but I can't
ever remember not offering to take you out to dinner whether
you are early from school or late from school. I would
never ask you to make dinnner for me unless I am sick or
you are cooking for yourself anyway. Now about those Christmas
presents. Did I give you my list yet? I thought I gave it to
you in July. This plan of yours about me doing all of the work
in a given month or year, is one we may have to discuss. I
will do the same for you that I did for my ex-wife and just
hire a maid. Of course, when she arrived at the door, my wife
wouldn't let her in because the house was too dirty. It's the
same with yard work. I will hire a yard man and then both of
us can sit on the porch, sip tea, hold hands, and point him
in the right direction when he misses a spot. Anyway, New
Years is a long way off and I'm still trying to digest the
notion that I'm hard to please at Christmas. Just go to
Sounds Unlimited and tell them Larry sent you. They can
certainly please me for Christmas choices but will probably
be at a loss as to what to make me for dinner.
Merry Christmas, Darling.

Ten Reasons to be Thankful

Nov. 2009

She Said

November is such a nice time of the year. Not too hot,

not too cold and the leaves changing giving

us an artist palate of colors in the trees.

Got me to thinking about all the things that

we should be thankful for, so I made my top

ten reasons to be thankful this year for Thanksgiving.

1.Thank you for giving our family good health all year.
2.Thank you for putting good friends in our life.
3.Thank you for letting us have a job that we enjoy.
4.Thank you for giving us the time to spend with our relatives.
5.Thank you for giving us the wisdom to get out of the stock market.
6.Thank you for giving us the knowledge to appreciate our happiness
7.Thank you for our church and the freedom of worship.
8.Thank you for the gift of reading and hearing music.
9.Thank you for the talents that you have given our children.
10.Thank you for giving us the opportunity of sharing your grace and love.

I trust that everyone will stop and think about all the

great things that we have to be thankful for

this year. Yes everyone has had some conflicts on the

economic side, but there are so many things

that we overlook like our health, friends , and family

that loves us and that we love. Just remember

there are others out there that are suffering

and having a harder time than you.


He Said

I feel your pain. I agree with everything that you said.

However , even though every thing you said

is important and I like what you are saying ,

you just didn't think of everything that we should be

thankful for. I have made up my own top ten list of

all the things I am happy for. More than likely

my list might be a tad different than yours, but

that is what attracted us to each other. Our own

individuality. Here is my top ten reasons to be thankful.

1. Summer is gone and no more yard mowing.
2. It is cold outside so no more demands on me to go for a walk.
3. No one asking me to go fishing.
4. Christmas will soon be here.
5. I made it to another birthday.
6. It gets dark sooner.
7. Snakes are hibernating
8. I am another year closer to retirement
9. Time for another John Grisham novel.
10. Another year closer to the day of our marriage.

You can tell by that last statement that I am a very

sensitive person. I didn't just write that to

impress you . Yes I am thankful for all that family

stuff too. And I like what you said about the

stock market and reading and music. But I just think

you thing too large. You seem to be

forgetting all the little things in life that

make up the bigger things.

That is why my list was a little more eclectic than

yours. I only wanted you to remember that not

everyone has the same likes and dislikes about life.

Some people have different priorities. Mine

of course have to do with lawn work (or the need

to avoid it) and finding a good novel to read.

That is why I love you though, because I can always

depend on you to keep me focused...and

for that I am really thankful.

The Other Woman

She Said

After ten years of being together you know I am not the
jealous type. I have never accused you of any wrong doing
and I don't question you about your travels, phone calls,
lunch dates, or even your flirtatious manner. I accept you
just the way you are. Now all of a sudden, SHE comes into
your life.
Don't give me that “What did I do kind of stare”. You
know what I am talking about. The first thing you do when
you come in the house is turn on the computer. You never
used to do that. The last thing you do before you leave,
is look on the computer. What use to take you five or ten
minutes, now takes you one or two hours. I've kept my cool;
I haven't asked you questions. I haven't sneaked up behind
you to see what you were doing ( O.K., maybe one time).
It hasn't really bothered me until now because more and
more of your time is being spent on that computer.
I hear stories about people going on chat lines and
meeting people on line. I have never suspected you
of doing either one of those things. I have never blamed
you or even ask you about what you do on the computer.
But after six months of wondering and debating whether to
ask you about it, you wrote about it in Showcase Magazine
last month. That's right . I am talking about your new love.
The person with whom you want to spend every waking minute.
The one person who fits your needs to a tee and doesn't
talk back, except for a whimsical answer to a rhetorical
question, usually delivered in some cute fashion.

That's right I am talking about your new found friend....Facebook.

Well, she can't fulfill every need. You need to remember
that late at night.

You better start becoming one of my fans...real soon.


He Said

Jealousy. She is a cruel mistress for man or woman. I hate
to get all philosophical on you or even try to defend my
efforts to justify some validity to my life and what I do.
But I am going to try because that is what men do. Many
months ago someone ask me to join FACEBOOK. After I did,
I showed it to you and you asked me why it was necessary.
I told you it was a social networking place
for people to meet and rekindle old friendships.
Your comment to me at that time was " looks like a place to
meet girls to me".
At that very moment, I came off of Facebook for you.
After reading more and more about it and being invited to
rejoin as a social event,
I signed on. A few months later (and not meeting any girls),
I asked you to join. You agreed to give it a try as soon
as school was out.
I showed you what it was all about and pointed out
articles about the positive aspects of Facebook. Many of
your friends had already invited you to join. You have
seen people and reconnected with many old friends and
although you don't participate often you still seem
to check out your Facebook page almost daily. I think
you see the validity in joining such a social networking
class and hopefully you will continue to connect with former
classmates and friends.
Oh yeah, and you might just get to make some new male friends.
Uh oh, I feel that Jealousy mistress creeping back in.
See you on Facebook and I remain your biggest fan.(at least weight wise.)

Pockets of Love

She Said

Are you related to a kangaroo somewhere down the line?
You cram so much "stuff" in your pockets that you bulge
in all directions and then you ask me to get out my
trusty sewing machine and fix your torn pockets like
new again. It's impossible to sew on fabric that doesn't
exist. You probably carry four heavy chains of keys
(and I bet you don't even know what some of them go to),
a trifold wallet ( I've bought you billfold ones that
don't get so fat but you conveniently lose them) receipts
from years past (can't throw anything away), calling cards
that could be filed elsewhere for easier reference, candy,
comb, two cell phones, glasses, chewing gum, and a variety
of pens. Meanwhile, you ask me to put a few things in my
purse for you such as extra glasses, drink packets, Advil,
hand sanitizer, stain remover, lint brush, and camera.
So here we come down the street with me following ten
steps behind you like Attila the Hun with my backpack
so laden with "stuff" that I can hardly walk.
I have two words for you...man purse.


He Said

I should talk about all the junk you carry in your handbag.
But I won't. I am too much of a gentleman.
If I did have a bag like yours , that weighs over 75 lbs,
you would never have to fix another pocket for
my pants. As it is today in our small city, most men are
carrying a wallet, bi-fold or tri-fold, not a man purse ,
and only carry the essential items including money to
buy you dinner each night and to pay for anything we do on a date.

I could carry my personal items in my glove box in my car
and change it out if I drive my other car or we take your car,
or we ride in our friends car to go out to eat.(with money
kept in my wallet). Now that I realize that the THREE times
in ten years that I have ask you to sew up my pockets has
been an extreme hardship on your daily life, I will do my
best to avoid asking you to do such a difficult and time
consuming job ever again.
I guess I could ask my mother to sew them up, who I might
add never complained one time, and always welcomed her son
with open arms whenever he needed a helping hand in any situation.
Yes , I agree you are not my mom, but don't you think
that every man is looking for a woman who treats her man
like his mother treated him? Maybe it is just me and you
are probably right that I took advantage of you on this
“sewing my pocket thing”. Next time just remind me to
give them to my Mother.
Did I happen to mention she never complains?