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– December 2010
She Said
Every year about September or October you start asking me
to put up the Christmas tree. Up until about 3 years ago,
I had always had a live tree, so it was hard to justify
putting up a live tree in October and having a dead tree
on Christmas morn. Since I have gotten a fake tree as
you now call it, it has given you reason to start whining
earlier than usual. I have seen Christmas decorations
all over town,including the stores where I went to pick
up my Halloween candies. It does not seem right to me to
have to walk through the Christmas section to to get to
the Halloween section. We have just about by passed
Thanksgiving all together and I am sure if we had to
buy something for labor day, we would have had to go
down the Christmas aisles to get to the labor presents.
When I take a walk around the neighborhood I am surprised
to see Christmas decorations already on the houses in
November and Christmas lights already turned on.
There are many reasons that this is not right. One
of course is a higher utility bill in November, and
second of all, I would be growing tired of Christmas
by December the first. Are we going to teach our
children that Christmas starts in November so that
they can teach their children to start in November.
By the second or third generation our great great
grandchildren will be celebrating Christmas in July.
I have noticed that some of the retail stores are
already having sales called Christmas in July. Is
this what the world is coming to. I surely hope not.
He Said
As you know I am a very opinionated person. Here
is my opinion about Christmas. I think that we
should celebrate Christmas all year long. We have
never been to Myrtle Beach when we did not go
into the Christmas store. It is always jam packed,
people are lined up at the counter to buy Christmas
ornaments in April, July, August and October. It
seems to me that people want Christmas all year
long but no one is brave enough to bring it up for
fear of people like you who are locked in a yearly pattern.
Well I am one of the future thinkers of America and
my new platform is to get Christmas in every
month. Think about it. Everyone would be more joyous
and happy every day. Having Christmas every month would
certainly help stimulate the economy with everyone
buying presents, going off to some exotic land to
celebrate the holiday, buying more food to have the
families over for Christmas dinner every month.
Think about all the new things we would be getting
as presents every month to make our lives more fulfilled.
Think about how happy all the children would be to be
getting presents every month. Think about how well the
children would behave everyday with parents threatening
to tell Santa if they were bad, or threatening them
with the idea each month that Santa is not coming
this month if you miss behave. I do believe I am on a
roll now and that this new idea of Christmas every
month in the year could be my ticket to fame. People
all over the world will be calling it Larry's Christmas
month. It will be named after me of course because I
thought of it. In the spirit of Christmas I do want to
thank you for giving me the inspiration for this thought
provoking idea.
Merry Christmas to all from Dena Hill and Larry Oldham –
She Said He Said
Friday, December 3, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Food Fight
November 2010
She Said
We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either too cold or too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food. Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does. The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just chalk
it up to an off night and keep quiet. But not him,
in fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He expects impeccable
service, food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.
All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.
He Said
At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them. I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.
She Said
We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either too cold or too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food. Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does. The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just chalk
it up to an off night and keep quiet. But not him,
in fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He expects impeccable
service, food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.
All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.
He Said
At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them. I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.
The Laws of Driving
October 2010
She Said
It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.
He Said
I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.
She Said
It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.
He Said
I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Joys of Camping (not)
She Said
Well, summer is about over and we haven't been
camping yet. In fact, we haven't been camping
since we started dating. Why is that? I love
waking up to birds chirping and waves splashing
along the seashore. I used to fix dinner over
a camp fire and I guess it always tasted great
because it took so much effort to get everything
ready. Sometimes I would wrap a roast, potatoes,
carrots, etc. in heavy duty foil, dig a hole
and start a fire with coals. Then I would put
the package on coals, cover it up and go to
the beach. When I returned, dinner was ready.
For dessert, I would wrap biscuit dough around
a stick (shaved clean, of course) and hold it
over the fire until it was brown, pull the stick
out and fill it with jelly. Other campers would
often come and visit around the campfire until
bedtime. Of course, I had to camp next to the
bathhouse so I could have a hot shower and
electricity for my blow dryer and curling iron.
The campsite with the most amenities is at
Fort Wilderness in Disney World. There are
so many activities to do on that site, some
days we wouldn't even go to the Magic Kingdom
or Epcot. I didn't even mind camping in a tent
until my daughter was born and then there
seemed to be a lot of sand in the sleeping bags.
So we graduated to a camper and we could at least
sleep in beds. Then we decided it was too hot
so we traded that camper in for one with air
conditioning. Sleeping under the stars, breathing
fresh air, and listening to crickets sing us to
sleep was exhilerating. You just don't know
what you're missing. We have a friend at the
bank who would love to introduce you to camping...
why don't I call her and arrange a trip for all of us?
He Said
We have not been camping since we started dating
for all the reasons that you have just mentioned.
I'm not going to go through the whole litany of
suggestions that you are attempting to make .
You didn't mention one item in anything you wrote
that I could enjoy except the part about eating.
I have no desire to make a fire, cook out under
the stars, be outside with the mosquitoes and
chiggers, or visit with other people who are too
cheap to rent a hotel room. I would rather mooch
from my rich friends who owns condos in all the
places I enjoy visiting. The idea of having to eat
bread off of a stick just about makes me
nauseous thinking about it.
My idea of moving up from an un-air conditioned
camper to a camper with air conditioning is sort
of repulsive also. Sleeping under the stars,
listening to the crickets singing is not my idea
of living the good life and when I have to go to
the bathroom in the middle of the night, you are
suggesting that I do my business in front of all
those crickets, or go hunting and pecking for
an outside Johnny House that you and your friends
call a bathhouse. That toilet is more than
likely shared by many others who can't sleep
with all of the crickets howling. No I don't
think so. I will just continue to woo you with
eating out, going to plays, flying you to New York,
renting an expensive hotel or in my case mooching
off the generosity of my friends and when your
urge to go camping gets too strong, you can just
call your friends at the bank, and hitch a ride
with them.
Don't forget the bug spray and mosquito net.
I'll be in the condo if you need me.
Well, summer is about over and we haven't been
camping yet. In fact, we haven't been camping
since we started dating. Why is that? I love
waking up to birds chirping and waves splashing
along the seashore. I used to fix dinner over
a camp fire and I guess it always tasted great
because it took so much effort to get everything
ready. Sometimes I would wrap a roast, potatoes,
carrots, etc. in heavy duty foil, dig a hole
and start a fire with coals. Then I would put
the package on coals, cover it up and go to
the beach. When I returned, dinner was ready.
For dessert, I would wrap biscuit dough around
a stick (shaved clean, of course) and hold it
over the fire until it was brown, pull the stick
out and fill it with jelly. Other campers would
often come and visit around the campfire until
bedtime. Of course, I had to camp next to the
bathhouse so I could have a hot shower and
electricity for my blow dryer and curling iron.
The campsite with the most amenities is at
Fort Wilderness in Disney World. There are
so many activities to do on that site, some
days we wouldn't even go to the Magic Kingdom
or Epcot. I didn't even mind camping in a tent
until my daughter was born and then there
seemed to be a lot of sand in the sleeping bags.
So we graduated to a camper and we could at least
sleep in beds. Then we decided it was too hot
so we traded that camper in for one with air
conditioning. Sleeping under the stars, breathing
fresh air, and listening to crickets sing us to
sleep was exhilerating. You just don't know
what you're missing. We have a friend at the
bank who would love to introduce you to camping...
why don't I call her and arrange a trip for all of us?
He Said
We have not been camping since we started dating
for all the reasons that you have just mentioned.
I'm not going to go through the whole litany of
suggestions that you are attempting to make .
You didn't mention one item in anything you wrote
that I could enjoy except the part about eating.
I have no desire to make a fire, cook out under
the stars, be outside with the mosquitoes and
chiggers, or visit with other people who are too
cheap to rent a hotel room. I would rather mooch
from my rich friends who owns condos in all the
places I enjoy visiting. The idea of having to eat
bread off of a stick just about makes me
nauseous thinking about it.
My idea of moving up from an un-air conditioned
camper to a camper with air conditioning is sort
of repulsive also. Sleeping under the stars,
listening to the crickets singing is not my idea
of living the good life and when I have to go to
the bathroom in the middle of the night, you are
suggesting that I do my business in front of all
those crickets, or go hunting and pecking for
an outside Johnny House that you and your friends
call a bathhouse. That toilet is more than
likely shared by many others who can't sleep
with all of the crickets howling. No I don't
think so. I will just continue to woo you with
eating out, going to plays, flying you to New York,
renting an expensive hotel or in my case mooching
off the generosity of my friends and when your
urge to go camping gets too strong, you can just
call your friends at the bank, and hitch a ride
with them.
Don't forget the bug spray and mosquito net.
I'll be in the condo if you need me.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Through Women's Eyes
She Said He Said – August 2010 Evince Magazine
She Said
Many times you come to me telling me about something
you have read in some book or magazine about women
and how they should act or how they are acting.
At times you seem surprised about what
you have read. What it comes down to is that
men and women are different and we as women seem to
know that difference and you as men have not
got a single clue. You can read all you want
about the needs of a women and you even discuss
it at length but still go right on doing what
you have always done. Case in point. One article
told you that women want to cuddle, or women
want to tell you about the work day but are not
really looking for advice. We are not soliciting
your opinion and we are not looking for an answer
we just want to tell you about our day. Men cannot
always save the world or conquer an unknown conquest
with their ideas. I just want to share a story with
you with no feedback.
When you read these stories written about women
(more than likely by a man author), why not take
heed? Try some of their ideas. Think of ways that
would please your woman and make her happy
without always having to make it about you
(not that you would ever do that.) I seriously
think that I should start writing these women
articles for these men magazines and try and
make you and all the other men out there realize
that we just want the simple things in life.
A new house, a nice car, a beautiful yard, fine
furniture, some cute outfits, a nice size ring,
and a quiet type man not opinionated.
Is that asking too much?
He Said
I hear you loud and clear. Most of my men friends
could probably give you a list of things that they
would like to see in their women, and I am sure
there would be differences. I am not even going to
attempt to go there because I do not want to
offend you or upset you with my discourse.
Now back to the men's magazines. I think it is
very interesting that someone would sit down,
analyze what makes a woman tick and then write
it down for men of read. This last one was all
about the twenty some subtle hints that women
give you when they are interested. I know I am
not the brightest kid on the block, but I can
tell you without very much repudiation, that
I know the difference when I am being
shunned and when I am being courted.
There is a difference and it is not subtle.
I heard a female comment the other day from a
woman who told another woman “she put the bait
out there, but he just didn't bite”. Now what
does that mean in men terms and what does that
mean in women terms.
It is like you have your own game at capturing
the game. Now you know none of this pertains to you
because I know you as well as any man could know
you and I know you would never use your girly
charms to entice a man. You are a good cook though,
and you keep a clean house, and you are always
offering to do things for me unsolicited. Maybe
this is what the magazine meant by subtle ways to
know she is interested. Maybe all this time you
have been using your female charms to get me. Well
I can tell you right now that it worked.
I have bought it hook, line and sinker. Those
are fishing terms I think.
Is that what the magazine means by being subtle?
She Said
Many times you come to me telling me about something
you have read in some book or magazine about women
and how they should act or how they are acting.
At times you seem surprised about what
you have read. What it comes down to is that
men and women are different and we as women seem to
know that difference and you as men have not
got a single clue. You can read all you want
about the needs of a women and you even discuss
it at length but still go right on doing what
you have always done. Case in point. One article
told you that women want to cuddle, or women
want to tell you about the work day but are not
really looking for advice. We are not soliciting
your opinion and we are not looking for an answer
we just want to tell you about our day. Men cannot
always save the world or conquer an unknown conquest
with their ideas. I just want to share a story with
you with no feedback.
When you read these stories written about women
(more than likely by a man author), why not take
heed? Try some of their ideas. Think of ways that
would please your woman and make her happy
without always having to make it about you
(not that you would ever do that.) I seriously
think that I should start writing these women
articles for these men magazines and try and
make you and all the other men out there realize
that we just want the simple things in life.
A new house, a nice car, a beautiful yard, fine
furniture, some cute outfits, a nice size ring,
and a quiet type man not opinionated.
Is that asking too much?
He Said
I hear you loud and clear. Most of my men friends
could probably give you a list of things that they
would like to see in their women, and I am sure
there would be differences. I am not even going to
attempt to go there because I do not want to
offend you or upset you with my discourse.
Now back to the men's magazines. I think it is
very interesting that someone would sit down,
analyze what makes a woman tick and then write
it down for men of read. This last one was all
about the twenty some subtle hints that women
give you when they are interested. I know I am
not the brightest kid on the block, but I can
tell you without very much repudiation, that
I know the difference when I am being
shunned and when I am being courted.
There is a difference and it is not subtle.
I heard a female comment the other day from a
woman who told another woman “she put the bait
out there, but he just didn't bite”. Now what
does that mean in men terms and what does that
mean in women terms.
It is like you have your own game at capturing
the game. Now you know none of this pertains to you
because I know you as well as any man could know
you and I know you would never use your girly
charms to entice a man. You are a good cook though,
and you keep a clean house, and you are always
offering to do things for me unsolicited. Maybe
this is what the magazine meant by subtle ways to
know she is interested. Maybe all this time you
have been using your female charms to get me. Well
I can tell you right now that it worked.
I have bought it hook, line and sinker. Those
are fishing terms I think.
Is that what the magazine means by being subtle?
Surprise, Surprise!!
She Said
Surprise! Surprise! Isn't it terrific when someone
thinks enough of you to plan a surprise party or
just a surprise event? No, no, no. I had never met
anyone who didn't like surprises until we moved
from friendship to a couple. I considered it a
thoughtful, caring sequence of events to call your
friends, family, etc., plan a party, and let you
unknowingly walk in on it. Now I realize that the
only person having fun was me. Why is this? You've
said that you hate surprises and you want to know
everything that involves you BEFORE it happens.
You like to be prepared for whatever... The element
of surprise on a persons' face is interesting
to watch but on your face, it's more like pain.
I'm sure there are other people who feel the way
you do so please enlighten me. My family all live
miles away and we're always surprising each other
with an unexpected visit. For my 40th birthday,
it was kind of neat to have my office all decorated
in black when I opened the door that morning.
Comments continued throughout the day as well as
good wishes. You don't even want surprise presents
for Christmas or birthdays and that takes all the
fun out of shopping. I may as well write a check
and hand it to you. When two people know each other
as well as we do, I should be able to surprise you
with something you'll really like but you want to
choose gifts for yourself. Maybe I should stick to
basics that you don't like to buy for yourself like
socks or T-shirts. Boring! How about a compromise???
You can humor me by ACTING surprised and then return
it for something you've had your eye on. After all,
life is a game and the object is to make the
players happy.
He Said
Surprise, surprise , are you happy? What I read in
your ever going endeavor to make me into
the perfect man does not surprise me. I am just
surprised that it has taken you this long to
admonish me on my ability to not act surprised.
Do you know how many people in the world fake being
surprised when the occasion calls for it. Aren't
you surprised that the one man you chose to date and
someday marry does not want to fit into the same
mold as every other man. Does it surprise you that
I have taken the liberty of sharing with you that
I want lie or pretend to be surprised when I am not?
It should not come as any surprise that I have
told you up front, I am a man that does not like
to be surprised. But darling, it still grates on
your last nerve that I just will not feign surprise,
or enjoy the ritual of surprise, or will even lie
to you and act surprised. Yes I could let you buy
me a bow tie, not wear it, and then sneak it back
to the store after purchasing an item that I really
wanted, and surprise you with my new gift that I
honestly wanted all the while. Does this surprise
you? I am honestly surprised after all our years
together that you can still find fault with my
need to be told what I am getting as a present,
when getting what I ask for has always made me happy...
after all isn't life just a game with the object
being to make the other person happy? I bet you
were surprised to see that phrase used again?
I know it surprised me.
Surprise! Surprise! Isn't it terrific when someone
thinks enough of you to plan a surprise party or
just a surprise event? No, no, no. I had never met
anyone who didn't like surprises until we moved
from friendship to a couple. I considered it a
thoughtful, caring sequence of events to call your
friends, family, etc., plan a party, and let you
unknowingly walk in on it. Now I realize that the
only person having fun was me. Why is this? You've
said that you hate surprises and you want to know
everything that involves you BEFORE it happens.
You like to be prepared for whatever... The element
of surprise on a persons' face is interesting
to watch but on your face, it's more like pain.
I'm sure there are other people who feel the way
you do so please enlighten me. My family all live
miles away and we're always surprising each other
with an unexpected visit. For my 40th birthday,
it was kind of neat to have my office all decorated
in black when I opened the door that morning.
Comments continued throughout the day as well as
good wishes. You don't even want surprise presents
for Christmas or birthdays and that takes all the
fun out of shopping. I may as well write a check
and hand it to you. When two people know each other
as well as we do, I should be able to surprise you
with something you'll really like but you want to
choose gifts for yourself. Maybe I should stick to
basics that you don't like to buy for yourself like
socks or T-shirts. Boring! How about a compromise???
You can humor me by ACTING surprised and then return
it for something you've had your eye on. After all,
life is a game and the object is to make the
players happy.
He Said
Surprise, surprise , are you happy? What I read in
your ever going endeavor to make me into
the perfect man does not surprise me. I am just
surprised that it has taken you this long to
admonish me on my ability to not act surprised.
Do you know how many people in the world fake being
surprised when the occasion calls for it. Aren't
you surprised that the one man you chose to date and
someday marry does not want to fit into the same
mold as every other man. Does it surprise you that
I have taken the liberty of sharing with you that
I want lie or pretend to be surprised when I am not?
It should not come as any surprise that I have
told you up front, I am a man that does not like
to be surprised. But darling, it still grates on
your last nerve that I just will not feign surprise,
or enjoy the ritual of surprise, or will even lie
to you and act surprised. Yes I could let you buy
me a bow tie, not wear it, and then sneak it back
to the store after purchasing an item that I really
wanted, and surprise you with my new gift that I
honestly wanted all the while. Does this surprise
you? I am honestly surprised after all our years
together that you can still find fault with my
need to be told what I am getting as a present,
when getting what I ask for has always made me happy...
after all isn't life just a game with the object
being to make the other person happy? I bet you
were surprised to see that phrase used again?
I know it surprised me.
Diets are not your Forte'
She Said He Said – June 2010 Evince Magazine –
She Said
Another week of confusion on what to fix when you
come over to eat. I know you were on that
100 Days of Healthy Living Diet in the city
because you lost twenty pounds and you were
starting to look like that guy I use to know.
For 6 months I watched you drink low calorie
drinks, eat no bread, eat only one or two cookies
instead of fifteen, and you even walked around
the block a couple of times with the dog and me.
About a week or so ago you started eating heavily
again: hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, real Coke,
ice cream sandwiches every night, and enough Oreo's
to make the cows tired of giving milk. Then this
week you tapered off again because you said you
had a doctor's appointment for your bi-annual check
up and he always chastises you about your weight.
It would be a tremendous help to me if you could
somehow co-ordinate your eating habits.
I want you to choose to be fat or be skinny;
just try to work consistency in the equation
so grocery shopping would be less stressful.
Do I buy the real bacon or the diet bacon,
real butter, or the almost taste like butter but not quite?
I am willing to work with you on the diet or at
least keep quiet until you make up your mind to adopt a
permanent weight loss program. Your fat clothes fit
better now and if you start losing weight again,
your clothes will look droopy and you're forced to
buy more. Of course, shopping more for clothes and
less for food might be a good thing so neither one
of us gains any weight.
He Said
Do you like blue or red? Is a Ford better than
a Chevrolet? You are asking me to comment on
something that is almost impossible to answer.
Yes, I want to be thin and yes, I want to look
good in my clothes, but I am going to tell you
right now that I do have this adoration of food.
I really try not to eat so much, but right after
breakfast everyday, I'm thinking about what can
I eat for lunch, or what we are having for dinner.
I think I need a food psychologist to get me out
of this addiction. I don't ever see you eat dessert,
sweets, cookies, or anything like the bad things I
eat. When I ask you what you weigh, you always slide
by the question and change the subject. If I ask
you if you have lost or gained weight, your answer
is always that you are just maintaining your weight.
You exercise 30 minutes in the morning, and walk
two miles a day with the dog, never eat sweets and
just maintain?
I am beginning to think that maybe you are a closet
eater. Just once I'd like to catch you sneaking
around stuffing Oreo's in your mouth when I'm not
looking. You know I couldn't eat a whole bag of
Oreo's by myself. Don't get me wrong I am not
falsely accusing you of being a closet eater,
I just don't understand that when I slow down
my eating sweets and sodas I lose weight, but
when you never eat that junk, you just maintain.
Maybe I should peek over your shoulder the next
time you weigh. It is not that I don't trust you,
I just need to learn your secret. How can you not
lose weight?
Do you see how easy it is for me to turn my eating
habits around to everything being all about you?
Cool huh?
She Said
Another week of confusion on what to fix when you
come over to eat. I know you were on that
100 Days of Healthy Living Diet in the city
because you lost twenty pounds and you were
starting to look like that guy I use to know.
For 6 months I watched you drink low calorie
drinks, eat no bread, eat only one or two cookies
instead of fifteen, and you even walked around
the block a couple of times with the dog and me.
About a week or so ago you started eating heavily
again: hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, real Coke,
ice cream sandwiches every night, and enough Oreo's
to make the cows tired of giving milk. Then this
week you tapered off again because you said you
had a doctor's appointment for your bi-annual check
up and he always chastises you about your weight.
It would be a tremendous help to me if you could
somehow co-ordinate your eating habits.
I want you to choose to be fat or be skinny;
just try to work consistency in the equation
so grocery shopping would be less stressful.
Do I buy the real bacon or the diet bacon,
real butter, or the almost taste like butter but not quite?
I am willing to work with you on the diet or at
least keep quiet until you make up your mind to adopt a
permanent weight loss program. Your fat clothes fit
better now and if you start losing weight again,
your clothes will look droopy and you're forced to
buy more. Of course, shopping more for clothes and
less for food might be a good thing so neither one
of us gains any weight.
He Said
Do you like blue or red? Is a Ford better than
a Chevrolet? You are asking me to comment on
something that is almost impossible to answer.
Yes, I want to be thin and yes, I want to look
good in my clothes, but I am going to tell you
right now that I do have this adoration of food.
I really try not to eat so much, but right after
breakfast everyday, I'm thinking about what can
I eat for lunch, or what we are having for dinner.
I think I need a food psychologist to get me out
of this addiction. I don't ever see you eat dessert,
sweets, cookies, or anything like the bad things I
eat. When I ask you what you weigh, you always slide
by the question and change the subject. If I ask
you if you have lost or gained weight, your answer
is always that you are just maintaining your weight.
You exercise 30 minutes in the morning, and walk
two miles a day with the dog, never eat sweets and
just maintain?
I am beginning to think that maybe you are a closet
eater. Just once I'd like to catch you sneaking
around stuffing Oreo's in your mouth when I'm not
looking. You know I couldn't eat a whole bag of
Oreo's by myself. Don't get me wrong I am not
falsely accusing you of being a closet eater,
I just don't understand that when I slow down
my eating sweets and sodas I lose weight, but
when you never eat that junk, you just maintain.
Maybe I should peek over your shoulder the next
time you weigh. It is not that I don't trust you,
I just need to learn your secret. How can you not
lose weight?
Do you see how easy it is for me to turn my eating
habits around to everything being all about you?
Cool huh?
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