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She Said He Said – June 2010 Evince Magazine –
She Said
Another week of confusion on what to fix when you
come over to eat. I know you were on that
100 Days of Healthy Living Diet in the city
because you lost twenty pounds and you were
starting to look like that guy I use to know.
For 6 months I watched you drink low calorie
drinks, eat no bread, eat only one or two cookies
instead of fifteen, and you even walked around
the block a couple of times with the dog and me.
About a week or so ago you started eating heavily
again: hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, real Coke,
ice cream sandwiches every night, and enough Oreo's
to make the cows tired of giving milk. Then this
week you tapered off again because you said you
had a doctor's appointment for your bi-annual check
up and he always chastises you about your weight.
It would be a tremendous help to me if you could
somehow co-ordinate your eating habits.
I want you to choose to be fat or be skinny;
just try to work consistency in the equation
so grocery shopping would be less stressful.
Do I buy the real bacon or the diet bacon,
real butter, or the almost taste like butter but not quite?
I am willing to work with you on the diet or at
least keep quiet until you make up your mind to adopt a
permanent weight loss program. Your fat clothes fit
better now and if you start losing weight again,
your clothes will look droopy and you're forced to
buy more. Of course, shopping more for clothes and
less for food might be a good thing so neither one
of us gains any weight.
He Said
Do you like blue or red? Is a Ford better than
a Chevrolet? You are asking me to comment on
something that is almost impossible to answer.
Yes, I want to be thin and yes, I want to look
good in my clothes, but I am going to tell you
right now that I do have this adoration of food.
I really try not to eat so much, but right after
breakfast everyday, I'm thinking about what can
I eat for lunch, or what we are having for dinner.
I think I need a food psychologist to get me out
of this addiction. I don't ever see you eat dessert,
sweets, cookies, or anything like the bad things I
eat. When I ask you what you weigh, you always slide
by the question and change the subject. If I ask
you if you have lost or gained weight, your answer
is always that you are just maintaining your weight.
You exercise 30 minutes in the morning, and walk
two miles a day with the dog, never eat sweets and
just maintain?
I am beginning to think that maybe you are a closet
eater. Just once I'd like to catch you sneaking
around stuffing Oreo's in your mouth when I'm not
looking. You know I couldn't eat a whole bag of
Oreo's by myself. Don't get me wrong I am not
falsely accusing you of being a closet eater,
I just don't understand that when I slow down
my eating sweets and sodas I lose weight, but
when you never eat that junk, you just maintain.
Maybe I should peek over your shoulder the next
time you weigh. It is not that I don't trust you,
I just need to learn your secret. How can you not
lose weight?
Do you see how easy it is for me to turn my eating
habits around to everything being all about you?
Cool huh?
Friday, August 13, 2010
Riding the Food Train
Evince May 2010 She Said He Said
She Said
Why is it that any time I make a dish with more
than two ingredients, you gag? I had always heard
of a "meat and potatoes man" but you really
carry it to extreme. Cassarole is NOT a four
letter word! In fact, in my other life I planned
cassaroles just so there would be leftovers for
another meal. That's like having a night off
from cooking and cleaning up dishes. No wonder
it never takes us long to go grocery shopping;
we end up eating the same thing every week.
Haven't you heard that variety is the spice of life?
The only time I get to experiment in the kitchen
is when one of our kids is coming for dinner.
I get out recipe books or go online to find
something new that will liven up our taste buds.
Yours are dead. There are supermarkets in
Greensboro that have interesting food selections
that are out of this world and anyone with an
imagination could make a meal that would be a
true epicurian delight. But it would send you
running to McDonalds as fast as your little
legs could carry you. I was shocked when you
ordered frog legs at Steaks on the Square one
night; I thought Nathan was going to have to
carry you out bodily after eating so many of
them. Do you think you could get out of your
comfort zone a little more often? By the way,
they serve meat and potatoes on cruise ships!
He Said
Being the Southern Gentleman that I am
(Fried Chicken and Okra)
I will try and answer you as humbly as I can.
(Mashed potatoes and gravy). I grew up
in a home that served what I like to refer
to as country cooking( Hamhocks and collards).
Many mornings my breakfast consisted of a
peanut butter and egg sandwich and a Coca Cola.
(Pinto beans and onions). I took a sandwich for
lunch and we always had a meat and two vegetables
for supper.(porkchops and apple sauce). So to say
that my palate was unusual would be considered by
some to be right at the top of the the list.
(corn bread and buttermilk).
I surely do not think that you are wrong in
describing your desires for better concocted
meals(Black eyed peas and cream corn) and I
have to agree with you that you certainly deserve
the best in a palatable toothsome meal( apple pie
and vanilla ice cream), but I don't understand
why you think I would enjoy eating casseroles and
tofu ( meat loaf and gravy) when I have surrounded
myself all my life with delectable menu items
of my own(hot dogs with chili) that I have eaten
all my life.(Pinto beans and onions.) Maybe you are
in your comfort zone and you need to experiment
yourself (bannana pudding) and learn to eat foods
that I have enjoyed all my life.(Macaroni and Cheese).
You have just got to learn to take me as I am
(fried tomato pies) and I will work hard to accept
your odd and quirky taste. (Asparagus and salads).
Maybe we can find a cruise ship that has food that
we both can enjoy.
Sometimes I think you are trying to leave me subtle
hints about the kinds of foods you want me to eat.
I would never do that to you. ( chocolate pie)
She Said
Why is it that any time I make a dish with more
than two ingredients, you gag? I had always heard
of a "meat and potatoes man" but you really
carry it to extreme. Cassarole is NOT a four
letter word! In fact, in my other life I planned
cassaroles just so there would be leftovers for
another meal. That's like having a night off
from cooking and cleaning up dishes. No wonder
it never takes us long to go grocery shopping;
we end up eating the same thing every week.
Haven't you heard that variety is the spice of life?
The only time I get to experiment in the kitchen
is when one of our kids is coming for dinner.
I get out recipe books or go online to find
something new that will liven up our taste buds.
Yours are dead. There are supermarkets in
Greensboro that have interesting food selections
that are out of this world and anyone with an
imagination could make a meal that would be a
true epicurian delight. But it would send you
running to McDonalds as fast as your little
legs could carry you. I was shocked when you
ordered frog legs at Steaks on the Square one
night; I thought Nathan was going to have to
carry you out bodily after eating so many of
them. Do you think you could get out of your
comfort zone a little more often? By the way,
they serve meat and potatoes on cruise ships!
He Said
Being the Southern Gentleman that I am
(Fried Chicken and Okra)
I will try and answer you as humbly as I can.
(Mashed potatoes and gravy). I grew up
in a home that served what I like to refer
to as country cooking( Hamhocks and collards).
Many mornings my breakfast consisted of a
peanut butter and egg sandwich and a Coca Cola.
(Pinto beans and onions). I took a sandwich for
lunch and we always had a meat and two vegetables
for supper.(porkchops and apple sauce). So to say
that my palate was unusual would be considered by
some to be right at the top of the the list.
(corn bread and buttermilk).
I surely do not think that you are wrong in
describing your desires for better concocted
meals(Black eyed peas and cream corn) and I
have to agree with you that you certainly deserve
the best in a palatable toothsome meal( apple pie
and vanilla ice cream), but I don't understand
why you think I would enjoy eating casseroles and
tofu ( meat loaf and gravy) when I have surrounded
myself all my life with delectable menu items
of my own(hot dogs with chili) that I have eaten
all my life.(Pinto beans and onions.) Maybe you are
in your comfort zone and you need to experiment
yourself (bannana pudding) and learn to eat foods
that I have enjoyed all my life.(Macaroni and Cheese).
You have just got to learn to take me as I am
(fried tomato pies) and I will work hard to accept
your odd and quirky taste. (Asparagus and salads).
Maybe we can find a cruise ship that has food that
we both can enjoy.
Sometimes I think you are trying to leave me subtle
hints about the kinds of foods you want me to eat.
I would never do that to you. ( chocolate pie)
The Art of Jealousy
She Said He Said Evince Magazine April 2010 –
She Said
By nature I am not a jealous person. Does not go
well with my personality. You being a Libra have
a very friendly attitude toward the female race.
In all fairness you are also very friendly with
other male friends also. What I am trying to
understand from the female prospective is men's
feelings about what they can do as compared in
theory to what is expected of a woman and what
can do. For example,we go into a grocery store,
clothing store or whatever and you speak to everyone
you know. Sometimes you even touch girls on the
arm while you are talking to them. This really
does not bother me because I know you are faithful,
I know you are a tactile person, and you like to
make people around you feel comfortable. That is
also the salesman in you so I am not really complaining.
Let us now walk into the hardware store, let me ask a
man which aisle is the paint to be found , and when
we leave the store I get from you, why didn't you ask
a female clerk, or why did you ask that guy? I ask
that guy because he was the first person I ran into
with an employee shirt on saying “I am George , I
work in this hardware store, ask me a question”.
It is just the difference between men and women.
I am sure there are flirty women in some stores ,
maybe even the hardware store, but I don't think
you are going to go looking for her. But if we do
talk to a women within five seconds you are
giggling like a two year old, smiling your largest
smile, and touching her somewhere just to be
friendly...and please don't get me started on
hugging.
He Said
Caught red handed. You are right as usual. There is
a double parallel or a double standard when it
comes to men and women. I have my own personal
theory if you would like to hear it. Number one
I do not mean to flirt. I am a touchy feely person,
but always in front of you. If I have ever gotten
too close to a stranger or someone in a store they
have never acknowledged it or neither have you. My
theory is this. Women are in control of everything
in their lives, their children's lives and their spouse's
lives. Men on the other hand are insecure, in need
of attention, and would like for everyone to like
them. When I am being friendly I am just being
friendly. I don't control what the women are thinking
or I don't have some alternative motive in my mind.
I can't convince the hardware clerk to go home
with me if she does not want to. You or women
in general can control the situation from your
prospective. If you like a man you can let it
be known. You can hint that you are single.
You can flirt with your eyes , or even
accidentially get too close to him by mistake.
Most men are looking for an opportunity, so even
the kindest act, smallest touch, gives a man an
inkling that you want him to take you home.
I am sure that the clerks that I talk to at
the hardware store does not want or need me
to take them home. Bedsides, when they see
you and I together ,holding hands, sitting
on the same side of the table in a restaurant,
I imagine they get the hint that you and I are
really together. Just so you know, I have not
met another woman in Danville that is as pretty
or as fun as you. Now New York on the other
hand.(lol)
She Said
By nature I am not a jealous person. Does not go
well with my personality. You being a Libra have
a very friendly attitude toward the female race.
In all fairness you are also very friendly with
other male friends also. What I am trying to
understand from the female prospective is men's
feelings about what they can do as compared in
theory to what is expected of a woman and what
can do. For example,we go into a grocery store,
clothing store or whatever and you speak to everyone
you know. Sometimes you even touch girls on the
arm while you are talking to them. This really
does not bother me because I know you are faithful,
I know you are a tactile person, and you like to
make people around you feel comfortable. That is
also the salesman in you so I am not really complaining.
Let us now walk into the hardware store, let me ask a
man which aisle is the paint to be found , and when
we leave the store I get from you, why didn't you ask
a female clerk, or why did you ask that guy? I ask
that guy because he was the first person I ran into
with an employee shirt on saying “I am George , I
work in this hardware store, ask me a question”.
It is just the difference between men and women.
I am sure there are flirty women in some stores ,
maybe even the hardware store, but I don't think
you are going to go looking for her. But if we do
talk to a women within five seconds you are
giggling like a two year old, smiling your largest
smile, and touching her somewhere just to be
friendly...and please don't get me started on
hugging.
He Said
Caught red handed. You are right as usual. There is
a double parallel or a double standard when it
comes to men and women. I have my own personal
theory if you would like to hear it. Number one
I do not mean to flirt. I am a touchy feely person,
but always in front of you. If I have ever gotten
too close to a stranger or someone in a store they
have never acknowledged it or neither have you. My
theory is this. Women are in control of everything
in their lives, their children's lives and their spouse's
lives. Men on the other hand are insecure, in need
of attention, and would like for everyone to like
them. When I am being friendly I am just being
friendly. I don't control what the women are thinking
or I don't have some alternative motive in my mind.
I can't convince the hardware clerk to go home
with me if she does not want to. You or women
in general can control the situation from your
prospective. If you like a man you can let it
be known. You can hint that you are single.
You can flirt with your eyes , or even
accidentially get too close to him by mistake.
Most men are looking for an opportunity, so even
the kindest act, smallest touch, gives a man an
inkling that you want him to take you home.
I am sure that the clerks that I talk to at
the hardware store does not want or need me
to take them home. Bedsides, when they see
you and I together ,holding hands, sitting
on the same side of the table in a restaurant,
I imagine they get the hint that you and I are
really together. Just so you know, I have not
met another woman in Danville that is as pretty
or as fun as you. Now New York on the other
hand.(lol)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
March 2010 Evince Magazine
She Said
By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter should be behind us. Do you remember when we first started dating, you told me that on weekends, your ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well, there are several inches of snow and ice on the ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however, I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately because your hair looks like you were pardoned thirty seconds after the switch was pulled! Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush? Seems like I remember another facebook entry from you stating that "there wouldn't be as many divorces if you tried as hard to keep your partner as you did to get her". We all fall into that marriage mode after a few years and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly, at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice to come in, shower and relax, skipping hairstyling and make-up. I know the way I look doesn't change the way you feel about me and vice versa. Don't worry though, I won't take advantage of your good nature by going to WalMart in hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina where the female population actually goes shopping on Saturday morning with rollers the size of orange juice cans. We can vow to keep each other in check better than that.
He Said
Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer this month , but I will give it the old proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today , I just threw on a toboggan and
hurried over to your house before the snow got too deep, so we could spend the whole day together( I see you over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and washing my hair and coming to your house is the only thing keeping us together , let's stock up on plenty
of Prell shampoo or whatever brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I was probably talking about romance, flowers, cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep their woman happy. I know that when you are not planning on leaving the house your M.O. is to maybe wash your
hair and let it dry naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.
I understand that and to me that would seem to say I know you love me no matter what I look like , so I will just go with my natural look.. however, when I go out, I want to look my best, dressed to the t, so I can know that the world will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best for them.
Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at your best. Maybe I want to see you looking extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you want me to go to any store with you in hairculers is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul, rent a truck, and move you to that little old town in North Carolina where all the women shop with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.
So next time I come over, my hair will be clean, my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean, and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.
You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?
By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter should be behind us. Do you remember when we first started dating, you told me that on weekends, your ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well, there are several inches of snow and ice on the ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however, I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately because your hair looks like you were pardoned thirty seconds after the switch was pulled! Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush? Seems like I remember another facebook entry from you stating that "there wouldn't be as many divorces if you tried as hard to keep your partner as you did to get her". We all fall into that marriage mode after a few years and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly, at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice to come in, shower and relax, skipping hairstyling and make-up. I know the way I look doesn't change the way you feel about me and vice versa. Don't worry though, I won't take advantage of your good nature by going to WalMart in hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina where the female population actually goes shopping on Saturday morning with rollers the size of orange juice cans. We can vow to keep each other in check better than that.
He Said
Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer this month , but I will give it the old proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today , I just threw on a toboggan and
hurried over to your house before the snow got too deep, so we could spend the whole day together( I see you over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and washing my hair and coming to your house is the only thing keeping us together , let's stock up on plenty
of Prell shampoo or whatever brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I was probably talking about romance, flowers, cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep their woman happy. I know that when you are not planning on leaving the house your M.O. is to maybe wash your
hair and let it dry naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.
I understand that and to me that would seem to say I know you love me no matter what I look like , so I will just go with my natural look.. however, when I go out, I want to look my best, dressed to the t, so I can know that the world will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best for them.
Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at your best. Maybe I want to see you looking extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you want me to go to any store with you in hairculers is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul, rent a truck, and move you to that little old town in North Carolina where all the women shop with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.
So next time I come over, my hair will be clean, my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean, and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.
You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Open Mouth - Insert Foot
She Said
For someone who hates exercise, you sure don't
mind walking around in your mouth. Just yesterday
I started getting these messages on my email and
now on my facebook page about what you have written
so I thought I'd check it out. I know you like
to use philosophical sayings that you steal from
someone else ( sorry...you do give credit sometimes)
or from some book you found at a yard sale. Most of
the time they are cutesy, and I don't remember any
of them having any meaning.
Now all of a sudden you have come up with a saying
about marriage and you have led our friends into
believing that you are against such a fine institution.
I don't know of any person on this earth who loves
marriage more than you do and if this wasn't
true, why would you keep getting married over and
over again? Back to your statement. When I read
the posting, the first thought I had was negative.
I immediately thought "how dare him say such a thing
about me!?" As I said that was my first thought.
My second thought of course was .."What an idiot!".
I thought you were just showing a seamy side of you.
(Note: I said seamy NOT McDreamy) But I know you.
I know how much you love marriage. I know how much
you love, love. I know that you wouldn't make such
a statement and mean it because when you got home...
there I would be. Not that you have to answer to me;
however, if I confronted you and you didn't have a
reasonable explanation, it would be...”.Lucy you've
got some 'splainin to do”. So I am just going to
let it go this time because I know how playful you
can be and I know without a shadow of a doubt that
you didn't mean...” a wedding ring is the smallest
handcuff in the world” to be about us. I'm sure
it's about some other couple you felt sorry for
and were just trying to make them feel better.
You WERE trying to make someone else feel better...right?
He Said
To be perfectly honest with you, I never gave a thought
about us when I wrote that little saying.
I just thought it was funny and that all my friends
would be laughing. A couple of things happened after
I wrote this.
A...My friends didn't read it, yours did.
B. None of your friends thought it was funny.
They started emailing and face booking you about
what a slug I was. As you know I would never hurt you
intentionally and I really thought you would never
see it anyway so what the heck.
Now I see that most of your friends and a lot of
my friends think I am a selfish, one sided, don't
care anything at all about marriage type of guy.
As my friends all say ...marriage is a fine institution
if you're ready for an institution. You can see I
was careful to give my friends the credit for such a
slanderous statement. I love marriage. Some of my
best friends are married. There are probably a
couple of them who think that their wedding ring
is a handcuff. Not me. I think it is a strong sign of
true love between two people who are proud to show
the world how much they love each other by agreeing
to wear a chain, I mean a cross, I mean a wedding
ring as proof of their feelings for one another.
Hopefully some day you and I will be able to show
the world how much we really care about each other
by wearing a ring cuff, I mean a wedding ring.
For someone who hates exercise, you sure don't
mind walking around in your mouth. Just yesterday
I started getting these messages on my email and
now on my facebook page about what you have written
so I thought I'd check it out. I know you like
to use philosophical sayings that you steal from
someone else ( sorry...you do give credit sometimes)
or from some book you found at a yard sale. Most of
the time they are cutesy, and I don't remember any
of them having any meaning.
Now all of a sudden you have come up with a saying
about marriage and you have led our friends into
believing that you are against such a fine institution.
I don't know of any person on this earth who loves
marriage more than you do and if this wasn't
true, why would you keep getting married over and
over again? Back to your statement. When I read
the posting, the first thought I had was negative.
I immediately thought "how dare him say such a thing
about me!?" As I said that was my first thought.
My second thought of course was .."What an idiot!".
I thought you were just showing a seamy side of you.
(Note: I said seamy NOT McDreamy) But I know you.
I know how much you love marriage. I know how much
you love, love. I know that you wouldn't make such
a statement and mean it because when you got home...
there I would be. Not that you have to answer to me;
however, if I confronted you and you didn't have a
reasonable explanation, it would be...”.Lucy you've
got some 'splainin to do”. So I am just going to
let it go this time because I know how playful you
can be and I know without a shadow of a doubt that
you didn't mean...” a wedding ring is the smallest
handcuff in the world” to be about us. I'm sure
it's about some other couple you felt sorry for
and were just trying to make them feel better.
You WERE trying to make someone else feel better...right?
He Said
To be perfectly honest with you, I never gave a thought
about us when I wrote that little saying.
I just thought it was funny and that all my friends
would be laughing. A couple of things happened after
I wrote this.
A...My friends didn't read it, yours did.
B. None of your friends thought it was funny.
They started emailing and face booking you about
what a slug I was. As you know I would never hurt you
intentionally and I really thought you would never
see it anyway so what the heck.
Now I see that most of your friends and a lot of
my friends think I am a selfish, one sided, don't
care anything at all about marriage type of guy.
As my friends all say ...marriage is a fine institution
if you're ready for an institution. You can see I
was careful to give my friends the credit for such a
slanderous statement. I love marriage. Some of my
best friends are married. There are probably a
couple of them who think that their wedding ring
is a handcuff. Not me. I think it is a strong sign of
true love between two people who are proud to show
the world how much they love each other by agreeing
to wear a chain, I mean a cross, I mean a wedding
ring as proof of their feelings for one another.
Hopefully some day you and I will be able to show
the world how much we really care about each other
by wearing a ring cuff, I mean a wedding ring.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
What Happened this Year?
She Said
About a week ago it was January, 2009, and we were
planning our year. Now it is January, 2010, and
I don't feel like I have accomplished as much as
I wanted to. I had so many projects planned and
so many ideas about what I wanted to get done in
2009 and somewhere along the way, the year vanished.
Did you steal my year from me? I dislike having to
blame you every time something happens, but really
aren't you the culprit who is usually at fault?
You're a nice guy with a lot of friends and you
love to be the apple dumpling of the FaceBook crowd,
but the idea of stealing a whole year from me, just
tarnishes my view of your charming personality.
I know you are not a thief and I know you wouldn't
do it on purpose but I have lost a lot of valuable
time here and since I don't know where it is,
it must be your fault. I have to say that this year
was a good year though since we still have our good
health, and some of our parents are still with us.
I am not complaining so much as I am wondering out
loud where all the time went. So if you have some
way of making all of this up to me, now would be
the time to do it. I need about three more hours
in the day to get my projects done and then I'll
be happy.
He Said
You know the old adage "Time flies when you're
having fun"? You must be having a ball! As we
get older time just flies by a bit more quickly;
everyone over fifty knows that. Where have you
been? Time passing by isn't a problem for me...
getting blamed for everything is the problem.
Must I always be your scapegoat? Some of the
TIME, I don't mind being blamed for things but
stealing a whole year is not my fault and I'll
stand my ground on this one.
I'll admit that I have encouraged you to slow
down, not tackle so many projects, and spend
more time with me just relaxing but most of
the time that hasn't happened. You should
spend more time grazing on the front porch,
sipping cool drinks, and taking trips and
then maybe your year would have dragged by
as mine did.
I am so well rested, I could run a marathon.
We're not getting any younger which means time
will continue to fly by like the wind. Before
you know it, we'll be 100 years old with no
friends, strangers will be feeding us, changing
Depends. and pushing our wheelchairs while
you're bellyaching about not having enough time
to put a new roof on the house or clean the
basement. Fifty years from now, it won't matter
anyway. So start taking it easy...come home
from school, take off your shoes, make dinner,
wash the dishes, fold the clothes, walk to
the dog, and go grocery shopping. THEN we can
settle down in a nice Lazyboy chair, cuddle
up and watch TV. If you would slow down a
little, I promise you would enjoy
life more...or at least longer.
About a week ago it was January, 2009, and we were
planning our year. Now it is January, 2010, and
I don't feel like I have accomplished as much as
I wanted to. I had so many projects planned and
so many ideas about what I wanted to get done in
2009 and somewhere along the way, the year vanished.
Did you steal my year from me? I dislike having to
blame you every time something happens, but really
aren't you the culprit who is usually at fault?
You're a nice guy with a lot of friends and you
love to be the apple dumpling of the FaceBook crowd,
but the idea of stealing a whole year from me, just
tarnishes my view of your charming personality.
I know you are not a thief and I know you wouldn't
do it on purpose but I have lost a lot of valuable
time here and since I don't know where it is,
it must be your fault. I have to say that this year
was a good year though since we still have our good
health, and some of our parents are still with us.
I am not complaining so much as I am wondering out
loud where all the time went. So if you have some
way of making all of this up to me, now would be
the time to do it. I need about three more hours
in the day to get my projects done and then I'll
be happy.
He Said
You know the old adage "Time flies when you're
having fun"? You must be having a ball! As we
get older time just flies by a bit more quickly;
everyone over fifty knows that. Where have you
been? Time passing by isn't a problem for me...
getting blamed for everything is the problem.
Must I always be your scapegoat? Some of the
TIME, I don't mind being blamed for things but
stealing a whole year is not my fault and I'll
stand my ground on this one.
I'll admit that I have encouraged you to slow
down, not tackle so many projects, and spend
more time with me just relaxing but most of
the time that hasn't happened. You should
spend more time grazing on the front porch,
sipping cool drinks, and taking trips and
then maybe your year would have dragged by
as mine did.
I am so well rested, I could run a marathon.
We're not getting any younger which means time
will continue to fly by like the wind. Before
you know it, we'll be 100 years old with no
friends, strangers will be feeding us, changing
Depends. and pushing our wheelchairs while
you're bellyaching about not having enough time
to put a new roof on the house or clean the
basement. Fifty years from now, it won't matter
anyway. So start taking it easy...come home
from school, take off your shoes, make dinner,
wash the dishes, fold the clothes, walk to
the dog, and go grocery shopping. THEN we can
settle down in a nice Lazyboy chair, cuddle
up and watch TV. If you would slow down a
little, I promise you would enjoy
life more...or at least longer.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
All I want for Christmas is......
She Said
We should all learn a lesson from your youngest son, Seth.
He is a master at "rolling with the punches". If we ask him
what he wants for dinner, he says it doesn't matter. If we
ask him what he wants for Christmas, he says he hasn't
really thought about it. If we ask him to come and visit,
he will come if he can. And get this: if we ask him if
he needs money, he says he has enough. Are you sure he's
your son? When I ask you what you want for Christmas,
you smile and say "everything". You start thinking about
Christmas in September so your list of suggestions is
complete around Labor Day. The real Labor Day is finding
all of the impossible trinkets you've asked for. It doesn't
help that stores start putting out Christmas decorations
and playing Christmas music earlier and earlier each year
so that by the time December gets here, it's old news. I
think Thanksgiving should be the first Thursday in November
instead of the third, so we can enjoy more time between
holidays. Why not prolong Christmastime so it will give
you longer to whine about why you're not always getting
your way? Unlike Seth, If I ask what you want for dinner,
you give "picky" a whole new vocabulary. Food is either
too hot, too cold, not seasoned enough, burned, or simply
not what you were in the mood for. And my favorite response
is "Didn't I just see this yesterday?" It took me a while
to realize that you're serious about never eating leftovers.
Leftovers are a godsend when I come home from work at
7:00 pm and you're waiting for dinner. I have a great
idea...just for the month of December, how about you doing
all of the meal planning, shopping, cooking, dishwashing,
laundry, etc., and I'll assume your pose in the recliner
reading, relaxing, or snapping my fingers for something
to eat and drink. If you don't like doing it for one month,
we could always make it a New Years Resolution that will
last for a whole year.
He Said
I will admit that my son Seth is not the proverbial chip
off the old block. I personally feel like Christmas should
be everyday in the year for me. I usually get what I want
all year long except maybe for dinner. I do like odd things
and probably don't fit in the everyday list of whatever
"normal" is. I am picky about my food because I like what
I like. I do enjoy getting my way and I go into my man cave
sometimes when I don't. I do not like leftovers but I can't
ever remember not offering to take you out to dinner whether
you are early from school or late from school. I would
never ask you to make dinnner for me unless I am sick or
you are cooking for yourself anyway. Now about those Christmas
presents. Did I give you my list yet? I thought I gave it to
you in July. This plan of yours about me doing all of the work
in a given month or year, is one we may have to discuss. I
will do the same for you that I did for my ex-wife and just
hire a maid. Of course, when she arrived at the door, my wife
wouldn't let her in because the house was too dirty. It's the
same with yard work. I will hire a yard man and then both of
us can sit on the porch, sip tea, hold hands, and point him
in the right direction when he misses a spot. Anyway, New
Years is a long way off and I'm still trying to digest the
notion that I'm hard to please at Christmas. Just go to
Sounds Unlimited and tell them Larry sent you. They can
certainly please me for Christmas choices but will probably
be at a loss as to what to make me for dinner.
Merry Christmas, Darling.
We should all learn a lesson from your youngest son, Seth.
He is a master at "rolling with the punches". If we ask him
what he wants for dinner, he says it doesn't matter. If we
ask him what he wants for Christmas, he says he hasn't
really thought about it. If we ask him to come and visit,
he will come if he can. And get this: if we ask him if
he needs money, he says he has enough. Are you sure he's
your son? When I ask you what you want for Christmas,
you smile and say "everything". You start thinking about
Christmas in September so your list of suggestions is
complete around Labor Day. The real Labor Day is finding
all of the impossible trinkets you've asked for. It doesn't
help that stores start putting out Christmas decorations
and playing Christmas music earlier and earlier each year
so that by the time December gets here, it's old news. I
think Thanksgiving should be the first Thursday in November
instead of the third, so we can enjoy more time between
holidays. Why not prolong Christmastime so it will give
you longer to whine about why you're not always getting
your way? Unlike Seth, If I ask what you want for dinner,
you give "picky" a whole new vocabulary. Food is either
too hot, too cold, not seasoned enough, burned, or simply
not what you were in the mood for. And my favorite response
is "Didn't I just see this yesterday?" It took me a while
to realize that you're serious about never eating leftovers.
Leftovers are a godsend when I come home from work at
7:00 pm and you're waiting for dinner. I have a great
idea...just for the month of December, how about you doing
all of the meal planning, shopping, cooking, dishwashing,
laundry, etc., and I'll assume your pose in the recliner
reading, relaxing, or snapping my fingers for something
to eat and drink. If you don't like doing it for one month,
we could always make it a New Years Resolution that will
last for a whole year.
He Said
I will admit that my son Seth is not the proverbial chip
off the old block. I personally feel like Christmas should
be everyday in the year for me. I usually get what I want
all year long except maybe for dinner. I do like odd things
and probably don't fit in the everyday list of whatever
"normal" is. I am picky about my food because I like what
I like. I do enjoy getting my way and I go into my man cave
sometimes when I don't. I do not like leftovers but I can't
ever remember not offering to take you out to dinner whether
you are early from school or late from school. I would
never ask you to make dinnner for me unless I am sick or
you are cooking for yourself anyway. Now about those Christmas
presents. Did I give you my list yet? I thought I gave it to
you in July. This plan of yours about me doing all of the work
in a given month or year, is one we may have to discuss. I
will do the same for you that I did for my ex-wife and just
hire a maid. Of course, when she arrived at the door, my wife
wouldn't let her in because the house was too dirty. It's the
same with yard work. I will hire a yard man and then both of
us can sit on the porch, sip tea, hold hands, and point him
in the right direction when he misses a spot. Anyway, New
Years is a long way off and I'm still trying to digest the
notion that I'm hard to please at Christmas. Just go to
Sounds Unlimited and tell them Larry sent you. They can
certainly please me for Christmas choices but will probably
be at a loss as to what to make me for dinner.
Merry Christmas, Darling.
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