Surprise, Surprise!!

She Said
 
Surprise! Surprise! Isn't it terrific when someone

thinks enough of you to plan a surprise party or

just a surprise event? No, no, no. I had never met

anyone who didn't like surprises until we moved

from friendship to a couple. I considered it a

thoughtful, caring sequence of events to call your

friends, family, etc., plan a party, and let you

unknowingly walk in on it. Now I realize that the

only person having fun was me. Why is this? You've

said that you hate surprises and you want to know

everything that involves you BEFORE it happens.

You like to be prepared for whatever... The element

of surprise on a persons' face is interesting

to watch but on your face, it's more like pain.

I'm sure there are other people who feel the way

you do so please enlighten me. My family all live

miles away and we're always surprising each other

with an unexpected visit. For my 40th birthday,

it was kind of neat to have my office all decorated

in black when I opened the door that morning.

Comments continued throughout the day as well as

good wishes. You don't even want surprise presents

for Christmas or birthdays and that takes all the

fun out of shopping. I may as well write a check

and hand it to you. When two people know each other

as well as we do, I should be able to surprise you

with something you'll really like but you want to

choose gifts for yourself. Maybe I should stick to

basics that you don't like to buy for yourself like

socks or T-shirts. Boring! How about a compromise???

You can humor me by ACTING surprised and then return

it for something you've had your eye on. After all,

life is a game and the object is to make the

players happy.


He Said

Surprise, surprise , are you happy? What I read in

your ever going endeavor to make me into

the perfect man does not surprise me. I am just

surprised that it has taken you this long to

admonish me on my ability to not act surprised.

Do you know how many people in the world fake being

surprised when the occasion calls for it. Aren't

you surprised that the one man you chose to date and

someday marry does not want to fit into the same

mold as every other man. Does it surprise you that

I have taken the liberty of sharing with you that

I want lie or pretend to be surprised when I am not?

It should not come as any surprise that I have

told you up front, I am a man that does not like

to be surprised. But darling, it still grates on

your last nerve that I just will not feign surprise,

or enjoy the ritual of surprise, or will even lie

to you and act surprised. Yes I could let you buy

me a bow tie, not wear it, and then sneak it back

to the store after purchasing an item that I really

wanted, and surprise you with my new gift that I

honestly wanted all the while. Does this surprise

you? I am honestly surprised after all our years

together that you can still find fault with my

need to be told what I am getting as a present,

when getting what I ask for has always made me happy...

after all isn't life just a game with the object

being to make the other person happy? I bet you

were surprised to see that phrase used again?

I know it surprised me.

Diets are not your Forte'

She Said He Said – June 2010 Evince Magazine –

She Said

Another week of confusion on what to fix when you

come over to eat. I know you were on that

100 Days of Healthy Living Diet in the city

because you lost twenty pounds and you were

starting to look like that guy I use to know.

For 6 months I watched you drink low calorie

drinks, eat no bread, eat only one or two cookies

instead of fifteen, and you even walked around

the block a couple of times with the dog and me.

About a week or so ago you started eating heavily

again: hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, real Coke,

ice cream sandwiches every night, and enough Oreo's

to make the cows tired of giving milk. Then this

week you tapered off again because you said you

had a doctor's appointment for your bi-annual check

up and he always chastises you about your weight.

It would be a tremendous help to me if you could

somehow co-ordinate your eating habits.

I want you to choose to be fat or be skinny;

just try to work consistency in the equation

so grocery shopping would be less stressful.

Do I buy the real bacon or the diet bacon,

real butter, or the almost taste like butter but not quite?

I am willing to work with you on the diet or at

least keep quiet until you make up your mind to adopt a

permanent weight loss program. Your fat clothes fit

better now and if you start losing weight again,

your clothes will look droopy and you're forced to

buy more. Of course, shopping more for clothes and

less for food might be a good thing so neither one

of us gains any weight.



He Said

Do you like blue or red? Is a Ford better than

a Chevrolet? You are asking me to comment on

something that is almost impossible to answer.

Yes, I want to be thin and yes, I want to look

good in my clothes, but I am going to tell you

right now that I do have this adoration of food.

I really try not to eat so much, but right after

breakfast everyday, I'm thinking about what can

I eat for lunch, or what we are having for dinner.

I think I need a food psychologist to get me out

of this addiction. I don't ever see you eat dessert,

sweets, cookies, or anything like the bad things I

eat. When I ask you what you weigh, you always slide

by the question and change the subject. If I ask

you if you have lost or gained weight, your answer

is always that you are just maintaining your weight.

You exercise 30 minutes in the morning, and walk

two miles a day with the dog, never eat sweets and

just maintain?

I am beginning to think that maybe you are a closet

eater. Just once I'd like to catch you sneaking

around stuffing Oreo's in your mouth when I'm not

looking. You know I couldn't eat a whole bag of

Oreo's by myself. Don't get me wrong I am not

falsely accusing you of being a closet eater,

I just don't understand that when I slow down

my eating sweets and sodas I lose weight, but

when you never eat that junk, you just maintain.

Maybe I should peek over your shoulder the next

time you weigh. It is not that I don't trust you,

I just need to learn your secret. How can you not

lose weight?

Do you see how easy it is for me to turn my eating

habits around to everything being all about you?

Cool huh?

Riding the Food Train

Evince May 2010 She Said He Said

She Said

Why is it that any time I make a dish with more
than two ingredients, you gag? I had always heard
of a "meat and potatoes man" but you really
carry it to extreme. Cassarole is NOT a four
letter word! In fact, in my other life I planned
cassaroles just so there would be leftovers for
another meal. That's like having a night off
from cooking and cleaning up dishes. No wonder
it never takes us long to go grocery shopping;
we end up eating the same thing every week.
Haven't you heard that variety is the spice of life?
The only time I get to experiment in the kitchen
is when one of our kids is coming for dinner.
I get out recipe books or go online to find
something new that will liven up our taste buds.
Yours are dead. There are supermarkets in
Greensboro that have interesting food selections
that are out of this world and anyone with an
imagination could make a meal that would be a
true epicurian delight. But it would send you
running to McDonalds as fast as your little
legs could carry you. I was shocked when you
ordered frog legs at Steaks on the Square one
night; I thought Nathan was going to have to
carry you out bodily after eating so many of
them. Do you think you could get out of your
comfort zone a little more often? By the way,
they serve meat and potatoes on cruise ships!

He Said

Being the Southern Gentleman that I am
(Fried Chicken and Okra)
I will try and answer you as humbly as I can.
(Mashed potatoes and gravy). I grew up
in a home that served what I like to refer
to as country cooking( Hamhocks and collards).
Many mornings my breakfast consisted of a
peanut butter and egg sandwich and a Coca Cola.
(Pinto beans and onions). I took a sandwich for
lunch and we always had a meat and two vegetables
for supper.(porkchops and apple sauce). So to say
that my palate was unusual would be considered by
some to be right at the top of the the list.
(corn bread and buttermilk).
I surely do not think that you are wrong in
describing your desires for better concocted
meals(Black eyed peas and cream corn) and I
have to agree with you that you certainly deserve
the best in a palatable toothsome meal( apple pie
and vanilla ice cream), but I don't understand
why you think I would enjoy eating casseroles and
tofu ( meat loaf and gravy) when I have surrounded
myself all my life with delectable menu items
of my own(hot dogs with chili) that I have eaten
all my life.(Pinto beans and onions.) Maybe you are
in your comfort zone and you need to experiment
yourself (bannana pudding) and learn to eat foods
that I have enjoyed all my life.(Macaroni and Cheese).
You have just got to learn to take me as I am
(fried tomato pies) and I will work hard to accept
your odd and quirky taste. (Asparagus and salads).
Maybe we can find a cruise ship that has food that
we both can enjoy.
Sometimes I think you are trying to leave me subtle
hints about the kinds of foods you want me to eat.
I would never do that to you. ( chocolate pie)

The Art of Jealousy

She Said He Said Evince Magazine April 2010 –

She Said

By nature I am not a jealous person. Does not go

well with my personality. You being a Libra have

a very friendly attitude toward the female race.

In all fairness you are also very friendly with

other male friends also. What I am trying to

understand from the female prospective is men's

feelings about what they can do as compared in

theory to what is expected of a woman and what

can do. For example,we go into a grocery store,

clothing store or whatever and you speak to everyone

you know. Sometimes you even touch girls on the

arm while you are talking to them. This really

does not bother me because I know you are faithful,

I know you are a tactile person, and you like to

make people around you feel comfortable. That is

also the salesman in you so I am not really complaining.

Let us now walk into the hardware store, let me ask a

man which aisle is the paint to be found , and when

we leave the store I get from you, why didn't you ask

a female clerk, or why did you ask that guy? I ask

that guy because he was the first person I ran into

with an employee shirt on saying “I am George , I

work in this hardware store, ask me a question”.

It is just the difference between men and women.

I am sure there are flirty women in some stores ,

maybe even the hardware store, but I don't think

you are going to go looking for her. But if we do

talk to a women within five seconds you are

giggling like a two year old, smiling your largest

smile, and touching her somewhere just to be

friendly...and please don't get me started on

hugging.


He Said

Caught red handed. You are right as usual. There is

a double parallel or a double standard when it

comes to men and women. I have my own personal

theory if you would like to hear it. Number one

I do not mean to flirt. I am a touchy feely person,

but always in front of you. If I have ever gotten

too close to a stranger or someone in a store they

have never acknowledged it or neither have you. My

theory is this. Women are in control of everything

in their lives, their children's lives and their spouse's

lives. Men on the other hand are insecure, in need

of attention, and would like for everyone to like

them. When I am being friendly I am just being

friendly. I don't control what the women are thinking

or I don't have some alternative motive in my mind.

I can't convince the hardware clerk to go home

with me if she does not want to. You or women

in general can control the situation from your

prospective. If you like a man you can let it

be known. You can hint that you are single.

You can flirt with your eyes , or even

accidentially get too close to him by mistake.

Most men are looking for an opportunity, so even

the kindest act, smallest touch, gives a man an

inkling that you want him to take you home.

I am sure that the clerks that I talk to at

the hardware store does not want or need me

to take them home. Bedsides, when they see

you and I together ,holding hands, sitting

on the same side of the table in a restaurant,

I imagine they get the hint that you and I are

really together. Just so you know, I have not

met another woman in Danville that is as pretty

or as fun as you. Now New York on the other

hand.(lol)

March 2010 Evince Magazine

She Said
By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter should be behind us. Do you remember when we first started dating, you told me that on weekends, your ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well, there are several inches of snow and ice on the ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however, I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately because your hair looks like you were pardoned thirty seconds after the switch was pulled! Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush? Seems like I remember another facebook entry from you stating that "there wouldn't be as many divorces if you tried as hard to keep your partner as you did to get her". We all fall into that marriage mode after a few years and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly, at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice to come in, shower and relax, skipping hairstyling and make-up. I know the way I look doesn't change the way you feel about me and vice versa. Don't worry though, I won't take advantage of your good nature by going to WalMart in hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina where the female population actually goes shopping on Saturday morning with rollers the size of orange juice cans. We can vow to keep each other in check better than that.

He Said

Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer this month , but I will give it the old proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today , I just threw on a toboggan and
hurried over to your house before the snow got too deep, so we could spend the whole day together( I see you over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and washing my hair and coming to your house is the only thing keeping us together , let's stock up on plenty
of Prell shampoo or whatever brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I was probably talking about romance, flowers, cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep their woman happy. I know that when you are not planning on leaving the house your M.O. is to maybe wash your
hair and let it dry naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.

I understand that and to me that would seem to say I know you love me no matter what I look like , so I will just go with my natural look.. however, when I go out, I want to look my best, dressed to the t, so I can know that the world will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best for them.

Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at your best. Maybe I want to see you looking extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you want me to go to any store with you in hairculers is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul, rent a truck, and move you to that little old town in North Carolina where all the women shop with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.

So next time I come over, my hair will be clean, my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean, and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.

You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?

Open Mouth - Insert Foot

She Said

For someone who hates exercise, you sure don't

mind walking around in your mouth. Just yesterday

I started getting these messages on my email and

now on my facebook page about what you have written

so I thought I'd check it out. I know you like

to use philosophical sayings that you steal from

someone else ( sorry...you do give credit sometimes)

or from some book you found at a yard sale. Most of

the time they are cutesy, and I don't remember any

of them having any meaning.

Now all of a sudden you have come up with a saying

about marriage and you have led our friends into

believing that you are against such a fine institution.

I don't know of any person on this earth who loves

marriage more than you do and if this wasn't

true, why would you keep getting married over and

over again? Back to your statement. When I read

the posting, the first thought I had was negative.

I immediately thought "how dare him say such a thing

about me!?" As I said that was my first thought.

My second thought of course was .."What an idiot!".

I thought you were just showing a seamy side of you.

(Note: I said seamy NOT McDreamy) But I know you.

I know how much you love marriage. I know how much

you love, love. I know that you wouldn't make such

a statement and mean it because when you got home...

there I would be. Not that you have to answer to me;

however, if I confronted you and you didn't have a

reasonable explanation, it would be...”.Lucy you've

got some 'splainin to do”. So I am just going to

let it go this time because I know how playful you

can be and I know without a shadow of a doubt that

you didn't mean...” a wedding ring is the smallest

handcuff in the world” to be about us. I'm sure

it's about some other couple you felt sorry for

and were just trying to make them feel better.

You WERE trying to make someone else feel better...right?





He Said



To be perfectly honest with you, I never gave a thought

about us when I wrote that little saying.

I just thought it was funny and that all my friends

would be laughing. A couple of things happened after

I wrote this.

A...My friends didn't read it, yours did.

B. None of your friends thought it was funny.

They started emailing and face booking you about

what a slug I was. As you know I would never hurt you

intentionally and I really thought you would never

see it anyway so what the heck.

Now I see that most of your friends and a lot of

my friends think I am a selfish, one sided, don't

care anything at all about marriage type of guy.

As my friends all say ...marriage is a fine institution

if you're ready for an institution. You can see I

was careful to give my friends the credit for such a

slanderous statement. I love marriage. Some of my

best friends are married. There are probably a

couple of them who think that their wedding ring

is a handcuff. Not me. I think it is a strong sign of

true love between two people who are proud to show

the world how much they love each other by agreeing

to wear a chain, I mean a cross, I mean a wedding

ring as proof of their feelings for one another.

Hopefully some day you and I will be able to show

the world how much we really care about each other

by wearing a ring cuff, I mean a wedding ring.

What Happened this Year?

She Said

About a week ago it was January, 2009, and we were
planning our year. Now it is January, 2010, and
I don't feel like I have accomplished as much as
I wanted to. I had so many projects planned and
so many ideas about what I wanted to get done in
2009 and somewhere along the way, the year vanished.
Did you steal my year from me? I dislike having to
blame you every time something happens, but really
aren't you the culprit who is usually at fault?
You're a nice guy with a lot of friends and you
love to be the apple dumpling of the FaceBook crowd,
but the idea of stealing a whole year from me, just
tarnishes my view of your charming personality.
I know you are not a thief and I know you wouldn't
do it on purpose but I have lost a lot of valuable
time here and since I don't know where it is,
it must be your fault. I have to say that this year
was a good year though since we still have our good
health, and some of our parents are still with us.
I am not complaining so much as I am wondering out
loud where all the time went. So if you have some
way of making all of this up to me, now would be
the time to do it. I need about three more hours
in the day to get my projects done and then I'll
be happy.
　
He Said

You know the old adage "Time flies when you're
having fun"? You must be having a ball! As we
get older time just flies by a bit more quickly;
everyone over fifty knows that. Where have you
been? Time passing by isn't a problem for me...
getting blamed for everything is the problem.
Must I always be your scapegoat? Some of the
TIME, I don't mind being blamed for things but
stealing a whole year is not my fault and I'll
stand my ground on this one.
I'll admit that I have encouraged you to slow
down, not tackle so many projects, and spend
more time with me just relaxing but most of
the time that hasn't happened. You should
spend more time grazing on the front porch,
sipping cool drinks, and taking trips and
then maybe your year would have dragged by
as mine did.
I am so well rested, I could run a marathon.
We're not getting any younger which means time
will continue to fly by like the wind. Before
you know it, we'll be 100 years old with no
friends, strangers will be feeding us, changing
Depends. and pushing our wheelchairs while
you're bellyaching about not having enough time
to put a new roof on the house or clean the
basement. Fifty years from now, it won't matter
anyway. So start taking it easy...come home
from school, take off your shoes, make dinner,
wash the dishes, fold the clothes, walk to
the dog, and go grocery shopping. THEN we can
settle down in a nice Lazyboy chair, cuddle
up and watch TV. If you would slow down a
little, I promise you would enjoy
life more...or at least longer.