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Tuesday, July 17, 2012
It's a Face Book Thing
She SaidMay 2012
Would you please tell me what is going on between
you and the 2nd Love of Your Life: FACEBOOK!?
If you would spend as much time organizing
your "valuable possessions" as you do eavesdropping
on other peoples' business, we would be able to
walk around the house without stumbling.
There is an impression of your backside on the sofa
where you sit and scroll around Facebook so much.
You're on it at 5:00 AM and when you come home from
work, the first thing you do is go to Facebook.
WHO IS SHE? There has to be a female involved for
any man to spend as much time "courting" as you seem
to. You have 3000 "friends" so I know it takes time
to keep up with what all of them are doing. What if
I fell and broke a leg or something? Would I have
to wait until you took a break so you could take me
to the doctor? Why would anyone want so many "friends"
when you don't know a third of them? Seriously, you do
post funny sayings once in a while and your Bible
verses are useful but it doesn't take that long to look
them up, type them, and you should be done. You say you
don't read many comments from other people so where do
you go? I can go for days and not look at Facebook and
when I do log in, it's to see what my friends are doing.
I certainly don't have 3000. I do like finding people
I haven't heard from in years and getting caught up with
them and I also like being able to pick and choose who I
want to friend. The only people I block are the ones who
feel it necessary to post what they ate for breakfast and
what time they brushed their teeth. Who cares?
Oh, I forgot, you do.
He Said
Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.
Several years ago someone ask me to join Facebook. I
thought it was pretty interesting so I joined. The
very first time I showed it to you , you commented
"looks like a place to pick up girls to me". We weren't
even married then and I instantly shut it down and
did not go back to it until a a year later when a mutual
friend of ours wanted to give her husband a surprise
birthday party at Myrtle Beach and ask me to emcee
it and wanted to correspond on face book because he was
not it and she knew she could invite people privately.
You resisted going on face book for years and when you
finally gave in, you have thoroughly enjoyed it even
though you seldom post . You do stalk all of our friends
and you tell all the times things that you see on there
that you want to share with me. Let me ask you a question.
How many men have you picked up so far on face book or how
many men have picked you up? If the answer is zero then
you and I are tied. In my four years of being on face book
not one person has tried to solicit me to do whatever.
Face book for me is a social networking site where friends
can share their lives. Yes some post more intelligent post
than others I agree, but that is important to them so
they post what they feel. I have many face book friends
because we share common interest or mutual admiration for
each others post. I do try to go on face book while
you are getting ready or not home from work yet. That is
called consideration. That also is why I don't mind the
people who tell me they brushed their teeth. I am just
being considerate of their needs. Maybe it's just a
face book thing.
I Know I Should....But
She Said by Dena Hill April 2012
I know I should… but
I know how sensitive you can be and I know you can't
help it because you're a man. I’ve been thinking
recently about some of your problems and this one
came to mind: You are full of excuses and even
though I can put up with this, I find it hard to
deal with your whining all the time. I have come
to the conclusion that the problem is you don't
realize you're doing it. I've decided, being the
kind wife that I am, to gingerly remind you of the
little things you could do that would make you a
better person. (I could retire if I had a dollar
for every time you've said, " I know I should....but.”)
1. I know I should exercise, but…
2. I know I shouldn't drink so many sodas, but....
3. I know I should help you more around the house, but....
4. I know I should empty the garbage, but....
5. I know I should stop collecting so many things, but....
6. I know I shouldn't eat so much candy, but....
7. I know I shouldn't talk so much, but...
8. I know I should hang up my clothes, but...
9. I know I should spend less time on facebook, but...
10. I know I should draw and paint more, but...
This sounds like Letterman's top ten list and I can't
wait to hear your response. I know I shouldn't nag you
but....it's fun!
He Said by Larry Oldham
What I have heard all my life is: don't try to change
the person you marry. There are many men in the world
and I think that women as a whole should try and find
just the right man to fit into their perfect lives.
If you talk to 90% of the new brides around town,
they will probably tell you that they found that man
in their new husbands.
As the old saying goes, love is blind. It definitely
is blind going down the aisle to the wedding altar.
A few years later, you find that new bride making a
list of all the things he did or did not do-- as you
can see by the current list that you have just handed me.
I know I should answer each accusation.....but I won't.
No, I will just defend my honor and all men's honor by
saying one thing…maybe two. You knew all of these things
before we were married. You either liked me because of
all of these things, or you thought you could change me
and help me to do the right thing. I know I am probably
looking at this from only my perspective...but how else
can I look at it? I know I should try and see it your
way....but. You see where I am going with all these buts?
I don't consider this nagging. I do consider this just
some levity in your dull school teaching day. I know
that you could really write what is bothering you ...
but you don't want to air our dirty laundry in public.
Excuse me, my dirty laundry. You keep all your
clothes washed and ironed. I hate to rush off, but
I have got to pick up my clothes at the laundry.
I know I shouldn't have said that...but it's fun.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
The Trailblazing Side of Camping
She Said He Said-March 2012
She Said
This month is focusing on the "Voice of Trailblazers"
and I can hardly wait to hear a friend of ours VOICING
her response to the fact that you're considering the
purchase of a camper. She has been trying to convince
you to keep an open mind about camping for years and you've
had nothing positive to say about it. You don't like
the outdoors, you don't like to sweat, in fact, you don't
like to exert any energy at all when you travel...just
hand you a key to a hotel room and open the door. You don't
want to clean before leaving or listen to people
talking in close proximity to you. Heaven forbid that you
should have to walk to a bathhouse for a shower, etc.
And cooking outside over a campfire would completely freak
you out. Well, I'm ecstatic to finally see you're getting
out of your comfort zone and blazing a new trail.
First of all, you don't have to be outside unless you
want to be.
Sitting under the canopy and watching all of the goings
on in the campground is entertaining and some of the
friendliest people ever like to camp so you'll have plenty
of temporary neighbors to talk to.
About sweating and exerting energy, the campground will set
it up and take it down for you. Not surprising but the
camper we are looking at has its own bathroom so you won't
have to be inconvenienced by walking to a bathhouse. About
cooking over a campfire, I've found that food is delicious
cooked over coals probably because it's more work and by the
time it's ready, everyone is starving. However, this camper
has a stove, microwave, sink, etc., so you shouldn't have
to watch me working myself to death digging a trench,
starting a fire, and hoping I don't burn your food.
(Never mind that I might burn myself!)
One of my favorite things about camping is listening to
the birds singing in the morning and the cicadas chirping
at night. So, I'm really proud of you for considering this
lifestyle change...who knows what lies around
the corner next, OUTSIDE of your frame of reference.
He Said
I wouldn't say that I am blazing new trails, I would
just say that the new way of camping is different from
what you have told me before, with all the digging,
fighting chiggers, freezing to death or burning up while
outside tending to the burning food being cooked in a ditch.
Now someone has offered us a camper with central air
and heat and all the amenities that I need. This I thought
I could handle. But since we have taken a weekend trip to
Myrtle Beach and talked to several campgrounds representatives,
I am not so certain about this camping thing. Don't get me
wrong, I do want to make you happy, but I can think of other
trailblazing ways to accomplish that instead of camping.
Here is what our research has revealed. I would have to pay
a annual fee to store the camper. I would have to pay some
yahoo a fee to set up the camper and take it down. I would
have to pay a daily fee every day that we are on the campground.
I (or more likely, you) would have to dump the toilet waste
or pay someone to do it. I would have to mingle with our neighbor
who is basically sleeping an arms' length away from us. We
would have to be in the campgrounds by a certain time or they
lock the gate, and we would have to park the car outside and walk
to your camp site. I haven't had a curfew in decades!
I believe that is about all the trailblazing that I can take
this month, and I am really leaning toward continuing to take
advantage of all my friends who own their own place inside of
a nice building with privacy, warmth and cheap prices. I will
leave the art of camping to all the camping trailblazers of the
world which is probably not going to include
Sir Camp- A- Lot (that would be me.)
She Said
This month is focusing on the "Voice of Trailblazers"
and I can hardly wait to hear a friend of ours VOICING
her response to the fact that you're considering the
purchase of a camper. She has been trying to convince
you to keep an open mind about camping for years and you've
had nothing positive to say about it. You don't like
the outdoors, you don't like to sweat, in fact, you don't
like to exert any energy at all when you travel...just
hand you a key to a hotel room and open the door. You don't
want to clean before leaving or listen to people
talking in close proximity to you. Heaven forbid that you
should have to walk to a bathhouse for a shower, etc.
And cooking outside over a campfire would completely freak
you out. Well, I'm ecstatic to finally see you're getting
out of your comfort zone and blazing a new trail.
First of all, you don't have to be outside unless you
want to be.
Sitting under the canopy and watching all of the goings
on in the campground is entertaining and some of the
friendliest people ever like to camp so you'll have plenty
of temporary neighbors to talk to.
About sweating and exerting energy, the campground will set
it up and take it down for you. Not surprising but the
camper we are looking at has its own bathroom so you won't
have to be inconvenienced by walking to a bathhouse. About
cooking over a campfire, I've found that food is delicious
cooked over coals probably because it's more work and by the
time it's ready, everyone is starving. However, this camper
has a stove, microwave, sink, etc., so you shouldn't have
to watch me working myself to death digging a trench,
starting a fire, and hoping I don't burn your food.
(Never mind that I might burn myself!)
One of my favorite things about camping is listening to
the birds singing in the morning and the cicadas chirping
at night. So, I'm really proud of you for considering this
lifestyle change...who knows what lies around
the corner next, OUTSIDE of your frame of reference.
He Said
I wouldn't say that I am blazing new trails, I would
just say that the new way of camping is different from
what you have told me before, with all the digging,
fighting chiggers, freezing to death or burning up while
outside tending to the burning food being cooked in a ditch.
Now someone has offered us a camper with central air
and heat and all the amenities that I need. This I thought
I could handle. But since we have taken a weekend trip to
Myrtle Beach and talked to several campgrounds representatives,
I am not so certain about this camping thing. Don't get me
wrong, I do want to make you happy, but I can think of other
trailblazing ways to accomplish that instead of camping.
Here is what our research has revealed. I would have to pay
a annual fee to store the camper. I would have to pay some
yahoo a fee to set up the camper and take it down. I would
have to pay a daily fee every day that we are on the campground.
I (or more likely, you) would have to dump the toilet waste
or pay someone to do it. I would have to mingle with our neighbor
who is basically sleeping an arms' length away from us. We
would have to be in the campgrounds by a certain time or they
lock the gate, and we would have to park the car outside and walk
to your camp site. I haven't had a curfew in decades!
I believe that is about all the trailblazing that I can take
this month, and I am really leaning toward continuing to take
advantage of all my friends who own their own place inside of
a nice building with privacy, warmth and cheap prices. I will
leave the art of camping to all the camping trailblazers of the
world which is probably not going to include
Sir Camp- A- Lot (that would be me.)
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Music, Manners, and Ice Cream
She Said He Said Feb. 2012
She Said
Since February is the month of love I thought that since I am always picking on you, you can admit it is pretty easy pickings, I thought that this month I would tell you some of the qualities that I find most endearing about you. That about concludes the list so now we can go on to other subjects. Just kidding you. It is a pleasure to be with a man who respects women. You are chivalrous to me and to other women around you, always offering to help with putting on a coat, or offering to open the door for me and sometimes even pulling out my chair at a restaurant, which sometimes scares me because my brother use to pull my chair out from under me and I worry you might find that humorous sometime. The other thing I enjoy about you and us is our enjoyment of the same kind of music. Music that we can dance to, and music that we can identify with that brings back so many wonderful memories. What other man would play our favorite song on the radio and then after the song ends, propose marriage to me live on the radio? You put some thought into that and because of it I agreed to marry you and live with you for the rest of our lives. We can listen to the Four Tops, Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel , Righteous Brothers, and so many other groups from our era and relive precious times from high school up till today. Another wonderful trait is your willing to take me to my favorite ice cream shop as often as I will let you and buy me ice cream. Every night when I come home late from work you never say “what’s for supper”, you always say first , “do you want to go out to supper”, and if I say no then you say “what’s for supper”? There are many qualities that make you shine in my eyes and I just wanted for Valentine’s to let you know I love you and that you are appreciated….sometimes.
He Said
What a wonderful Valentine surprise. Most of the time I spend defending myself in this column and here you are today giving me compliments. I know that you loved the pearls I gave you for our anniversary, nice trick telling me that the first year gift was jewelry instead of paper. My first reaction to your post is that you are buttering me up for a nice Valentine gift. Well that won’t work because I have already purchased a nice Valentine card for you that even sings. I do like what you say and I feel the same way about you. You are honest, trustworthy , a good homemaker, and I can honestly say that my mother loves you for who you are. Taking her with you shopping and helping her to pick out clothes for her goes the extra step in mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships. Every time we go to visit my mother you either fix something for her or ask her if there is anything you can do for her. Cooking a full course meal for my sister and brother-in-law and having them visit our house AFTER Christmas says a lot about the quality of person that you sets you apart from many others. My children love you and all of my family thinks you are special. This means a lot to me. I would also tell you that it is very refreshing not to hear all about my bad traits for once. Maybe we should celebrate Valentine and love more often in this column. No, then no one would want to read about our good side, it is a whole lot more interesting to read about the bad side. At least more humorous. Happy Valentine’s anyway, but just for this one column.
She Said
Since February is the month of love I thought that since I am always picking on you, you can admit it is pretty easy pickings, I thought that this month I would tell you some of the qualities that I find most endearing about you. That about concludes the list so now we can go on to other subjects. Just kidding you. It is a pleasure to be with a man who respects women. You are chivalrous to me and to other women around you, always offering to help with putting on a coat, or offering to open the door for me and sometimes even pulling out my chair at a restaurant, which sometimes scares me because my brother use to pull my chair out from under me and I worry you might find that humorous sometime. The other thing I enjoy about you and us is our enjoyment of the same kind of music. Music that we can dance to, and music that we can identify with that brings back so many wonderful memories. What other man would play our favorite song on the radio and then after the song ends, propose marriage to me live on the radio? You put some thought into that and because of it I agreed to marry you and live with you for the rest of our lives. We can listen to the Four Tops, Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel , Righteous Brothers, and so many other groups from our era and relive precious times from high school up till today. Another wonderful trait is your willing to take me to my favorite ice cream shop as often as I will let you and buy me ice cream. Every night when I come home late from work you never say “what’s for supper”, you always say first , “do you want to go out to supper”, and if I say no then you say “what’s for supper”? There are many qualities that make you shine in my eyes and I just wanted for Valentine’s to let you know I love you and that you are appreciated….sometimes.
He Said
What a wonderful Valentine surprise. Most of the time I spend defending myself in this column and here you are today giving me compliments. I know that you loved the pearls I gave you for our anniversary, nice trick telling me that the first year gift was jewelry instead of paper. My first reaction to your post is that you are buttering me up for a nice Valentine gift. Well that won’t work because I have already purchased a nice Valentine card for you that even sings. I do like what you say and I feel the same way about you. You are honest, trustworthy , a good homemaker, and I can honestly say that my mother loves you for who you are. Taking her with you shopping and helping her to pick out clothes for her goes the extra step in mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships. Every time we go to visit my mother you either fix something for her or ask her if there is anything you can do for her. Cooking a full course meal for my sister and brother-in-law and having them visit our house AFTER Christmas says a lot about the quality of person that you sets you apart from many others. My children love you and all of my family thinks you are special. This means a lot to me. I would also tell you that it is very refreshing not to hear all about my bad traits for once. Maybe we should celebrate Valentine and love more often in this column. No, then no one would want to read about our good side, it is a whole lot more interesting to read about the bad side. At least more humorous. Happy Valentine’s anyway, but just for this one column.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Marriage and the Art of Backing Up -January 2012
She Said
It's a brand new year and a time to look forward to all
of the wonderful possibilities life has to offer; but I
want to take a brief look backward, literally.
At least that's what the highway patrolman told me when
I was sixteen years old and taking my driving road test.
I didn't see anywhere in the manual where there was a specific
time that a driver HAD to look backward when the car was moving
in reverse. I've learned since then that it's any time the car
is backing up. He had the audacity to tell me that I turned
around before I stopped the car completely. Of course I did,
my neck was tired.
And then as we traveled further down the road, there happened
to be a railroad crossing. I heard the train and I saw the track
but it didn't really click in my mind that I should stop until
the last minute.
Fortunately, I managed to come to a smooth stop without slamming
on brakes and ejecting my very important passenger. With his hand
on the door handle, he said "Whew! I didn't think you saw the sign
or heard the train coming". I assured him that I was in control.
When a very nervous blue uniformed guardian of the people got back
to the highway patrol station, he solemnly handed me my license
but also told me that he hoped my parents wouldn't let me drive.
I've always believed that people learn a lot during a testing
situation and I never forgot those two traffic rules. Now, here
is one of those rare times when I have to pay you a huge
compliment...I'm always impressed when I see you back a car,
truck, or bus in reverse. (Except, when you backed a U-Haul
truck into the corner of my house) You don't turn around;
you're adept at using mirrors and do it perfectly. You never
turn around when you're backing out of the driveway or a parking
space.I guess that comes with such rigid training for driving
a school bus when you were 16 years old.
I can tell you right now that the state of Virginia would
probably pay me NOT to drive a bus because when I turn around
and see 50 pairs of eyes staring frantically at me when I'm
trying to back up, I might just park that yellow monster and
walk the students home.
He Said
Thank you for the compliment and you're right... I have never
had a problem backing up. I can't say that about moving forward
though when it comes to driving. The day I turned sixteen and
got my license I went to see a friend so that we could go for
a ride in my parents' car. He wasn't at home and I had pulled
in his driveway. So as I backed out, I hit the car parked across
the street at his neighbors house. I proceeded to leave the
scene of the crime and drive back home. There was no damage,
thankfully, but I had learned lesson. Yes, I had my drivers
license but that didn't make me a good driver. Sort of like
marriage, I guess. You have a marriage license but that doesn't
mean you know how to have a good marriage.
So as you reflect back about your driving skills or lack of
knowledge about how to back up, I will reflect on our first year
of marriage and how it has flown by. Both of your sons were
married, one in Chapel Hill and one in Charlotte. Thank God
for your daughter's help or we would never had made it through
their weddings and definitely not through our own.
You even survived your youngest sons' commissioning in the Navy
without too many tears.
We got though the year after hitting a deer on the highway late at
night and being stranded while waiting for a tow truck. We got
through Halloween for the first time in thirteen years of not
giving out candy because we were out of town.We got through the
year without gaining too much weight. So all in all we both moved
forward without backing up and we made it through our first year
of marriage.
Amazingly we are still married and even though we don't
have a monster yellow bus, we do have two cars that prevent us
from having to walk, even though one of them still has deer
tracks on it.
Happy New Year Darling.
Christmas Forgiveness - December 2011
She Said He Said December Evince Magazine.2011 Christmas Forgiveness
She Said
December is here and the house is filled with laughter, Christmas
music, a beautiful tree, and decorations both inside and outside.
I would like to say that there was joy in putting all of this
together and that we shared those special moments of bliss. I
would like to say that, but I can't. The priority scale in your
life and the priority scale in my life are miles apart. I mean
I love you and all that mushy stuff, but what does it take to
get a man to help around the house? Who said it was the woman's
responsibility to keep the house in order or, in this case, do
all of the decorating? I don't have the space here to name all
of the things that I do and all of the things that you don't do.
Is this just a man thing? I would think that at Christmas time
you would want to put forth a little extra effort to impress me
so that just maybe you would find a little something extra under
the tree.
When I couldn't get a string of lights to work, I changed the
fuses while you drank egg nog and ate cookies. When I connected
the "runway" in the front yard, instead of you helping me with
all of the lights, your back conveniently ached. When I began
wrapping gifts for your family,all I saw of you was your backside
running out the door. I am not asking you to prepare a meal
or make the bed, but I've told you before that picking up your
socks won't give you a hernia. Once when I asked you to empty the
garbage, you said you didn't know it was garbage day. Here's a news
flash: garbage pickup is on Thursdays...EVERY Thursday not just
once a year. An added note: if you'll be a good little boy, you
might just find a little something special under the tree this
year...that you onceagain did not help decorate.
He Said
Christmas is a time for forgiveness. We should all learn to love
one another, especially at this time of year. We should work harder
to please each other because we are in love. You and I, still being
on our honeymoon, should work harder to make each other happy. For
this reason I'm going to forgive you for being so negative during
the holidays. This is a time of reflection about all of the good
in our lives, and how we should be helping others less fortunate.
This is a time to look upon each other as soul mates and true friends
forevermore. Why you want to dwell on the negative aspects of life
and bring all of us down into this dreary pit escapes me at this moment.
You don't hear me picking on all your bad traits. I am trying to bring
harmony and peace into the home. You are trying to bring fireworks
and the idea that I would stoop so low as to try an earn your love and
affection with fake cleaning, and pretending to put decorations on the
tree, or scooping up the garbage cans to prove some type of point.
Why would I want to win favors with you only to get presents? That
just isn't me. I will continue to live my life making you happy and
filling your days with pleasure all year long. I want you to know that
I forgive you for trying to make me feel bad, especially during this
holiday season. I hope everyone out there has seen the follies of your
suggestions and will disregard and forgive you of your shortcomings.
I want you to know that I willbuy you a present this year without any
strings attached, because that's just the kind of man I am.
Merry Christmas to you darling, I forgive you.
She Said
December is here and the house is filled with laughter, Christmas
music, a beautiful tree, and decorations both inside and outside.
I would like to say that there was joy in putting all of this
together and that we shared those special moments of bliss. I
would like to say that, but I can't. The priority scale in your
life and the priority scale in my life are miles apart. I mean
I love you and all that mushy stuff, but what does it take to
get a man to help around the house? Who said it was the woman's
responsibility to keep the house in order or, in this case, do
all of the decorating? I don't have the space here to name all
of the things that I do and all of the things that you don't do.
Is this just a man thing? I would think that at Christmas time
you would want to put forth a little extra effort to impress me
so that just maybe you would find a little something extra under
the tree.
When I couldn't get a string of lights to work, I changed the
fuses while you drank egg nog and ate cookies. When I connected
the "runway" in the front yard, instead of you helping me with
all of the lights, your back conveniently ached. When I began
wrapping gifts for your family,all I saw of you was your backside
running out the door. I am not asking you to prepare a meal
or make the bed, but I've told you before that picking up your
socks won't give you a hernia. Once when I asked you to empty the
garbage, you said you didn't know it was garbage day. Here's a news
flash: garbage pickup is on Thursdays...EVERY Thursday not just
once a year. An added note: if you'll be a good little boy, you
might just find a little something special under the tree this
year...that you onceagain did not help decorate.
He Said
Christmas is a time for forgiveness. We should all learn to love
one another, especially at this time of year. We should work harder
to please each other because we are in love. You and I, still being
on our honeymoon, should work harder to make each other happy. For
this reason I'm going to forgive you for being so negative during
the holidays. This is a time of reflection about all of the good
in our lives, and how we should be helping others less fortunate.
This is a time to look upon each other as soul mates and true friends
forevermore. Why you want to dwell on the negative aspects of life
and bring all of us down into this dreary pit escapes me at this moment.
You don't hear me picking on all your bad traits. I am trying to bring
harmony and peace into the home. You are trying to bring fireworks
and the idea that I would stoop so low as to try an earn your love and
affection with fake cleaning, and pretending to put decorations on the
tree, or scooping up the garbage cans to prove some type of point.
Why would I want to win favors with you only to get presents? That
just isn't me. I will continue to live my life making you happy and
filling your days with pleasure all year long. I want you to know that
I forgive you for trying to make me feel bad, especially during this
holiday season. I hope everyone out there has seen the follies of your
suggestions and will disregard and forgive you of your shortcomings.
I want you to know that I willbuy you a present this year without any
strings attached, because that's just the kind of man I am.
Merry Christmas to you darling, I forgive you.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Art of Aging Gracefully
She Said
You taught a Sunday School lesson last month about the aging
process as described in Ecclesiastes and how true it is today
since you have now reached the magical age of 65. Instead
of groaning every time you stand up or sit down, you could
do some flexibility exercises to loosen up your creaky bones.
I am firmly convinced that by eating healthier food and
exercising daily, you could eventually eliminate blood pressure
medication. Instead of driving along beside me while I walk,
you could don a pair of tennis shoes and join me.
When you drop something, instead of pretending you don't see it,
bend over and pick it up. Of course you need to learn how to
bend over and stretch those old hamstrings. You told me the
other day that you noticed a difference in the volume of your
voice as you are getting older. You enjoy talking so much...do
you think you've used it all up? What about your hearing?
Recently at Charles and Kimberly's wedding, you missed an
entire conversation AND IT WAS ABOUT YOU! You just smiled
and nodded your head. I don't mind your gray hair because you
look more distinguished than you did when we were 16 years old.
But as long as they keep putting hair color in bottles, I'll
never be gray. Obviously we all share similarities and changes
as we grow older. We're not as agile as we once were and it
takes us longer to make decisions (for example, in a restaurant
tonight you couldn't make up your mind about what to order!)
but we're stumbling merrily along and frustrating the younger
generation waiting on us. During this month of Thanksgiving,
I'm just thankful that we're living with only the afflictions
we have, and that we can laugh about it together.
He Said
Let's look at the big picture, shall we? My mother had nine
brothers and sisters. Her mother lived to be 90. My mother is
presently 84 and my Dad is 90. My cardiologist told me that I
have great genes and every six months when I visit him, he
says the same thing: "whatever you're doing, keep it up because
it is really working for you." My father had never done
flexibility exercises. My mother has never eaten healthy food
or exercised daily. All of my aunts and uncles who lived to
be in their late 80's and 90's never ate tofu and salads instead
of a real meal. I take that back. The one uncle who rode his
bike every day and ate healthy food along with exercising,
died in his 70's. So I would say that in my family, we have
the propensity to eat what we want without exercising and live
to a ripe old age. If we don't, as my uncle's life can attest
to, we might die early. I hear what you're saying and I appreciate
very much your concern about my health. Saying that, I would
like to remind you that you could have spoken in positive terms
as easily. You could have mentioned that I lost 13 pounds last
month. You could have mentioned that I took a day off last
month to help you set up the rehearsal dinner in Charlotte at
your son's wedding.You could have mentioned that I stood around
patiently while you gossiped with all of your relatives and
friends from a previous life without one complaint. But since
you didn't see it that way, I guess my only solution would be to
trade you in on another model. No, not cuter, not younger but
maybe a newer model who recognizes all of my attributes that
other women adore. OK...maybe they don't exist but since it is
so close to Christmas, a person can wish, can't he?
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Mr Speeder (not Mr. Speedo)
She Said He Said Evince Oct. 2011
She Said
You come home from work looking all dejected, sad eyed,
and looking like you lost your best friend.
I figured you got fired or someone had upset your
fragile ego.(haha). When I ask what was wrong you
proceeded to tell me that you had gotten a speeding
ticket. I do not want to be the one that says to you
that I told you so, but I really could have said those
words right then. I know that as a man, as all men do,
you feel that your ability to drive and drive well
exceeds the hopes of most people in the world,
especially women. How many times have I told you to
slow down or there is a policeman, you better be
careful. Many times on the highway your excuse is
well everyone around me is speeding so why shouldn't I?
Why can't you be more like your father when he was
driving. He always did fifty five on the highway and
thirty five in town. To my knowledge your father or
your mother never got a speeding ticket so why should
you? We do not get there any faster when you pass a
car, speed ahead , only to get behind someone who
is doing the speed limit and you are forced to slow
down to the speed limit because of them. Maybe this
ticket that you have to pay for one hundred and sixty
two dollars will finally slow you down. I can tell
you that ticket cost is not in our budget this month,
and you are not going to take the money out of my
food money, so you better get out the old lawnmower
and start mowing the neighbors grass to pick up a
few coins to pay your speeding ticket.
He Said
I am not going to say that I was caught in a speed
trap, but even the nice officer said the speed limit
use to be thirty five , but had been changed to twenty
five recently. I was doing thirty eight according to
him in a twenty five mile an hour zone. If you take
into account that it use to be thirty five , then I
was only three miles over the speed limit. Either way
I was speeding, I accept that fact, and my fate is
that I must pay the speeding ticket. I can take that
because I believe in standing up for what is proper
and right. I was speeding , I admit it but don't you
think I should have been cut some slack because I
thought it was a thirty five MPH zone? You probably
don't and neither did the nice policeman. I did not
offer him a bribe , I just ask how long it had been
since they changed it. He did not answer but he did
tell me he was there to capture felons like myself
that were a nuisance to the neighborhood. I ask him
if he was sure it was me because there were other
cars on the road , and he told me radar doesn't lie.
I said does it ever make a mistake and he put his
hands on his handcuffs and I instantly shut-up. I
think getting the ticket in reality was a good thing
for two reasons. The first and main one is that it
has made me more aware of the speed limit signs on
every street and made me slow down. The other reason
is that it showed me that once and a while you can
be right. For that reason I was wondering if we might
have some discussion about my getting a loan from the
food jar money?
She Said
You come home from work looking all dejected, sad eyed,
and looking like you lost your best friend.
I figured you got fired or someone had upset your
fragile ego.(haha). When I ask what was wrong you
proceeded to tell me that you had gotten a speeding
ticket. I do not want to be the one that says to you
that I told you so, but I really could have said those
words right then. I know that as a man, as all men do,
you feel that your ability to drive and drive well
exceeds the hopes of most people in the world,
especially women. How many times have I told you to
slow down or there is a policeman, you better be
careful. Many times on the highway your excuse is
well everyone around me is speeding so why shouldn't I?
Why can't you be more like your father when he was
driving. He always did fifty five on the highway and
thirty five in town. To my knowledge your father or
your mother never got a speeding ticket so why should
you? We do not get there any faster when you pass a
car, speed ahead , only to get behind someone who
is doing the speed limit and you are forced to slow
down to the speed limit because of them. Maybe this
ticket that you have to pay for one hundred and sixty
two dollars will finally slow you down. I can tell
you that ticket cost is not in our budget this month,
and you are not going to take the money out of my
food money, so you better get out the old lawnmower
and start mowing the neighbors grass to pick up a
few coins to pay your speeding ticket.
He Said
I am not going to say that I was caught in a speed
trap, but even the nice officer said the speed limit
use to be thirty five , but had been changed to twenty
five recently. I was doing thirty eight according to
him in a twenty five mile an hour zone. If you take
into account that it use to be thirty five , then I
was only three miles over the speed limit. Either way
I was speeding, I accept that fact, and my fate is
that I must pay the speeding ticket. I can take that
because I believe in standing up for what is proper
and right. I was speeding , I admit it but don't you
think I should have been cut some slack because I
thought it was a thirty five MPH zone? You probably
don't and neither did the nice policeman. I did not
offer him a bribe , I just ask how long it had been
since they changed it. He did not answer but he did
tell me he was there to capture felons like myself
that were a nuisance to the neighborhood. I ask him
if he was sure it was me because there were other
cars on the road , and he told me radar doesn't lie.
I said does it ever make a mistake and he put his
hands on his handcuffs and I instantly shut-up. I
think getting the ticket in reality was a good thing
for two reasons. The first and main one is that it
has made me more aware of the speed limit signs on
every street and made me slow down. The other reason
is that it showed me that once and a while you can
be right. For that reason I was wondering if we might
have some discussion about my getting a loan from the
food jar money?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Talking Too Much
She Said Evince Magazine September 2011
She Said
When I moved to Danville to be with you one of my concerns
was the fact that I would be moving to a place where I knew
no one and no one knew me. You had already established many
friendships since moving here and it concerned me that we
would be with your friends and I would be left alone.
You have done a fairly good job of introducing me to your
friends and when we are out and in the city and people come
up and talk you always introduce me(if you can remember
their names). I know we both get a lot of people coming up
to us and mentioning the column and some we know and others
we don't. The reason for all of this information is that you
seem to be worse when we go out about leaving
me and going from table to table to talk or shake someone's
hand. I am not a jealous person but standing around waiting
for you to leave a restaurant or a store can be pretty boring
after a while. The other night as we were leaving a restaurant
I was embarrassed, not only for me , but for the other two
couples that were with us. While you strolled through the
restaurant shaking hands, telling your wild tales, and looking
like you were running for office, I did not know how to
explain to our friends that this is a common occurrence and
I just usually wait for you to run your course. They did not
seem dismayed and sort of laughed it off as ,well this is just
Larry. All I am asking is that you be more considerate of me,
but more importantly, be considerate of our friends that we
are dining with. I hope you will take this as constructive
criticism instead of turning it around and making it about
me as you usually do.
He Said
You know what they say about the grass always looking greener
on the other side? Good, because this is nothing about that.
I guess in a round about way you are right. It was very
unthoughtful of me to do this with you or our friends. In
my defense, you married me for better or worse.
The argument could be made, was this the better or the worse.
For the better I was cementing my and or your relationships
with everyone that I spoke to. Many of our friends and
business people were in that restaurant that night and I
felt obligated and also wanted to speak to each and every
one. Once you have spoken to one person if you don't speak
to the others they might think I was avoiding them or was
upset with them for some reason. This is not to take away
from the fact that I genuinely wanted to speak to each and
every one of them and I also wanted to speak to the Chef
to let him know that we enjoyed our meal. For the worse end
of the deal, I did leave you to entertain our friends and
left them out on the sidewalk waiting to say goodbye and
that was not fair to you or to them and for that I apologize.
Hopefully they will read the column and see how sincere
and apologetic I am to do this in public. I guess I should
have been a politician instead of a guru of marketing in
our town. Maybe this will get me on the right track of
where my life should be going. I saw in the paper that
the city is looking for a dog catcher, although that is
probably not the politically correct name, maybe I
could apply for that opening...then I can be known as
the guru of pets. I would also be hated for picking up
wandering pets of our friends ,then no one would speak
to us in restaurants and we would have no friends and
people would boo us as we left the restaurant. Is this
really what you want?
She Said
When I moved to Danville to be with you one of my concerns
was the fact that I would be moving to a place where I knew
no one and no one knew me. You had already established many
friendships since moving here and it concerned me that we
would be with your friends and I would be left alone.
You have done a fairly good job of introducing me to your
friends and when we are out and in the city and people come
up and talk you always introduce me(if you can remember
their names). I know we both get a lot of people coming up
to us and mentioning the column and some we know and others
we don't. The reason for all of this information is that you
seem to be worse when we go out about leaving
me and going from table to table to talk or shake someone's
hand. I am not a jealous person but standing around waiting
for you to leave a restaurant or a store can be pretty boring
after a while. The other night as we were leaving a restaurant
I was embarrassed, not only for me , but for the other two
couples that were with us. While you strolled through the
restaurant shaking hands, telling your wild tales, and looking
like you were running for office, I did not know how to
explain to our friends that this is a common occurrence and
I just usually wait for you to run your course. They did not
seem dismayed and sort of laughed it off as ,well this is just
Larry. All I am asking is that you be more considerate of me,
but more importantly, be considerate of our friends that we
are dining with. I hope you will take this as constructive
criticism instead of turning it around and making it about
me as you usually do.
He Said
You know what they say about the grass always looking greener
on the other side? Good, because this is nothing about that.
I guess in a round about way you are right. It was very
unthoughtful of me to do this with you or our friends. In
my defense, you married me for better or worse.
The argument could be made, was this the better or the worse.
For the better I was cementing my and or your relationships
with everyone that I spoke to. Many of our friends and
business people were in that restaurant that night and I
felt obligated and also wanted to speak to each and every
one. Once you have spoken to one person if you don't speak
to the others they might think I was avoiding them or was
upset with them for some reason. This is not to take away
from the fact that I genuinely wanted to speak to each and
every one of them and I also wanted to speak to the Chef
to let him know that we enjoyed our meal. For the worse end
of the deal, I did leave you to entertain our friends and
left them out on the sidewalk waiting to say goodbye and
that was not fair to you or to them and for that I apologize.
Hopefully they will read the column and see how sincere
and apologetic I am to do this in public. I guess I should
have been a politician instead of a guru of marketing in
our town. Maybe this will get me on the right track of
where my life should be going. I saw in the paper that
the city is looking for a dog catcher, although that is
probably not the politically correct name, maybe I
could apply for that opening...then I can be known as
the guru of pets. I would also be hated for picking up
wandering pets of our friends ,then no one would speak
to us in restaurants and we would have no friends and
people would boo us as we left the restaurant. Is this
really what you want?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Moving In Together
She Said He Said Evince Magazine – August 2011 – Larry Oldham Dena Hill – Moving in Together
She Said
Getting married is truly an exciting time. Seeing my son
and his new wife gathering furniture, opening
wedding gifts, deciding where to arrange everything in
their apartment, hanging pictures and draperies, cooking
for each other, and touching each time they pass each
other in the kitchen brings back many fond memories of
when I was a newlywed. I'm not saying that you and I have
not shared the same good times and feelings, it is just
that marrying at an older age, brings on a lot of baggage.
I mean that literally not figuratively. In your case it
means a whole house full of baggage. This is not a
condemnation of you or your "stuff." When you close
down one house and move into another house there are
going to be issues. However, not many people have to
worry about where they are going to put eight thousand
books, or three thousand magazines, or four thousand
videos or one thousand collectible cars. Usually
it's just a few pieces of furniture, a couple of bookcases,
and your clothes. These are normal moving items when
you get married and move in with each other. I am not
against your collections and madness for keeping everything
you have ever owned, I just don't know where to put it.
I have wracked my brain about this and the only solution that
I can come up with is to buy a new house with a basement
and a attic. This way I don't have to actually live like
a "hoarder" and you can have a place to store your junk,
I mean collectibles in one area. We can have our cake
and eat it too; that is, if I can clear a path to the oven.
He Said
The beauty of being married again is having someone to
take care of me, to watch out for me, and to make
sure that my life is filled with nothing but sunshine.
I probably could have thought of buying a new house
on my own as a solution to my problem. The only bad
thing about that is that I don't recognize all of my
great collectibles as a problem. I think that since
you don't see how practical it would be to open a
museum after I have passed, that just have to persuade
you to enjoy some of my greatest treasures now.
Have you ever seen one of the earliest Polaroid Cameras?
Have you seen the first newspaper article about the
Sputnik Space Dog in 1957? Have you experienced the
first Beta movies and reel to reel taped music?
I didn't think so. You need to concentrate on making
room in your house for all of this good stuff. You don't
really need three bedrooms to sleep in, you don't need
all that basement area for old miscellaneous stuff from
your past, the dog doesn't need that whole room to
prance around in.
I am just saying that if we take all of my treasures
out of the storage place and lay them all out in your
house, you will grow to appreciate them and treasure
them just as I do. All of your furniture and knickknacks
from all over the world could be put in my storage
place and you would have a brand new house of important
things to look at. People from all over the world would
come to our house just to see our unique furnishings,
even if we had to sit on boxes instead of the sofa.
It would be like having the museum now instead of
waiting for me to die.
This is our golden opportunity. I told you marrying
me would bring importance into your life.
She Said
Getting married is truly an exciting time. Seeing my son
and his new wife gathering furniture, opening
wedding gifts, deciding where to arrange everything in
their apartment, hanging pictures and draperies, cooking
for each other, and touching each time they pass each
other in the kitchen brings back many fond memories of
when I was a newlywed. I'm not saying that you and I have
not shared the same good times and feelings, it is just
that marrying at an older age, brings on a lot of baggage.
I mean that literally not figuratively. In your case it
means a whole house full of baggage. This is not a
condemnation of you or your "stuff." When you close
down one house and move into another house there are
going to be issues. However, not many people have to
worry about where they are going to put eight thousand
books, or three thousand magazines, or four thousand
videos or one thousand collectible cars. Usually
it's just a few pieces of furniture, a couple of bookcases,
and your clothes. These are normal moving items when
you get married and move in with each other. I am not
against your collections and madness for keeping everything
you have ever owned, I just don't know where to put it.
I have wracked my brain about this and the only solution that
I can come up with is to buy a new house with a basement
and a attic. This way I don't have to actually live like
a "hoarder" and you can have a place to store your junk,
I mean collectibles in one area. We can have our cake
and eat it too; that is, if I can clear a path to the oven.
He Said
The beauty of being married again is having someone to
take care of me, to watch out for me, and to make
sure that my life is filled with nothing but sunshine.
I probably could have thought of buying a new house
on my own as a solution to my problem. The only bad
thing about that is that I don't recognize all of my
great collectibles as a problem. I think that since
you don't see how practical it would be to open a
museum after I have passed, that just have to persuade
you to enjoy some of my greatest treasures now.
Have you ever seen one of the earliest Polaroid Cameras?
Have you seen the first newspaper article about the
Sputnik Space Dog in 1957? Have you experienced the
first Beta movies and reel to reel taped music?
I didn't think so. You need to concentrate on making
room in your house for all of this good stuff. You don't
really need three bedrooms to sleep in, you don't need
all that basement area for old miscellaneous stuff from
your past, the dog doesn't need that whole room to
prance around in.
I am just saying that if we take all of my treasures
out of the storage place and lay them all out in your
house, you will grow to appreciate them and treasure
them just as I do. All of your furniture and knickknacks
from all over the world could be put in my storage
place and you would have a brand new house of important
things to look at. People from all over the world would
come to our house just to see our unique furnishings,
even if we had to sit on boxes instead of the sofa.
It would be like having the museum now instead of
waiting for me to die.
This is our golden opportunity. I told you marrying
me would bring importance into your life.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Choices -My Way or My Way
She Said He Said Evince July 2011
Larry Oldham and Dena Hill
She Said
You can know a person for many years and never
REALLY know them. This is not a profound
statement, just a fact. Last month in Virginia Beach,
while visiting my father, I discovered something
quite by accident that I never realized before.
There is a another way of working you in order to
get my way, I mean for us to agree. We awakened bright
and early on that beautiful Saturday morning and I
asked you to go for a walk around the neighborhood
with me. I carefully avoided the “exercise” word
because of your well-known aversion to physical activity
of any kind. I just mentioned that there may
be a yard sale in the community so why don't we take a
stroll and see if we can find it.
Your propensity for shopping has always made it easy for
me to get you to go anywhere where there is
a chance for you to buy something, so Saturday was fairly easy.
Sunday was the hard day because there were no yard sales
to be found. My question to you on Sunday was simple. I said,
“Do you want to go for a walk or stay in bed?” You just
looked up at me and said “I think I'll just stay here in bed.”
What a revelation! From now on instead of asking you to
do something, I'll just give you a choice. “Do you want to
wash the car or take out the garbage?” “Do you want to make
up the bed or paint the bedroom?” Do you want to go down
stairs and work out or stay upstairs and clean the bathroom?”
If I ask the right question, I'll know that either answer will
work for me. Why didn't I see this before? Life with you
would have been so much easier. “Am I right or am I right?”
He Said
As usual you are right. Come to think about it, you are
always right...in your own mind that is. Listen, I know that
I am not as active as you are. I don't know anyone in this
town, state, or anywhere in the country who is as active as
you are. Keeping that in mind, let's look at your brand new
premise.
A new trick in the woman's arsenal of tricks against us
little old defenseless men. I think women in
general have many weapons that they use against us.
Women have been using this one for years; you just
never thought about using it before. I imagine if the truth
were known, I could do everything that you can do except
have a baby. Oh yeah and breast feed. I also forgot that
women have a very natural inclination toward maternal
instincts. Nurturing children could also be considered an
attribute,although men are getting better at this.
All in all, you women do have some creature comforts that men
would have a hard time doing without on a daily basis.
Putting all that aside, let's get to the main point
of our discussion. To trick me or to trick me was the question.
In my way of thinking you don't have to trick me at all. If
you need help with something, just ask me and I'll do it.
Do you see the key word in that statement? Help! When you ask
me if I WANT to do or not do something, that's a whole new
ballgame Right? So the key to dealing with me or any man is
just ask us what we wish to do and we we'll tell you outright.
As for me personally, I think you know the answer to most of your
questions before you ever ask. So the secret is to only ask me
what you know I will do and then as you have stated ….YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT.
Larry Oldham and Dena Hill
She Said
You can know a person for many years and never
REALLY know them. This is not a profound
statement, just a fact. Last month in Virginia Beach,
while visiting my father, I discovered something
quite by accident that I never realized before.
There is a another way of working you in order to
get my way, I mean for us to agree. We awakened bright
and early on that beautiful Saturday morning and I
asked you to go for a walk around the neighborhood
with me. I carefully avoided the “exercise” word
because of your well-known aversion to physical activity
of any kind. I just mentioned that there may
be a yard sale in the community so why don't we take a
stroll and see if we can find it.
Your propensity for shopping has always made it easy for
me to get you to go anywhere where there is
a chance for you to buy something, so Saturday was fairly easy.
Sunday was the hard day because there were no yard sales
to be found. My question to you on Sunday was simple. I said,
“Do you want to go for a walk or stay in bed?” You just
looked up at me and said “I think I'll just stay here in bed.”
What a revelation! From now on instead of asking you to
do something, I'll just give you a choice. “Do you want to
wash the car or take out the garbage?” “Do you want to make
up the bed or paint the bedroom?” Do you want to go down
stairs and work out or stay upstairs and clean the bathroom?”
If I ask the right question, I'll know that either answer will
work for me. Why didn't I see this before? Life with you
would have been so much easier. “Am I right or am I right?”
He Said
As usual you are right. Come to think about it, you are
always right...in your own mind that is. Listen, I know that
I am not as active as you are. I don't know anyone in this
town, state, or anywhere in the country who is as active as
you are. Keeping that in mind, let's look at your brand new
premise.
A new trick in the woman's arsenal of tricks against us
little old defenseless men. I think women in
general have many weapons that they use against us.
Women have been using this one for years; you just
never thought about using it before. I imagine if the truth
were known, I could do everything that you can do except
have a baby. Oh yeah and breast feed. I also forgot that
women have a very natural inclination toward maternal
instincts. Nurturing children could also be considered an
attribute,although men are getting better at this.
All in all, you women do have some creature comforts that men
would have a hard time doing without on a daily basis.
Putting all that aside, let's get to the main point
of our discussion. To trick me or to trick me was the question.
In my way of thinking you don't have to trick me at all. If
you need help with something, just ask me and I'll do it.
Do you see the key word in that statement? Help! When you ask
me if I WANT to do or not do something, that's a whole new
ballgame Right? So the key to dealing with me or any man is
just ask us what we wish to do and we we'll tell you outright.
As for me personally, I think you know the answer to most of your
questions before you ever ask. So the secret is to only ask me
what you know I will do and then as you have stated ….YOU WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Loquacious
June, 2011 Evince – Larry Oldham and Dena Hill
She Said,
I ran across the word "loquacious" the other day and
I immediately thought about you. Aren't you excited
that one little word brings you to my most intimate
thoughts? You have quite a following on Facebook
with all of your sayings and notable quotes. One
lady expounded her love for you and said she enjoys
having coffee with you every morning. I looked
around the kitchen for a hidden camera! Don't worry,
I figured it out. You really do have a lot to say
but when you see me falling asleep while you're talking,
you should realize that I'm on information overload.
But your voice is soothing to me at night when I can't
sleep which is why I sometimes ask you to tell me a
bedtime story. You describe yourself as being very
opinionated and will offer your thoughts freely,
without even being asked. I know a lot of people who
feel that way resulting in a barrage of unsolicited
information that usually leaves me to defend myself.
So one day, I decided that I, too, am entitled to my
own opinions without having to explain why I feel
the way I do. I'm not a "loquacious" person. I prefer
to keep my thoughts to myself. My aunt ( a teacher)
told me that after she retired, she stopped voicing
her opinions because no one was interested in them
any more. Maybe I've reached that same plateau. If
anyone wants to know how I feel about something,
they'll ask; otherwise, we can talk about the weather
or Osama Bin Laden. Oops! You didn't ask my opinion
about that situation!
He Said
I ran across the words "untalkative", "reticent",
"restrained", "reserved" the other day after having
to look up the word "loquacious".
Those words would be the antonym to your word which
I think probably describes you to a tee. Don't
get me wrong, if certain people call you on the
phone, I have seen you talk for hours and I do mean
hours. When you sit down to talk to me within two
minutes your eyes are closed and you are sleeping.
That is the reason that every time you ask me to
watch TV with you or go to a movie with you, I know
that I will see them alone. Within minutes you are
sound asleep. Don't take this as a slight because
you work hard, get up early and put in a good ten
hour day. I understand perfectly your need to sleep
standing up or sitting. I want to make this marriage
work and I believe that communication, dedication
and someone who can make good potato salad is the
secret to a long and prosperous relationship. With
that said I offer you this recommendation. Communication
for us from now on will be when you call me on my
cell phone. I have unlimited minutes and it seems
to me that since you talk to all your other friends
for hours there is no reason why this couldn't work
for us. That seems to be the only way you can stay
awake and I get to talk for hours, keeping the
lines of communication open. Dedication is certainly
important and I see that you spend a lot of time
looking words up in the dictionary just to describe me.
Finally, Potato salad. A woman who cannot satisfy
her man with a good potato salad should probably spend
more time with his mother who makes great potato
salad. I hope I have not hit a nerve here. Since I
am a loquacious person, I just wanted to exercise
my right to inform you of what constitutes a good
marriage. The weather changes daily and Osama is no
longer with us and I learned a new word this month.
Thanks for being a good teacher.
Don't forget to remind me to give you my mother's potato
salad recipe.
She Said,
I ran across the word "loquacious" the other day and
I immediately thought about you. Aren't you excited
that one little word brings you to my most intimate
thoughts? You have quite a following on Facebook
with all of your sayings and notable quotes. One
lady expounded her love for you and said she enjoys
having coffee with you every morning. I looked
around the kitchen for a hidden camera! Don't worry,
I figured it out. You really do have a lot to say
but when you see me falling asleep while you're talking,
you should realize that I'm on information overload.
But your voice is soothing to me at night when I can't
sleep which is why I sometimes ask you to tell me a
bedtime story. You describe yourself as being very
opinionated and will offer your thoughts freely,
without even being asked. I know a lot of people who
feel that way resulting in a barrage of unsolicited
information that usually leaves me to defend myself.
So one day, I decided that I, too, am entitled to my
own opinions without having to explain why I feel
the way I do. I'm not a "loquacious" person. I prefer
to keep my thoughts to myself. My aunt ( a teacher)
told me that after she retired, she stopped voicing
her opinions because no one was interested in them
any more. Maybe I've reached that same plateau. If
anyone wants to know how I feel about something,
they'll ask; otherwise, we can talk about the weather
or Osama Bin Laden. Oops! You didn't ask my opinion
about that situation!
He Said
I ran across the words "untalkative", "reticent",
"restrained", "reserved" the other day after having
to look up the word "loquacious".
Those words would be the antonym to your word which
I think probably describes you to a tee. Don't
get me wrong, if certain people call you on the
phone, I have seen you talk for hours and I do mean
hours. When you sit down to talk to me within two
minutes your eyes are closed and you are sleeping.
That is the reason that every time you ask me to
watch TV with you or go to a movie with you, I know
that I will see them alone. Within minutes you are
sound asleep. Don't take this as a slight because
you work hard, get up early and put in a good ten
hour day. I understand perfectly your need to sleep
standing up or sitting. I want to make this marriage
work and I believe that communication, dedication
and someone who can make good potato salad is the
secret to a long and prosperous relationship. With
that said I offer you this recommendation. Communication
for us from now on will be when you call me on my
cell phone. I have unlimited minutes and it seems
to me that since you talk to all your other friends
for hours there is no reason why this couldn't work
for us. That seems to be the only way you can stay
awake and I get to talk for hours, keeping the
lines of communication open. Dedication is certainly
important and I see that you spend a lot of time
looking words up in the dictionary just to describe me.
Finally, Potato salad. A woman who cannot satisfy
her man with a good potato salad should probably spend
more time with his mother who makes great potato
salad. I hope I have not hit a nerve here. Since I
am a loquacious person, I just wanted to exercise
my right to inform you of what constitutes a good
marriage. The weather changes daily and Osama is no
longer with us and I learned a new word this month.
Thanks for being a good teacher.
Don't forget to remind me to give you my mother's potato
salad recipe.
Ah...the Good Life
Evince May 2011
She Said
Just so people won't think all we do is pick on each
other, or worse yet, ask if we're going to make a go
of it, let me say how proud I am to be your wife. You
won "Salesman of the Year" for the Virginia Press
Association last month in Norfolk and handled it with
style and grace and, might I add, a huge case of
nervousness. There aren't many times when you are
so I savored that moment. In fact, our table was
hoping you weren't going to give a speech and "thank
all the people who helped you along the way...."
Seriously though, I don't constantly berate you
for not living up to my expectations. You're an
adult and should know better. What I would like for
people to know is how active you are in church as
a Sunday School teacher, an Elder, and serving on
the PNC to select our new pastor. I've always heard
that ladies should choose a man based on the way
he treats his mother and you are so kind to your
Mom by calling her every day to see how she's doing
and visiting her on weekends. You also check on your
sons to be sure they're happy and life is good for
them. You give back to our community by serving on
the board of the Free Clinic and any other board
that you are asked to join if you think you have
something positive to add. You are a good friend
to our many classmates and help keep the class
connected and in touch with all of the changes going
on with them as we get older. You have a job that you
take to heart by thinking of all of your clients as
friends and you truly want to help them grow their
business. That explains the award. So while you're
thinking about all of the good things you're
involved in, how about taking a little time to
empty your house out and take the next step toward
starting our life together. Oops! I promised
wouldn't be negative...it just slipped out. I love you.
He Said
Now I am sitting here with a tear in my eye
wondering why I did not marry you years ago.
Just think what you could have done for my
ego and how much larger my head would be today
if you had started all this bragging about me
long ago. I do thank you for your words of kindness
and I guess it is better to talk about our positive
side sometimes and not about our other side. The
only problem though is that everyone needs a good
laugh at least once a month and this one isn't funny.
You are probably one of the most dedicated teachers
I have ever known. You go to work at 7:30 am and
come home at 7:00 pm almost every night.
I know that you tutor kids who are having a hard time
and that you help kids with their homework assignments.
You work hard to help your own children and were
a single mom with three children, kindergarten,
high school, college, and medical school.
This takes a tremendous amount of skill, emotional
comforting, and physical stability to accomplish such
a feat. I know others have done it but since I know
you personally, it has affected my life to see you
contribute to the success of all three of your children.
You do this all the while taking care of me, your
fourth child. Cooking, sewing, cleaning,caring and
keeping me on the right track is almost a full time
job in itself. I guess our column this month is somewhat
self-serving; however,it answers the question that
we are so often asked " when are you two going to break up?"
It seems that some readers take our differences
as a serious sign of unhappiness. Really none of
these things happen to us, well maybe...
She Said
Just so people won't think all we do is pick on each
other, or worse yet, ask if we're going to make a go
of it, let me say how proud I am to be your wife. You
won "Salesman of the Year" for the Virginia Press
Association last month in Norfolk and handled it with
style and grace and, might I add, a huge case of
nervousness. There aren't many times when you are
so I savored that moment. In fact, our table was
hoping you weren't going to give a speech and "thank
all the people who helped you along the way...."
Seriously though, I don't constantly berate you
for not living up to my expectations. You're an
adult and should know better. What I would like for
people to know is how active you are in church as
a Sunday School teacher, an Elder, and serving on
the PNC to select our new pastor. I've always heard
that ladies should choose a man based on the way
he treats his mother and you are so kind to your
Mom by calling her every day to see how she's doing
and visiting her on weekends. You also check on your
sons to be sure they're happy and life is good for
them. You give back to our community by serving on
the board of the Free Clinic and any other board
that you are asked to join if you think you have
something positive to add. You are a good friend
to our many classmates and help keep the class
connected and in touch with all of the changes going
on with them as we get older. You have a job that you
take to heart by thinking of all of your clients as
friends and you truly want to help them grow their
business. That explains the award. So while you're
thinking about all of the good things you're
involved in, how about taking a little time to
empty your house out and take the next step toward
starting our life together. Oops! I promised
wouldn't be negative...it just slipped out. I love you.
He Said
Now I am sitting here with a tear in my eye
wondering why I did not marry you years ago.
Just think what you could have done for my
ego and how much larger my head would be today
if you had started all this bragging about me
long ago. I do thank you for your words of kindness
and I guess it is better to talk about our positive
side sometimes and not about our other side. The
only problem though is that everyone needs a good
laugh at least once a month and this one isn't funny.
You are probably one of the most dedicated teachers
I have ever known. You go to work at 7:30 am and
come home at 7:00 pm almost every night.
I know that you tutor kids who are having a hard time
and that you help kids with their homework assignments.
You work hard to help your own children and were
a single mom with three children, kindergarten,
high school, college, and medical school.
This takes a tremendous amount of skill, emotional
comforting, and physical stability to accomplish such
a feat. I know others have done it but since I know
you personally, it has affected my life to see you
contribute to the success of all three of your children.
You do this all the while taking care of me, your
fourth child. Cooking, sewing, cleaning,caring and
keeping me on the right track is almost a full time
job in itself. I guess our column this month is somewhat
self-serving; however,it answers the question that
we are so often asked " when are you two going to break up?"
It seems that some readers take our differences
as a serious sign of unhappiness. Really none of
these things happen to us, well maybe...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
EGO - centric
She Said
According to the dictionary, ego is defined as an
exaggerated sense of self-importance, conceit. I
seem to attract men who have more than their fair
share. (Not you, of course, honey). I came along
during a time when many females were taught to pump
up the male ego in order to build his self-confidence
and self-esteem. There were little tidbits of
support that were intended to be subliminal and
ultimately had a positive outcome.
For example, if my significant other nonchalantly
said to an acquaintance, "Let's do lunch", I made
sure he followed up with a phone call. Otherwise,
lunch would have been an empty invitation. Maybe
the answer to protecting the fragile male ego is
to keep quiet during a controversial conversation
and then act responsibly to solve the issue even
if it's at a later date.
Remember the phrase "behind every man stands a
good woman"? Where is the good man who is standing
behind the woman? Oh yes, now I remember...it's
Bill Clinton standing behind Hilary. But we all
know why he has to support her. So here's to your
ego, darling. You are The Man! You have more
charisma than any other male on the universe.
You are a wonderful provider, a top notch fix-it
man, master gardener, excellent chef, terrific
household organizer and most of all, you are my
very best friend.
He Said
Now I think that the whole wide world knows why
I married you. I think most of the world already
knew about my finer qualities, but I don't think
that it hurts for you to remind them occasionally.
I can truly say that this is one of those times
when you and I are in complete agreement.
You see, women do not have egos. Women are born
with beauty, grace, understanding, patience, and
charm (not you, of course, dear). Just kidding.
I do agree that women of distinction are the backbone
of many men. More than likely if the truth be known,
most women are the major reason for men's success.
Not many men would admit it because we are vain.
We think so highly of ourselves that we don't always
stop to think of the reason we reached the point
where we stand.
We don't give you girls enough credit for helping
us reach our highest goals. I am ready to give you
all the credit for making me a great provider, a
top notch fix-it man, a master gardener, an excellent
chef and a terrific organizer. I would like to give
you credit for making me cute, but I have to give
that to my mother and father. I would like to give
you credit for making me more spiritual, but I
have to give that to my church. I would like to
give you credit for making me smart, but I have
to give that to myself for reading and teaching
myself all that I have learned. I would like to
give you credit for making me a good parent, but
I have to give that to my parents from whom I
was taught. I will give you all the credit for
giving me such a high exaggerated sense of
self-importance though because without you beside me,
I would just be another drip in the droplets of
life. Thank you for making me the man I am
today.....your egocentric best friend.
According to the dictionary, ego is defined as an
exaggerated sense of self-importance, conceit. I
seem to attract men who have more than their fair
share. (Not you, of course, honey). I came along
during a time when many females were taught to pump
up the male ego in order to build his self-confidence
and self-esteem. There were little tidbits of
support that were intended to be subliminal and
ultimately had a positive outcome.
For example, if my significant other nonchalantly
said to an acquaintance, "Let's do lunch", I made
sure he followed up with a phone call. Otherwise,
lunch would have been an empty invitation. Maybe
the answer to protecting the fragile male ego is
to keep quiet during a controversial conversation
and then act responsibly to solve the issue even
if it's at a later date.
Remember the phrase "behind every man stands a
good woman"? Where is the good man who is standing
behind the woman? Oh yes, now I remember...it's
Bill Clinton standing behind Hilary. But we all
know why he has to support her. So here's to your
ego, darling. You are The Man! You have more
charisma than any other male on the universe.
You are a wonderful provider, a top notch fix-it
man, master gardener, excellent chef, terrific
household organizer and most of all, you are my
very best friend.
He Said
Now I think that the whole wide world knows why
I married you. I think most of the world already
knew about my finer qualities, but I don't think
that it hurts for you to remind them occasionally.
I can truly say that this is one of those times
when you and I are in complete agreement.
You see, women do not have egos. Women are born
with beauty, grace, understanding, patience, and
charm (not you, of course, dear). Just kidding.
I do agree that women of distinction are the backbone
of many men. More than likely if the truth be known,
most women are the major reason for men's success.
Not many men would admit it because we are vain.
We think so highly of ourselves that we don't always
stop to think of the reason we reached the point
where we stand.
We don't give you girls enough credit for helping
us reach our highest goals. I am ready to give you
all the credit for making me a great provider, a
top notch fix-it man, a master gardener, an excellent
chef and a terrific organizer. I would like to give
you credit for making me cute, but I have to give
that to my mother and father. I would like to give
you credit for making me more spiritual, but I
have to give that to my church. I would like to
give you credit for making me smart, but I have
to give that to myself for reading and teaching
myself all that I have learned. I would like to
give you credit for making me a good parent, but
I have to give that to my parents from whom I
was taught. I will give you all the credit for
giving me such a high exaggerated sense of
self-importance though because without you beside me,
I would just be another drip in the droplets of
life. Thank you for making me the man I am
today.....your egocentric best friend.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Sleepwalking
She Said
Am I missing something in the middle of the night?
Where do you go around 2:00 am? We usually go to bed
at 10ish and I have to have the TV on with the timer
set to drown out the ringing in my ears. But sometimes
when I roll over, you've gone missing! Then I can't
get back to sleep because the quietness in the house
is deafening. If I had the energy, I'd get up and go
looking for you. Are you bored or are you and Sophie
having a party without me? There must be something
more exhilarating than sleeping but I can't imagine
a novel or even Facebook interrupting my dreams in
the middle of the night. Even if you can't sleep,
why not just stay in bed and rest? Health experts
have said that you can extend your life if you
balance it with adequate amounts of sleep and exercise.
I guess we could go for a walk or utilize the
eliptical or Bowflex in the basement to combat
your boredom. As a sideline, it would improve your
health. The funny thing is that when my kids were
babies, they would sometimes get days and nights
mixed up but I didn't expect that to happen to you.
We need to get our internal clocks synchronized so
we go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time.
Isn't that what married folks are supposed to do?
He Said
Since I was a a teenager I only have slept four hours
a night. When I get up at two after going to bed at
ten , I am wide awake. If I stay in the bed I will
just get a headache, so I get up and read. Sometimes
I write and sometimes I go wake Sophie (the poodle)
and make her play with me. So in a way I guess you
can say that Sophie and I are partying. I get the
feeling you would like for me to come wake you up
so you can join us. I've asked Sophie and she says
no, she needs some alone time with just me. After
all, you do exercise with her daily and walk her
every night. I do enjoy the quietness of the night.
Reading is exhilarating for me and I know that is hard
for you to comprehend because you read all day while
I am hard at work. Night time is the only time I have
to read.
Health experts tell you many things, don't drink
too many soda's, wash your hands one hundred times
a day, eat only green and yellow foods, don't eat
anything white, because the carbs will kill you.
As far as my sleep syndrome goes, those health
gurus have not walked in my shoes. I would say the
average person does need eight hours of sleep. It
can also be said that I am not your average person.
You might have said that yourself on occasion.
I am going to buy a dummy doll to put beside you
when I get up at night. That way if you wake up just
hug the doll. As for your comment that I am bored,
believe you me with all these new rules I am having
to memorize since getting married, I don't have a
lot of extra time to do anything, especially to be bored.
Am I missing something in the middle of the night?
Where do you go around 2:00 am? We usually go to bed
at 10ish and I have to have the TV on with the timer
set to drown out the ringing in my ears. But sometimes
when I roll over, you've gone missing! Then I can't
get back to sleep because the quietness in the house
is deafening. If I had the energy, I'd get up and go
looking for you. Are you bored or are you and Sophie
having a party without me? There must be something
more exhilarating than sleeping but I can't imagine
a novel or even Facebook interrupting my dreams in
the middle of the night. Even if you can't sleep,
why not just stay in bed and rest? Health experts
have said that you can extend your life if you
balance it with adequate amounts of sleep and exercise.
I guess we could go for a walk or utilize the
eliptical or Bowflex in the basement to combat
your boredom. As a sideline, it would improve your
health. The funny thing is that when my kids were
babies, they would sometimes get days and nights
mixed up but I didn't expect that to happen to you.
We need to get our internal clocks synchronized so
we go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time.
Isn't that what married folks are supposed to do?
He Said
Since I was a a teenager I only have slept four hours
a night. When I get up at two after going to bed at
ten , I am wide awake. If I stay in the bed I will
just get a headache, so I get up and read. Sometimes
I write and sometimes I go wake Sophie (the poodle)
and make her play with me. So in a way I guess you
can say that Sophie and I are partying. I get the
feeling you would like for me to come wake you up
so you can join us. I've asked Sophie and she says
no, she needs some alone time with just me. After
all, you do exercise with her daily and walk her
every night. I do enjoy the quietness of the night.
Reading is exhilarating for me and I know that is hard
for you to comprehend because you read all day while
I am hard at work. Night time is the only time I have
to read.
Health experts tell you many things, don't drink
too many soda's, wash your hands one hundred times
a day, eat only green and yellow foods, don't eat
anything white, because the carbs will kill you.
As far as my sleep syndrome goes, those health
gurus have not walked in my shoes. I would say the
average person does need eight hours of sleep. It
can also be said that I am not your average person.
You might have said that yourself on occasion.
I am going to buy a dummy doll to put beside you
when I get up at night. That way if you wake up just
hug the doll. As for your comment that I am bored,
believe you me with all these new rules I am having
to memorize since getting married, I don't have a
lot of extra time to do anything, especially to be bored.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Memories of Love
She Said
Because the color this month is red, red, red and there
are Valentines galore, I thought I would take a trip down
memory lane about the number of years we've known each
other since that road led to the altar on Christmas Eve.
We met when I was 16 and you were 17. We were both in
a new school in Greensboro and each of us had a significant
other. We graduated the next year and went our separate
ways until 13 years later, when we ran into each other
in a restaurant with our respective spouses and children.
You and I decided to take on the task of organizing a
reunion. We called everyone we knew to begin the process.
From that day on, the reunions took place every five
years and our two families would sometimes get together
in-between. For me, 1995, and for you, 1998, found
both of us single once again. We had our first date a
year after that and you got a real deal: two for the
price of one.
My two older children were in college but I had a
nine-year-old still with me. We tried long-distance
dating for over a year and then I decided to move to
Danville ...no obligations, I told you. Several
months later, you proposed.
Now, with my youngest son graduating from UVA on May 22
and getting married a week later, I'm feeling pangs of
an empty nest syndrome. My oldest son is getting married
October 8 and it seems like a mass exodus in my family.
But wait...we have Sophie...so you still get to buy one,
get one free. She's no trouble at all...except last week
when she was fired by the groomer. They said she was
too active and after more than five years of grooming
her, they told me not to bring her back. I've been frantically
looking for the right person to take her on and last night
you told me that you found someone on facebook who volunteered
to tackle her. What if they do a background check? We're sunk!
He Said
The good thing is you didn't have to do a background check
on me because you grew up with me. One of the best things
about marrying your best friend is that there are no surprises.
In spite of knowing me so well, you still married me.
I think you summed up our life together pretty well.
However, you left out the most important part of all: the
way we met, the words that were said, and the closeness we
felt as friends over the last 46 years.
You also forgot to mention, because you aren't vain, the
fact that you were voted the most beautiful girl in our
high school, that you thought I was in a gang, and
that you knew I had a reputation as being the class clown.
All of these facts meant that although we were in school
together, I had no shot at taking you out on a date. Yes,
we did have significant others at the time; however, if
we had been single, I still don't believe you would have
gone out with me. I only weighed 116 in school, was
not considered handsome, was not popular, did not run
in the right groups, smoked, was not on any sports team,
and was constantly being called to the office for some
infraction.
In high school I didn't even know the word infraction
much less how to spell it; but whatever it was, I kept
doing it. Thanks for being my guiding light. You also
forgot to mention that you tutored me my last year of
school to help me pass my English exam so I could graduate
with the rest of our class. You forgot to mention how
helpful you were to all the other classmates and how popular
you were in school. When we are congratulated for our
marriage, our classmates have replied: "way to go Larry for
marrying the most beautiful girl in high school" or
"condolences for Dena for marrying the biggest cut-up in school'.
Either way I consider myself to be the luckiest man on
the universe, and yes, I accept the fact that you come with
baggage.
I just never expected it to have four legs, bark constantly,
and be a creature that steals time with you from me. I guess
I should have done a background check on your obsession with
dogs. No matter though, I still would have married you.
I love you and Happy Valentine's Day.
Because the color this month is red, red, red and there
are Valentines galore, I thought I would take a trip down
memory lane about the number of years we've known each
other since that road led to the altar on Christmas Eve.
We met when I was 16 and you were 17. We were both in
a new school in Greensboro and each of us had a significant
other. We graduated the next year and went our separate
ways until 13 years later, when we ran into each other
in a restaurant with our respective spouses and children.
You and I decided to take on the task of organizing a
reunion. We called everyone we knew to begin the process.
From that day on, the reunions took place every five
years and our two families would sometimes get together
in-between. For me, 1995, and for you, 1998, found
both of us single once again. We had our first date a
year after that and you got a real deal: two for the
price of one.
My two older children were in college but I had a
nine-year-old still with me. We tried long-distance
dating for over a year and then I decided to move to
Danville ...no obligations, I told you. Several
months later, you proposed.
Now, with my youngest son graduating from UVA on May 22
and getting married a week later, I'm feeling pangs of
an empty nest syndrome. My oldest son is getting married
October 8 and it seems like a mass exodus in my family.
But wait...we have Sophie...so you still get to buy one,
get one free. She's no trouble at all...except last week
when she was fired by the groomer. They said she was
too active and after more than five years of grooming
her, they told me not to bring her back. I've been frantically
looking for the right person to take her on and last night
you told me that you found someone on facebook who volunteered
to tackle her. What if they do a background check? We're sunk!
He Said
The good thing is you didn't have to do a background check
on me because you grew up with me. One of the best things
about marrying your best friend is that there are no surprises.
In spite of knowing me so well, you still married me.
I think you summed up our life together pretty well.
However, you left out the most important part of all: the
way we met, the words that were said, and the closeness we
felt as friends over the last 46 years.
You also forgot to mention, because you aren't vain, the
fact that you were voted the most beautiful girl in our
high school, that you thought I was in a gang, and
that you knew I had a reputation as being the class clown.
All of these facts meant that although we were in school
together, I had no shot at taking you out on a date. Yes,
we did have significant others at the time; however, if
we had been single, I still don't believe you would have
gone out with me. I only weighed 116 in school, was
not considered handsome, was not popular, did not run
in the right groups, smoked, was not on any sports team,
and was constantly being called to the office for some
infraction.
In high school I didn't even know the word infraction
much less how to spell it; but whatever it was, I kept
doing it. Thanks for being my guiding light. You also
forgot to mention that you tutored me my last year of
school to help me pass my English exam so I could graduate
with the rest of our class. You forgot to mention how
helpful you were to all the other classmates and how popular
you were in school. When we are congratulated for our
marriage, our classmates have replied: "way to go Larry for
marrying the most beautiful girl in high school" or
"condolences for Dena for marrying the biggest cut-up in school'.
Either way I consider myself to be the luckiest man on
the universe, and yes, I accept the fact that you come with
baggage.
I just never expected it to have four legs, bark constantly,
and be a creature that steals time with you from me. I guess
I should have done a background check on your obsession with
dogs. No matter though, I still would have married you.
I love you and Happy Valentine's Day.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Great Traditions or Nostalgic Memories
She Said He Said Evince Magazine January 2011 Issue
She Said
Isn't technology wonderful?....when it works! I was
thinking about how much these “newfangled notions”
have changed our lives. Instead of typing and retyping
research papers, computers have taken the stress
out of deadlines when all we have to do is delete
and start again. The only day I missed in high school
was to type my term paper, over and over again.
Back then we used a typewriter and we couldn't use
correct tape if we made a mistake; we had to start
all over. The margins had to be exact or once again,
we had to start over. It's a wonder any of us
ever graduated. What about cell phones? Our
grandchildren will never know what it's like
not to have one. We don't even need to wear a
watch because cell phones display time. Of course,
our grandchildren may not be able to tell time
looking at the face of a clock either. I'll admit
that I feel much safer in the car because of my
phone. I remember when I didn't have a microwave
and all cooking had to be done on the stove which
took a lot longer. I also remember not having a
dishwasher and my hands looked like prunes by the
time I finished washing dishes. It didn't matter
that I was allergic to the detergent; I had to
wash dishes anyway. My children have never lived
in a house with a clothes line in the back yard.
I hung so many clothes on the line that when I got
married, I opted for a clothes dryer rather
than a stove! The quality of music has certainly
come a long way when you think about records vs CD's.
Who wants to listen to scratches and other
background noise instead of clear, melodious music?
One of the greatest inventions for me is the timer.
I like walking into my house at night and the
lights are on or during Christmas, the yard lights
and the house lights all come on simultaneously.
Heaven forbid any having to get up off of the couch
to change a TV channel thanks to the remote. Yes,
technology has certainly made our lives easier and,
my dear, I'm sure you've bought stock in all of
the companies who have made it possible just so
you won't waste any energy moving about unnecessarily.
I'll bet you'll call a screeching halt to any
progressive movements which would condense three
meals a day into swallowing a pill.
Wait a minute...I really like that idea.
Think about all of the time we could save
if we didn't have to shop for groceries,
cook, clean up the kitchen, etc. See you
later...I'm going to research my idea of
pills vs meals.
He Said
I agree with a lot of the ideas of modernization
that you are speaking about. I do think our lives have
been made much easier with all of the new inventions
in our lifetime. I do like the cd's and the cell
phones and face book and electric lights. The one
thing we and our children do give up though is all
the good old traditions that made our lives entertaining.
Kids today go to their computers and computer
games instead of riding their bike or playing kick
the can. We use to talk for hours on the land line
phone and sometimes go to sleep talking to our friends
on the phone, and all for one small price. With the
cell phones we tell time, take pictures, video every
event. Things seem to be too easy. On top of all of
this you want me to give up my joy of food for a pill.
There goes Thanksgiving, Christmas dinners,
birthday cake, Easter lunch, and family picnics.
Who wants to go to the park, spread out a blanket
and take a pill? Life is changing, that's for sure.
I miss my typewriter, I miss my family and children
gathered on the front porch drinking lemonade and
eating a piece of pie, while chatting with the neighbors.
But with these modern times, I hardly know my
neighbors, we never have spontaneous get-togethers,
and as you are proposing, when we do meet up with them,
it will be at the pill buffet. Don't get me wrong I do
not want to go back to the old days, but I would
like to keep some traditions alive just for old time
sake. I never want to give up the taste of banana
pudding or lemon pie. I suppose we will have to
start new traditions like playing Wii or Guitar Hero,
but I am not going to like it. Fifty years from
now, if you are right, people will be talking about
food as a tradition, and what color pill do they
take today. I just thank God I was born in the
good old days. Call me traditional or nostalgic,
but remember to call me for breakfast, lunch,
or dinner while I can still taste the food.
She Said
Isn't technology wonderful?....when it works! I was
thinking about how much these “newfangled notions”
have changed our lives. Instead of typing and retyping
research papers, computers have taken the stress
out of deadlines when all we have to do is delete
and start again. The only day I missed in high school
was to type my term paper, over and over again.
Back then we used a typewriter and we couldn't use
correct tape if we made a mistake; we had to start
all over. The margins had to be exact or once again,
we had to start over. It's a wonder any of us
ever graduated. What about cell phones? Our
grandchildren will never know what it's like
not to have one. We don't even need to wear a
watch because cell phones display time. Of course,
our grandchildren may not be able to tell time
looking at the face of a clock either. I'll admit
that I feel much safer in the car because of my
phone. I remember when I didn't have a microwave
and all cooking had to be done on the stove which
took a lot longer. I also remember not having a
dishwasher and my hands looked like prunes by the
time I finished washing dishes. It didn't matter
that I was allergic to the detergent; I had to
wash dishes anyway. My children have never lived
in a house with a clothes line in the back yard.
I hung so many clothes on the line that when I got
married, I opted for a clothes dryer rather
than a stove! The quality of music has certainly
come a long way when you think about records vs CD's.
Who wants to listen to scratches and other
background noise instead of clear, melodious music?
One of the greatest inventions for me is the timer.
I like walking into my house at night and the
lights are on or during Christmas, the yard lights
and the house lights all come on simultaneously.
Heaven forbid any having to get up off of the couch
to change a TV channel thanks to the remote. Yes,
technology has certainly made our lives easier and,
my dear, I'm sure you've bought stock in all of
the companies who have made it possible just so
you won't waste any energy moving about unnecessarily.
I'll bet you'll call a screeching halt to any
progressive movements which would condense three
meals a day into swallowing a pill.
Wait a minute...I really like that idea.
Think about all of the time we could save
if we didn't have to shop for groceries,
cook, clean up the kitchen, etc. See you
later...I'm going to research my idea of
pills vs meals.
He Said
I agree with a lot of the ideas of modernization
that you are speaking about. I do think our lives have
been made much easier with all of the new inventions
in our lifetime. I do like the cd's and the cell
phones and face book and electric lights. The one
thing we and our children do give up though is all
the good old traditions that made our lives entertaining.
Kids today go to their computers and computer
games instead of riding their bike or playing kick
the can. We use to talk for hours on the land line
phone and sometimes go to sleep talking to our friends
on the phone, and all for one small price. With the
cell phones we tell time, take pictures, video every
event. Things seem to be too easy. On top of all of
this you want me to give up my joy of food for a pill.
There goes Thanksgiving, Christmas dinners,
birthday cake, Easter lunch, and family picnics.
Who wants to go to the park, spread out a blanket
and take a pill? Life is changing, that's for sure.
I miss my typewriter, I miss my family and children
gathered on the front porch drinking lemonade and
eating a piece of pie, while chatting with the neighbors.
But with these modern times, I hardly know my
neighbors, we never have spontaneous get-togethers,
and as you are proposing, when we do meet up with them,
it will be at the pill buffet. Don't get me wrong I do
not want to go back to the old days, but I would
like to keep some traditions alive just for old time
sake. I never want to give up the taste of banana
pudding or lemon pie. I suppose we will have to
start new traditions like playing Wii or Guitar Hero,
but I am not going to like it. Fifty years from
now, if you are right, people will be talking about
food as a tradition, and what color pill do they
take today. I just thank God I was born in the
good old days. Call me traditional or nostalgic,
but remember to call me for breakfast, lunch,
or dinner while I can still taste the food.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Larry's Christmas
– December 2010
She Said
Every year about September or October you start asking me
to put up the Christmas tree. Up until about 3 years ago,
I had always had a live tree, so it was hard to justify
putting up a live tree in October and having a dead tree
on Christmas morn. Since I have gotten a fake tree as
you now call it, it has given you reason to start whining
earlier than usual. I have seen Christmas decorations
all over town,including the stores where I went to pick
up my Halloween candies. It does not seem right to me to
have to walk through the Christmas section to to get to
the Halloween section. We have just about by passed
Thanksgiving all together and I am sure if we had to
buy something for labor day, we would have had to go
down the Christmas aisles to get to the labor presents.
When I take a walk around the neighborhood I am surprised
to see Christmas decorations already on the houses in
November and Christmas lights already turned on.
There are many reasons that this is not right. One
of course is a higher utility bill in November, and
second of all, I would be growing tired of Christmas
by December the first. Are we going to teach our
children that Christmas starts in November so that
they can teach their children to start in November.
By the second or third generation our great great
grandchildren will be celebrating Christmas in July.
I have noticed that some of the retail stores are
already having sales called Christmas in July. Is
this what the world is coming to. I surely hope not.
He Said
As you know I am a very opinionated person. Here
is my opinion about Christmas. I think that we
should celebrate Christmas all year long. We have
never been to Myrtle Beach when we did not go
into the Christmas store. It is always jam packed,
people are lined up at the counter to buy Christmas
ornaments in April, July, August and October. It
seems to me that people want Christmas all year
long but no one is brave enough to bring it up for
fear of people like you who are locked in a yearly pattern.
Well I am one of the future thinkers of America and
my new platform is to get Christmas in every
month. Think about it. Everyone would be more joyous
and happy every day. Having Christmas every month would
certainly help stimulate the economy with everyone
buying presents, going off to some exotic land to
celebrate the holiday, buying more food to have the
families over for Christmas dinner every month.
Think about all the new things we would be getting
as presents every month to make our lives more fulfilled.
Think about how happy all the children would be to be
getting presents every month. Think about how well the
children would behave everyday with parents threatening
to tell Santa if they were bad, or threatening them
with the idea each month that Santa is not coming
this month if you miss behave. I do believe I am on a
roll now and that this new idea of Christmas every
month in the year could be my ticket to fame. People
all over the world will be calling it Larry's Christmas
month. It will be named after me of course because I
thought of it. In the spirit of Christmas I do want to
thank you for giving me the inspiration for this thought
provoking idea.
Merry Christmas to all from Dena Hill and Larry Oldham –
She Said He Said
She Said
Every year about September or October you start asking me
to put up the Christmas tree. Up until about 3 years ago,
I had always had a live tree, so it was hard to justify
putting up a live tree in October and having a dead tree
on Christmas morn. Since I have gotten a fake tree as
you now call it, it has given you reason to start whining
earlier than usual. I have seen Christmas decorations
all over town,including the stores where I went to pick
up my Halloween candies. It does not seem right to me to
have to walk through the Christmas section to to get to
the Halloween section. We have just about by passed
Thanksgiving all together and I am sure if we had to
buy something for labor day, we would have had to go
down the Christmas aisles to get to the labor presents.
When I take a walk around the neighborhood I am surprised
to see Christmas decorations already on the houses in
November and Christmas lights already turned on.
There are many reasons that this is not right. One
of course is a higher utility bill in November, and
second of all, I would be growing tired of Christmas
by December the first. Are we going to teach our
children that Christmas starts in November so that
they can teach their children to start in November.
By the second or third generation our great great
grandchildren will be celebrating Christmas in July.
I have noticed that some of the retail stores are
already having sales called Christmas in July. Is
this what the world is coming to. I surely hope not.
He Said
As you know I am a very opinionated person. Here
is my opinion about Christmas. I think that we
should celebrate Christmas all year long. We have
never been to Myrtle Beach when we did not go
into the Christmas store. It is always jam packed,
people are lined up at the counter to buy Christmas
ornaments in April, July, August and October. It
seems to me that people want Christmas all year
long but no one is brave enough to bring it up for
fear of people like you who are locked in a yearly pattern.
Well I am one of the future thinkers of America and
my new platform is to get Christmas in every
month. Think about it. Everyone would be more joyous
and happy every day. Having Christmas every month would
certainly help stimulate the economy with everyone
buying presents, going off to some exotic land to
celebrate the holiday, buying more food to have the
families over for Christmas dinner every month.
Think about all the new things we would be getting
as presents every month to make our lives more fulfilled.
Think about how happy all the children would be to be
getting presents every month. Think about how well the
children would behave everyday with parents threatening
to tell Santa if they were bad, or threatening them
with the idea each month that Santa is not coming
this month if you miss behave. I do believe I am on a
roll now and that this new idea of Christmas every
month in the year could be my ticket to fame. People
all over the world will be calling it Larry's Christmas
month. It will be named after me of course because I
thought of it. In the spirit of Christmas I do want to
thank you for giving me the inspiration for this thought
provoking idea.
Merry Christmas to all from Dena Hill and Larry Oldham –
She Said He Said
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Food Fight
November 2010
She Said
We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either too cold or too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food. Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does. The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just chalk
it up to an off night and keep quiet. But not him,
in fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He expects impeccable
service, food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.
All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.
He Said
At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them. I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.
She Said
We were in Chapel Hill last month checking on sites
for the wedding rehearsal dinner (not for us,for my son).
We ordered food in the restaurant and his meal was
not quite done to his satisfaction. He does this in
about every restaurant that we visit. His food is
either too cold or too hot; like one of the three
bears in Goldilocks. Sometimes he doesn't have enough
ice in his drink, his fries are overcooked or it
took too long to get his food. Maybe they brought
his food before he finished his salad. I've seen
him make a mental note of when the next people
are seated and heaven help us if they get served
before he does. The list just goes on and on.
If I'm not satisfied with something, I just chalk
it up to an off night and keep quiet. But not him,
in fact, in most all of our favorite restaurants,
the wait staff will run to take their break when
they see him charging through the door.. I have
thought about going in while he is parking the car,
getting a table, ordering my food, and eating my
appetizer before he ever comes in, just so I won't be
associated with all his peccadillo's. Just kidding,
but he does seem to demand perfect food and service
in the classier restaurants. He expects impeccable
service, food cooked exactly the way he likes it,
and even though he does not demand it, he does like
for the manager to come by our table so he can complain.
Don't get me wrong, he can be very complimentary to
the wait staff for a job well done, to the manager
if the food is cooked right, and he even tells the
manager and wait staff to give his compliments to
the chef. That happens once or twice a year. He
also seldom complains at fast food restaurants.
All of this sure is a pity because he really is a sweet guy.
This doesn't mean that restaurants are the only place he
complains though; he complains about many things, but
I am sure if you read this column each month you already
know about that. By the way, if you're looking for me,
I'll be under the table.
He Said
At this same restaurant, we were given two rolls.
You picked up a roll first because I am a gentleman
and ladies goes first. I chose the second roll which
was quite fresh, soft and delicious I might add. I
saw that you took one bite and put your roll down,
and stopped eating. When I ask what was wrong, you
said the roll was too hard to eat. I immediately
ask the waiter to bring you another roll and when
he did, he apologized profusely and later the
owner came over apologized and even brought us
another bread basket full of rolls. He explain
to us that if customers don't point out the problems,
the restaurant can't correct them. Now on the way
home I didn't hear you complaining about my decision
to ask for a soft, fresh roll which, by the way,
you had no problem consuming. Without me bringing
this to the owner and waiters' attention, you
would not have had fresh bread, and the owner would
never have known why you almost lost a tooth.
Your reasoning is that I am just a complainer with
nothing to do except harass the help and vie for
the owners attention. I have run a retail store
and the only way you can correct bad situations
is if you know about them. I know I embarrass
you sometimes when I complain and send food back,
but what you take as being a troublemaker,
I figure I am a hero and worshiped as a great
quality control expert for every restaurant
in town. Most of the waiters are climbing all
over each other trying to get to my table.
I have never left less than twenty percent tip,
if I get quality service, and most of them know
it. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise
me if some of the managers are trying to beat
the wait staff to my table so they can get to wait on me.
The Laws of Driving
October 2010
She Said
It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.
He Said
I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.
She Said
It's an unwritten law that you're suppose to do most
of the driving. It's my job to sit on the passengers
side and keep you company. I can file my nails, read
a magazine, point out interesting sites along the way,
and talk when I can get a word in edgewise. Recently,
when we went to Pennsylvania to visit my aunt, it
dawned on me that you have a problem telling time
and measuring distance. For some unknown reason, I
was behind the wheel for the first leg of our journey.
We got to Lynchburg and you had to find a bank...
not just any bank...First Citizens. We found out
there are only two of them in the whole city after
driving around for an hour. Then you wanted a snack.
(We had just eaten breakfast in Danville). Then
we drove another forty minutes and you were ready
for lunch. IT WAS ONLY 11:30! I guess you thought
if we eat early, we can get in at least two more
meals before we get to Seneca. Our motto should
be "Eat to live" not "Live to eat". By now it's 1:30
and we've barely made a dent in a 9 1/2 hour drive.
But here's the real kicker: we were leaving the
restaurant after lunch and we literally raced to
the passengers side whereas you exclaimed "It's
your turn to drive. We left at 8:00 and it's 1:30.
I've been driving for 5 1/2 hours!" It didn't
matter that we were only in Harrisonburg. So you
see, if you'd follow the rules of "man drives,
woman rides" we wouldn't have this problem.
He Said
I have never heard of the unwritten law so this must
be something that exists in Women's World. I can
share with you that your addition does not line up
with your story so let us begin there. It is at the
most an hour and fifteen to Lynchburg. Let's give
you the sixty minutes you said it took us to find
the bank. Then we drove another forty minutes till
we ate lunch. At this point we should be somewhere
at about two hours and fifty five minutes by my
calculations. Since we left at eight by your own words,
and have been on the road for two hours and
fifty minutes, this would mean that we ate for two
and a half hours to put us to the one thirty mark.
Now you know that we both agree we did not eat for
two and a half hours. So what does the unwritten law
say about exaggeration ? It is ok though, because I
am a nice guy I am going to give you those five and
one half hours of driving time. After all , I think
you have earned it with your discourse. Since we got
there at about eight thirty P.M., if you will add
from one thirty to eight thirty, I think you will see
that I drove about seven hours. Let's leave this alone
for a few minutes and discuss the real problem with our
trip. Why is it that a woman expects to be chauffeured
around for ten hours, taken out to dinner and have her
meals paid for, have the door opened for her, made
to feel like a woman, on one hand? The next thing I
hear is equal rights,fairness for women, equality in
our daily life, except maybe taking turns driving on
an extended trip. Maybe it is another one of those
unwritten laws about fairness because you don't want
to take your turn driving on vacation. I have got
to be going now.
Driving alone. Off to check on those unwritten laws
and hoping I can find the section on manhood or the
rule about men driving, and women riding. Two and a
half hours for lunch, don't I wish.
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