Diets are not your Forte'

She Said He Said – June 2010 Evince Magazine –

She Said

Another week of confusion on what to fix when you

come over to eat. I know you were on that

100 Days of Healthy Living Diet in the city

because you lost twenty pounds and you were

starting to look like that guy I use to know.

For 6 months I watched you drink low calorie

drinks, eat no bread, eat only one or two cookies

instead of fifteen, and you even walked around

the block a couple of times with the dog and me.

About a week or so ago you started eating heavily

again: hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, real Coke,

ice cream sandwiches every night, and enough Oreo's

to make the cows tired of giving milk. Then this

week you tapered off again because you said you

had a doctor's appointment for your bi-annual check

up and he always chastises you about your weight.

It would be a tremendous help to me if you could

somehow co-ordinate your eating habits.

I want you to choose to be fat or be skinny;

just try to work consistency in the equation

so grocery shopping would be less stressful.

Do I buy the real bacon or the diet bacon,

real butter, or the almost taste like butter but not quite?

I am willing to work with you on the diet or at

least keep quiet until you make up your mind to adopt a

permanent weight loss program. Your fat clothes fit

better now and if you start losing weight again,

your clothes will look droopy and you're forced to

buy more. Of course, shopping more for clothes and

less for food might be a good thing so neither one

of us gains any weight.



He Said

Do you like blue or red? Is a Ford better than

a Chevrolet? You are asking me to comment on

something that is almost impossible to answer.

Yes, I want to be thin and yes, I want to look

good in my clothes, but I am going to tell you

right now that I do have this adoration of food.

I really try not to eat so much, but right after

breakfast everyday, I'm thinking about what can

I eat for lunch, or what we are having for dinner.

I think I need a food psychologist to get me out

of this addiction. I don't ever see you eat dessert,

sweets, cookies, or anything like the bad things I

eat. When I ask you what you weigh, you always slide

by the question and change the subject. If I ask

you if you have lost or gained weight, your answer

is always that you are just maintaining your weight.

You exercise 30 minutes in the morning, and walk

two miles a day with the dog, never eat sweets and

just maintain?

I am beginning to think that maybe you are a closet

eater. Just once I'd like to catch you sneaking

around stuffing Oreo's in your mouth when I'm not

looking. You know I couldn't eat a whole bag of

Oreo's by myself. Don't get me wrong I am not

falsely accusing you of being a closet eater,

I just don't understand that when I slow down

my eating sweets and sodas I lose weight, but

when you never eat that junk, you just maintain.

Maybe I should peek over your shoulder the next

time you weigh. It is not that I don't trust you,

I just need to learn your secret. How can you not

lose weight?

Do you see how easy it is for me to turn my eating

habits around to everything being all about you?

Cool huh?