The Joys of Camping (not)

She Said

Well, summer is about over and we haven't been
camping yet. In fact, we haven't been camping
since we started dating. Why is that? I love
waking up to birds chirping and waves splashing
along the seashore. I used to fix dinner over
a camp fire and I guess it always tasted great
because it took so much effort to get everything
ready. Sometimes I would wrap a roast, potatoes,
carrots, etc. in heavy duty foil, dig a hole
and start a fire with coals. Then I would put
the package on coals, cover it up and go to
the beach. When I returned, dinner was ready.
For dessert, I would wrap biscuit dough around
a stick (shaved clean, of course) and hold it
over the fire until it was brown, pull the stick
out and fill it with jelly. Other campers would
often come and visit around the campfire until
bedtime. Of course, I had to camp next to the
bathhouse so I could have a hot shower and
electricity for my blow dryer and curling iron.
The campsite with the most amenities is at
Fort Wilderness in Disney World. There are
so many activities to do on that site, some
days we wouldn't even go to the Magic Kingdom
or Epcot. I didn't even mind camping in a tent
until my daughter was born and then there
seemed to be a lot of sand in the sleeping bags.
So we graduated to a camper and we could at least
sleep in beds. Then we decided it was too hot
so we traded that camper in for one with air
conditioning. Sleeping under the stars, breathing
fresh air, and listening to crickets sing us to
sleep was exhilerating. You just don't know
what you're missing. We have a friend at the
bank who would love to introduce you to camping...
why don't I call her and arrange a trip for all of us?

He Said

We have not been camping since we started dating
for all the reasons that you have just mentioned.
I'm not going to go through the whole litany of
suggestions that you are attempting to make .
You didn't mention one item in anything you wrote
that I could enjoy except the part about eating.
I have no desire to make a fire, cook out under
the stars, be outside with the mosquitoes and
chiggers, or visit with other people who are too
cheap to rent a hotel room. I would rather mooch
from my rich friends who owns condos in all the
places I enjoy visiting. The idea of having to eat
bread off of a stick just about makes me
nauseous thinking about it.
My idea of moving up from an un-air conditioned
camper to a camper with air conditioning is sort
of repulsive also. Sleeping under the stars,
listening to the crickets singing is not my idea
of living the good life and when I have to go to
the bathroom in the middle of the night, you are
suggesting that I do my business in front of all
those crickets, or go hunting and pecking for
an outside Johnny House that you and your friends
call a bathhouse. That toilet is more than
likely shared by many others who can't sleep
with all of the crickets howling. No I don't
think so. I will just continue to woo you with
eating out, going to plays, flying you to New York,
renting an expensive hotel or in my case mooching
off the generosity of my friends and when your
urge to go camping gets too strong, you can just
call your friends at the bank, and hitch a ride
with them.
Don't forget the bug spray and mosquito net.
I'll be in the condo if you need me.

Through Women's Eyes

She Said He Said – August 2010 Evince Magazine

She Said

Many times you come to me telling me about something

you have read in some book or magazine about women

and how they should act or how they are acting.

At times you seem surprised about what

you have read. What it comes down to is that

men and women are different and we as women seem to

know that difference and you as men have not

got a single clue. You can read all you want

about the needs of a women and you even discuss

it at length but still go right on doing what

you have always done. Case in point. One article

told you that women want to cuddle, or women

want to tell you about the work day but are not

really looking for advice. We are not soliciting

your opinion and we are not looking for an answer

we just want to tell you about our day. Men cannot

always save the world or conquer an unknown conquest

with their ideas. I just want to share a story with

you with no feedback.

When you read these stories written about women

(more than likely by a man author), why not take

heed? Try some of their ideas. Think of ways that

would please your woman and make her happy

without always having to make it about you

(not that you would ever do that.) I seriously

think that I should start writing these women

articles for these men magazines and try and

make you and all the other men out there realize

that we just want the simple things in life.

A new house, a nice car, a beautiful yard, fine

furniture, some cute outfits, a nice size ring,

and a quiet type man not opinionated.

Is that asking too much?



He Said

I hear you loud and clear. Most of my men friends

could probably give you a list of things that they

would like to see in their women, and I am sure

there would be differences. I am not even going to

attempt to go there because I do not want to

offend you or upset you with my discourse.

Now back to the men's magazines. I think it is

very interesting that someone would sit down,

analyze what makes a woman tick and then write

it down for men of read. This last one was all

about the twenty some subtle hints that women

give you when they are interested. I know I am

not the brightest kid on the block, but I can

tell you without very much repudiation, that

I know the difference when I am being

shunned and when I am being courted.

There is a difference and it is not subtle.

I heard a female comment the other day from a

woman who told another woman “she put the bait

out there, but he just didn't bite”. Now what

does that mean in men terms and what does that

mean in women terms.

It is like you have your own game at capturing

the game. Now you know none of this pertains to you

because I know you as well as any man could know

you and I know you would never use your girly

charms to entice a man. You are a good cook though,

and you keep a clean house, and you are always

offering to do things for me unsolicited. Maybe

this is what the magazine meant by subtle ways to

know she is interested. Maybe all this time you

have been using your female charms to get me. Well

I can tell you right now that it worked.

I have bought it hook, line and sinker. Those

are fishing terms I think.

Is that what the magazine means by being subtle?

Surprise, Surprise!!

She Said
 
Surprise! Surprise! Isn't it terrific when someone

thinks enough of you to plan a surprise party or

just a surprise event? No, no, no. I had never met

anyone who didn't like surprises until we moved

from friendship to a couple. I considered it a

thoughtful, caring sequence of events to call your

friends, family, etc., plan a party, and let you

unknowingly walk in on it. Now I realize that the

only person having fun was me. Why is this? You've

said that you hate surprises and you want to know

everything that involves you BEFORE it happens.

You like to be prepared for whatever... The element

of surprise on a persons' face is interesting

to watch but on your face, it's more like pain.

I'm sure there are other people who feel the way

you do so please enlighten me. My family all live

miles away and we're always surprising each other

with an unexpected visit. For my 40th birthday,

it was kind of neat to have my office all decorated

in black when I opened the door that morning.

Comments continued throughout the day as well as

good wishes. You don't even want surprise presents

for Christmas or birthdays and that takes all the

fun out of shopping. I may as well write a check

and hand it to you. When two people know each other

as well as we do, I should be able to surprise you

with something you'll really like but you want to

choose gifts for yourself. Maybe I should stick to

basics that you don't like to buy for yourself like

socks or T-shirts. Boring! How about a compromise???

You can humor me by ACTING surprised and then return

it for something you've had your eye on. After all,

life is a game and the object is to make the

players happy.


He Said

Surprise, surprise , are you happy? What I read in

your ever going endeavor to make me into

the perfect man does not surprise me. I am just

surprised that it has taken you this long to

admonish me on my ability to not act surprised.

Do you know how many people in the world fake being

surprised when the occasion calls for it. Aren't

you surprised that the one man you chose to date and

someday marry does not want to fit into the same

mold as every other man. Does it surprise you that

I have taken the liberty of sharing with you that

I want lie or pretend to be surprised when I am not?

It should not come as any surprise that I have

told you up front, I am a man that does not like

to be surprised. But darling, it still grates on

your last nerve that I just will not feign surprise,

or enjoy the ritual of surprise, or will even lie

to you and act surprised. Yes I could let you buy

me a bow tie, not wear it, and then sneak it back

to the store after purchasing an item that I really

wanted, and surprise you with my new gift that I

honestly wanted all the while. Does this surprise

you? I am honestly surprised after all our years

together that you can still find fault with my

need to be told what I am getting as a present,

when getting what I ask for has always made me happy...

after all isn't life just a game with the object

being to make the other person happy? I bet you

were surprised to see that phrase used again?

I know it surprised me.

Diets are not your Forte'

She Said He Said – June 2010 Evince Magazine –

She Said

Another week of confusion on what to fix when you

come over to eat. I know you were on that

100 Days of Healthy Living Diet in the city

because you lost twenty pounds and you were

starting to look like that guy I use to know.

For 6 months I watched you drink low calorie

drinks, eat no bread, eat only one or two cookies

instead of fifteen, and you even walked around

the block a couple of times with the dog and me.

About a week or so ago you started eating heavily

again: hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, real Coke,

ice cream sandwiches every night, and enough Oreo's

to make the cows tired of giving milk. Then this

week you tapered off again because you said you

had a doctor's appointment for your bi-annual check

up and he always chastises you about your weight.

It would be a tremendous help to me if you could

somehow co-ordinate your eating habits.

I want you to choose to be fat or be skinny;

just try to work consistency in the equation

so grocery shopping would be less stressful.

Do I buy the real bacon or the diet bacon,

real butter, or the almost taste like butter but not quite?

I am willing to work with you on the diet or at

least keep quiet until you make up your mind to adopt a

permanent weight loss program. Your fat clothes fit

better now and if you start losing weight again,

your clothes will look droopy and you're forced to

buy more. Of course, shopping more for clothes and

less for food might be a good thing so neither one

of us gains any weight.



He Said

Do you like blue or red? Is a Ford better than

a Chevrolet? You are asking me to comment on

something that is almost impossible to answer.

Yes, I want to be thin and yes, I want to look

good in my clothes, but I am going to tell you

right now that I do have this adoration of food.

I really try not to eat so much, but right after

breakfast everyday, I'm thinking about what can

I eat for lunch, or what we are having for dinner.

I think I need a food psychologist to get me out

of this addiction. I don't ever see you eat dessert,

sweets, cookies, or anything like the bad things I

eat. When I ask you what you weigh, you always slide

by the question and change the subject. If I ask

you if you have lost or gained weight, your answer

is always that you are just maintaining your weight.

You exercise 30 minutes in the morning, and walk

two miles a day with the dog, never eat sweets and

just maintain?

I am beginning to think that maybe you are a closet

eater. Just once I'd like to catch you sneaking

around stuffing Oreo's in your mouth when I'm not

looking. You know I couldn't eat a whole bag of

Oreo's by myself. Don't get me wrong I am not

falsely accusing you of being a closet eater,

I just don't understand that when I slow down

my eating sweets and sodas I lose weight, but

when you never eat that junk, you just maintain.

Maybe I should peek over your shoulder the next

time you weigh. It is not that I don't trust you,

I just need to learn your secret. How can you not

lose weight?

Do you see how easy it is for me to turn my eating

habits around to everything being all about you?

Cool huh?

Riding the Food Train

Evince May 2010 She Said He Said

She Said

Why is it that any time I make a dish with more
than two ingredients, you gag? I had always heard
of a "meat and potatoes man" but you really
carry it to extreme. Cassarole is NOT a four
letter word! In fact, in my other life I planned
cassaroles just so there would be leftovers for
another meal. That's like having a night off
from cooking and cleaning up dishes. No wonder
it never takes us long to go grocery shopping;
we end up eating the same thing every week.
Haven't you heard that variety is the spice of life?
The only time I get to experiment in the kitchen
is when one of our kids is coming for dinner.
I get out recipe books or go online to find
something new that will liven up our taste buds.
Yours are dead. There are supermarkets in
Greensboro that have interesting food selections
that are out of this world and anyone with an
imagination could make a meal that would be a
true epicurian delight. But it would send you
running to McDonalds as fast as your little
legs could carry you. I was shocked when you
ordered frog legs at Steaks on the Square one
night; I thought Nathan was going to have to
carry you out bodily after eating so many of
them. Do you think you could get out of your
comfort zone a little more often? By the way,
they serve meat and potatoes on cruise ships!

He Said

Being the Southern Gentleman that I am
(Fried Chicken and Okra)
I will try and answer you as humbly as I can.
(Mashed potatoes and gravy). I grew up
in a home that served what I like to refer
to as country cooking( Hamhocks and collards).
Many mornings my breakfast consisted of a
peanut butter and egg sandwich and a Coca Cola.
(Pinto beans and onions). I took a sandwich for
lunch and we always had a meat and two vegetables
for supper.(porkchops and apple sauce). So to say
that my palate was unusual would be considered by
some to be right at the top of the the list.
(corn bread and buttermilk).
I surely do not think that you are wrong in
describing your desires for better concocted
meals(Black eyed peas and cream corn) and I
have to agree with you that you certainly deserve
the best in a palatable toothsome meal( apple pie
and vanilla ice cream), but I don't understand
why you think I would enjoy eating casseroles and
tofu ( meat loaf and gravy) when I have surrounded
myself all my life with delectable menu items
of my own(hot dogs with chili) that I have eaten
all my life.(Pinto beans and onions.) Maybe you are
in your comfort zone and you need to experiment
yourself (bannana pudding) and learn to eat foods
that I have enjoyed all my life.(Macaroni and Cheese).
You have just got to learn to take me as I am
(fried tomato pies) and I will work hard to accept
your odd and quirky taste. (Asparagus and salads).
Maybe we can find a cruise ship that has food that
we both can enjoy.
Sometimes I think you are trying to leave me subtle
hints about the kinds of foods you want me to eat.
I would never do that to you. ( chocolate pie)

The Art of Jealousy

She Said He Said Evince Magazine April 2010 –

She Said

By nature I am not a jealous person. Does not go

well with my personality. You being a Libra have

a very friendly attitude toward the female race.

In all fairness you are also very friendly with

other male friends also. What I am trying to

understand from the female prospective is men's

feelings about what they can do as compared in

theory to what is expected of a woman and what

can do. For example,we go into a grocery store,

clothing store or whatever and you speak to everyone

you know. Sometimes you even touch girls on the

arm while you are talking to them. This really

does not bother me because I know you are faithful,

I know you are a tactile person, and you like to

make people around you feel comfortable. That is

also the salesman in you so I am not really complaining.

Let us now walk into the hardware store, let me ask a

man which aisle is the paint to be found , and when

we leave the store I get from you, why didn't you ask

a female clerk, or why did you ask that guy? I ask

that guy because he was the first person I ran into

with an employee shirt on saying “I am George , I

work in this hardware store, ask me a question”.

It is just the difference between men and women.

I am sure there are flirty women in some stores ,

maybe even the hardware store, but I don't think

you are going to go looking for her. But if we do

talk to a women within five seconds you are

giggling like a two year old, smiling your largest

smile, and touching her somewhere just to be

friendly...and please don't get me started on

hugging.


He Said

Caught red handed. You are right as usual. There is

a double parallel or a double standard when it

comes to men and women. I have my own personal

theory if you would like to hear it. Number one

I do not mean to flirt. I am a touchy feely person,

but always in front of you. If I have ever gotten

too close to a stranger or someone in a store they

have never acknowledged it or neither have you. My

theory is this. Women are in control of everything

in their lives, their children's lives and their spouse's

lives. Men on the other hand are insecure, in need

of attention, and would like for everyone to like

them. When I am being friendly I am just being

friendly. I don't control what the women are thinking

or I don't have some alternative motive in my mind.

I can't convince the hardware clerk to go home

with me if she does not want to. You or women

in general can control the situation from your

prospective. If you like a man you can let it

be known. You can hint that you are single.

You can flirt with your eyes , or even

accidentially get too close to him by mistake.

Most men are looking for an opportunity, so even

the kindest act, smallest touch, gives a man an

inkling that you want him to take you home.

I am sure that the clerks that I talk to at

the hardware store does not want or need me

to take them home. Bedsides, when they see

you and I together ,holding hands, sitting

on the same side of the table in a restaurant,

I imagine they get the hint that you and I are

really together. Just so you know, I have not

met another woman in Danville that is as pretty

or as fun as you. Now New York on the other

hand.(lol)